Obsession with time
Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd share one of my biggest problems lately, which is an obsession with time (and also, I believe, with perfection).
When I sit down to work on my current paper, the biggest hurdle I face is getting over my obsession with time. I usually start to think, "if only I hadn't wasted all that time last night," or "why did it take me so long to settle down to work," or "why can't I stick to my strictly timed schedule?" When one of these thoughts creeps into my head, I usually realize even at that moment that my obsessiveness is wasting even more time, but instead of getting over it and getting to work, that thought that I am still wasting time paralyzes me even more. I end up just sitting there obsessing. And then I have to give up or find some other distraction. And by that time I am so upset by all of the "wasted time" that I can't get back to work and just cry myself to sleep.
It's like I have this obsession with everything having to be perfect and me having to be uber-productive with every minute that I have. And if I let time/productiveness get away from me, I flip out and feel as if something is irrevocably lost and that I just can't move on.
I had a particularly bad episode of this last night. Things were going very well, but then something interrupted me. After the interruption was over, I began obsessing over the time that had been wasted during the interruption. And one obsession just led into the next until there was a horrible spiral. Even today at work, I feel mildly sick to my stomach and am filled with regret and anger and sadness that I didn't work on my paper last night. What stared out as such a promising night devolved into another disaster. It's pathetic and silly. This nagging feeling that something is lost forever will not leave me.
I am trying to give up the need to control time and to be super-productive all the time. I am trying not let my obsessions control me and get in the way of what I need/want to do. I am trying to be okay with not being perfect, and to be okay with life not being perfect. I am trying to just live through my stress.
Good luck to all of you.
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Step approach
Would you like to work the 12 steps with me? I've been in other 12 step groups, where I floundered around trying to make it work. But then when I worked the steps, things started changing for the better. Today I no longer attend that group, and my life in that particular arena still feels pretty sane.
I'm new to PA, but I don't want to wait around (and flounder) this time. Now that I've finally admitted its a problem, I want to get to the root of this dysfunction. Let me know if you want to join me :)
re: obsession
I have the same issue - I have trouble getting started because 'I should already be finished with this!'. You hit the nail on the head, beating yourself up is not only a waste of time but also prevents you from moving forward. And when you think about it, it's kind of selfish and self-absorbed to spend all that time brooding about yourself, instead of getting some things done. I think once I began to see that self-absorption as a selfish act it helped me to move on. I can say to myself, 'get over yourself already' and kind of tease myself out of that mood.
Jo
'You become what you think about most of the time.' - Brian Tracy
re: obsession
Thanks Journey,
I can't tell you how good it feels to talk to someone about this other than my husband. Your response gives me hope. Right now I'm kind of in that funk where I can't imagine things will change/get better, but I am going to keep telling myself that it will.
I definately need to get over the self-obsession and get on with the work. And no matter how much it kills me, I'm going to smile.
Best,
re: obsession :)
Yeah, those normies just don't get it
'You become what you think about most of the time.' - Brian Tracy