Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
Accepting the disconnect between what I promise and what I do
It occurred to me this morning that what I'm probably going to have to do is accept that, for the foreseeable future at least, I will:
- nearly always fail to complete most of the items on my daily to-do lists
- nearly always fail to complete what I forecast I can complete in my check-ins on the Chatbox.
I'm going to have to accept that I'm not in control of my learning curve here, aside from whether or not I show up and surrender to the process. And when I let myself be disheartened by the gap between what I say I'm going to do and what I actually do, resistance to simply showing up always overwhelms me.
It's part of the pattern, going all the way back — I despair, and think "Why the fuck should I show up for reality, when it just punches me in the face over and over and over?" That's when I avoid, procrastinate, compulsively and desperately reach for any means of escape.
There is no learning curve when this pattern dominates — I just do the same things, again and again. The fact that, after 30 years of repetition, I know this pattern is absolutely bankrupt doesn't help a whit. Powerless, I just keep doing what I do and self-awareness just makes the merry-go-round more wretched, painful, hopeless. All the while, inner monologue abrades away at my soul, telling me "This is who I am, I will never change, there can be no learning curve, there is no hope, no possible solution."
I can't fight that despair without outside help — thus the need for this board, for fellowship with others who have this disease. And for a spiritual life, so elusive for me as it's just not possible for me to accept that there's some supernatural "god" being out there who has a plan for me. I'll never find hope in that sort of conception of Higher Power as it will always seem a fiction, a willful suspension of disbelief. At the same time, I believe absolutely that to wake up each day and choose a hopeful outlook, I do absolutely need a spiritual life — a conviction that I'm a thread in the fabric of something that's capable of animating and transforming me, if I will only surrender self will and instead offer myself as a channel for that ... energy.
I need all that each day to be able to greet the day trusting that there will indeed be a learning curve, that if I just show up, someday I'll be able to look back and see that I've left the incessant creation of suffering behind me. To be able to see all that, beyond whatever messes I create today.