Monday 27 December 2010

Show up (done) . After being away for a week, I can see how just valuable checking in is, sort of "plugging into" the intention of doing things with other paers.

Spent all morning tring to get on line, my son messed up the wireless then he did it in 5 minutes, started getting angry at him, but it was me who spent the time,.

Now, get out of house to store, snow storm nnot as bad as other places, so driving looks good.

ck in later. thanks for being here.

Squirrelly this morning -- I'm still way behind, I didn't do much work over the weekend, I'm afraid I'm fucking up this relationship with a great client.

Strong impulses running through me in alternating current:

• To run away from reality (into the pleasures of some hypnotic music I've been digging; into reading about and downloading music; into "fuzzbrain" that'll eat away the hours.
• to throw myself at the problem and try to manage it through self-will.

Wanted to skip prayer and daily renewal but I do hear a wiser voice telling me, "No, prayer/program is EXACTLY what is needed; remember, your whole life to date tells your 1st Step in this set of compulsions ... in isolation, fear of other people, and conviction that there's no one and no thing that will help you, you've never done anything but worsen your situation. Let go of a bankrupt, utterly failed strategic, let go of self-reliance. Try trust, for a change."

So here I am. May all beings be relieved of suffering. May I be used in some way to help others feel safe, loved, and joyful to be alive.

TO-DO LIST

FIRST THINGS FIRST - RECOVERY

• morning prayer
• journaling
• daily renewal
• readings
• call 1
• call 2
• call 3
• exercise
• meeting

WORK

• client #2: note to other consultant
• client #2: creative brief, requirements, rough prototype
• client #2: write microcontent
• client #1: referrers/highlights
• client #1: daily report (approx 10 days behind; I'd like to be no more than 3 days behind by bedtime)

PERSONAL / ERRANDS

• buy gift for brother

DAILY RENEWAL

• I'm powerless over perfectionism, procrastination, intensely uncomfortable feelings (fear, despair, etc), and the various substances and behaviors I've used to cope with those feelings.
• I'm powerless over under-earning, under-being, hiding from reality, living small.
• I can't manage my life. I quit. I'm out of management.
• I want to be sober today. For work issues, these are the inner-circle behaviors I want to avoid:
  • sleeping to avoid work/reality
  • using my sexuality to avoid work/reality
  • working without a clear plan -- a prioritized to-do list, a time-boxed calendar
  • working outside the PA Chatbox -- e.g., without bookending each task
  • staying in vague, unstructured time during business hours
  • impulsive decisions about what to do, or work on, during business hours
  • failure to record hours with a timer during business hours
  • failure to estimate how much time a task will take
  • failure to scope a project
  • engaging in perfectionism: seeking immunity from disapproval/judgment via a strategy of producing nothing until I feel total mastery over the subject, and then chipping away at a deliverable until I'm certain it is unassailably perfect. I'm not sober if I'm exceeding my time estimates more than 3x-4x.
• top lines / outer circle:
  • I want to do whatever's necessary — go to any lengths in taking any spiritual actions that may be necessary for me to experience my work process as one of choice and freedom.
• Only higher power can keep me sober, but I need others to connect to higher power — and other people can help me see things I won't otherwise see, and can help me be accountable.
• this is just for today; tomorrow I can go another way if I so choose.
• I turn my will and my life over to walking whatever path the truth — the dharma — reveals to me.
• In the 24 hours ahead, I expect that I'll be afraid of my wife's scorn and fear and anger, and that I'll want to lie to her to prevent the brunt of that discomfort from hitting home. I hereby declare that my intention is to release these ideas and live in the Steps, just for today.
• obstacles ahead: (1) urge to avoid work; urge to "make up for" late delivery by being perfect.

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank rexroth for starting this trend.

Things I have done today

1. Went to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting

2. Went to the 8:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting

3. Went to the 9:45 a.m. telephone CLA meeting

Things I will do today

1. Go to the PA Check-in at 10:30, 11:30 1:30, and 4:30

2. Go to the 1 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

3. Prayer and meditation morning and evening

4. Test my blood sugar twice

5. Put my clothes away

6. Post and send out Al-Anon literature for today

7. Make bed

8. Wash dishes

9. Recycling

10. Take shower

11. Get dressed

12. Put clothes away

13. Post and send out Al-Anon literature for today

14. Eat brunch

15. Eat dinner

16. Get mail and package from downstairs

17. Clear couch

18. Clear tables

19. Clear floor

20. Eat dinner

21. Go to work at 5:30

22. Do hair

Thanks for letting me share

Yawn! Goodness there's alot to be done. . . moving out of state on Friday! EEK!

Things to do-
-Vitamins/Fe1/Bp1
-Fe2/Bp2
-#1 #2 #3 sets supplements
-#1 #2 #3
-Call LC
-Call re reference
-appt later
-clean parts
-Training video #1/#2
-Training video #3/#4
-Final exam perhaps? I passed!

Finished thank you cards for baby gifts too!

Good news! One step away from having a job as an online tutor.