Tuesday February 15, 2011

 Show up (done) I read the Bid Book Chapter 3 with the jay walker and really could relate it to the procrastination. I "see" it more clearly, just as I did in my other programs. I never thought there was anything wrong with my drinking, I thought I was just "partying" and proof was I had a good job, or with my eating, after all, I was thin (since I was bulimic), etc., etc, and now thinking of all kinds or reasons why the procratination issues could be rationalized. I am grateful for the programs, and that the BB stays alive for ne along with me HP. along with the variety of things to surrender.

Big Book, Chapter 3: "Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first xxx as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs. On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he? You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted avoidance behavior/procrastination for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where avoidance behavior/procrastination  has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language-but isn't it true? Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you tell is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through xxxxxxing and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information." That may be true of certain nonavoidance behavior people who, though xxxxxxing foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential avoidance behavior person, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop xxxxxxing on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our avoidance behavior person readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help.Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. "

Had to cancel walking home as I forgot we have to drive out to the other end of town to return something and I have to be there because they need to refund to the same source as paid (i.e. to my debit card, because that's how I paid).

But, I am printing that 100 pg research document as I type!

Still planning to do physio tonight. Who sang that song . . . "two out of three ain't bad"? Meatloaf?

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

This is the 29th day that I have followed through with the following:

I'm making a pledge to quit using the dating site(s) and Facebook for
90 days.  I had written this on my 43things account, but I wrote that I
wanted to avoid dating sites for a full six months, so I think 90 days
is reasonable for a dating site.  I also have a penchant for looking at
and stalking certain people repeatedly on the dating website and online,
which has prevented me from sanity.  Just all out stalking certain
people has been all out crazy; if I'm not stalking one person, it's
another person.   During times I've tried to quit the dating site before, I
have visited people's dating profiles, even while not registered on the
dating site.  So part of my whole thing with quitting dating sites is
also quitting stalking people's profiles that I've tried to date in the
past.  If I accidentally load a dating site, b/c I accidentally clicked
on something obviously that doesn't count.  You can hardly hang a cat on
the Internet without hitting a dating site ad.  Intention is
everything. 

In other words:

• 90 days away from dating sites and facebook
• 90 days of not stalking people's profiles of people I've tried to date in the past
• 90 days of not stalking people online that I've tried to date in the past. (I am now back on day 11 for this).
• Not using IM, aside from employment or twelve-step.  (I'm on day 1
  of this.)  This includes not stalking people on AIM or other chat
  networks, whom I've tried to date in the past.  I thoroughly embarrassed
  myself on IM before in ways I never would over the phone.
• 56 days of exercise: I'm on day 10 for this.  All I need to do is
  exercise for 30 minutes a day: walking, swimming, hiking, biking,
  running, jogging, karate, yoga, a dance class.  Anything of those for at
  least 30 minutes.  And nothing else.  I can do the running plan, but I
  assure myself that each day that I show up to run, I will be okay, if
  all I do is ultimately choose to walk.  Whatever I feel comfortable with
  when I do. That way I don't intimidate myself.

I still cannot believe I made it this far.  That was so effing embarrassing yesterday.  I don't think that no-contact is a good bottomline for me with this person.  I think maybe I can do 30 days; I've already got a lot of pledges here, so I don't want to pack anything more on..

OK, I have *way* too much to do today. I have class 3-5 and had meetings all morning, so I really don't have much working time.  (1.5 hours now, and maybe 6 hours after class if I work late). Here's what I think I can realistically get done (priorities highlighted)

*Check on expts (30 min)
*Restore RA (30 min)
*Read paper (30 min)
*Send out proposal to MK (30 min)
*Laundry (1 hr)
*Send out cell results (2 hrs) (mostly done)
*Plan IHC (1 hr)
*Orders (30 min)
*Exercise (2 hrs)

READING

Adapted From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations

MY BASICS: checking in; support calls (1x); affirmation; gratitudes; reading; check calendar; plan to plan; email my 3 most important tasks; voicemail; billing from prior day/declutter prior day's email; exercise #1; manage A; manage D; use timesheet and timer; if mood gets down do exercise #2

tracy-la