What I have not done
If you don't mind, I'd like to share with you what I have not done. I have procrastinated/avoided since I can remember - probably since the 1st or 2nd grade. Never did my homework on time, and often did not do it at all. I managed to get into student government because I was a good talker, but then did absolutely nothing. Played the flute in band but then never got good because I never practiced. Everything was done at the last minute. Got through college by lying about being pregnant so the instructor wouldn't flunk me. Even then my gradepoint was minium passing. Because of connections I got into law school, where guess what, I screwed up. There was a second year thesis we were supposed to do which naturally I didn't. While I was allowed to withdraw, when third year came around and I took the class again, I still didn't do the paper! I was going to flunk out of law school, and had to beg the professor to give me an incomplete. It was a major production, with the dean's involvement and all. I did graduate, but then maybe I shouldn't have.
My career as a lawyer has been marred by compulsive procrastination, resulting in unhappy clients, unhappy bosses, malpractice claims, and constant crisis management. Tomorrow, I need to tell a client that I failed to file his discrimination complaint on time. This will no doubt result in a claim against me. But I have no insurance because on top of everything I am broke. I have taken money from my client trust account when I didn't have money to pay expenses. Not only would this get me disbarred, but it may be a criminal offense. I have not filed or paid taxes in 16 years. I am in debt. My father has bailed me out of so many financial binds its pathetic. I took money out of his safety deposit box to pay rent. I am 49 years old. I have medical problems and have not returned to the doctor to take care of them. It's been over a year. I fear what they might find so I don't go back. Every day for years upon years I have talked to myself and said this is the day things will be different. I know that we never wake up different people, and that this challenge requires rethinking/relearning/retraining, and that it is a daily thing with no quick fix, but honestly sometimes I wonder if I can do it at all. I am very self-aware. Counseling has helped me understand the why of all this. But I suppose I don't know how. Thank you for listening.