My goose is just cooked if I can't find help.
In a lot of pain today. I've likely blown a wonderful job opportunity, one my family really needed, by going off on another cycle of crippling, extreme procrastination and perfectionism. Of responding to intense fear of criticism — of being judged lacking, in terms of my professional abilities — by swinging between (a) extreme avoidance of the trial project I was hired to do and (b) doing the work, but in extreme perfectionism. Taken 10 times longer than it should have; I've written 5 times the amount of copy I should have; I'm turning in work 10 days later than I originally said I would. In other words I'm doing exactly what I always do in such situations. What I've done for 35 years or so — since I was maybe 10 years old.
My marriage is in tatters — I descend into one of these hells and I start lying to my wife about where I am with the work; I can't keep jobs or clients; I don't hold up my end of the parenting, housekeeping, etc. My career is on its last legs. My health is deteriorating. And I can't stand myself, absolutely can't stand myself.
I need to hear some success stories — has anyone who's been where I am now really changed? How did you do it? Steps and fellowship? Hiring a coach? Therapy? (If one of the latter two, what should I look for?)