the feelings between the action and us
I haven't been writing for a long time but luckily, for the first time in 28 years and with much satisfaction, I have been doing. Not as much as I could but enough to make me feel different and hopeful. This is how the story goes:
I had put on the table lots of little stripes of paper, each with a small task written on it. I had done some. Now it was the turn of "wash the dishes". A pile of dishes sat in the sink. I sighed my compulsive-procrastinator sigh, the one procrastinators know. I was feeling a bit mortified:
There I was, 28 years old, having to gather all my strenght and having to fight all sorts of evils, just to wash a pile of dishes, while my friends were studying for their second degree or something like that.. But I had resolved to fight and that's what I did. I stepped into the kitchen as if it was fire. I started washing dishes and as I watched the water going down the drain, I could feel a lump in my throat and a devastating sense of solitude and fear. My teacher had been right: doing, for me, was suffering. That's why I could never bring myself to do things.
It made me feel uneasy, lost, alone. And there, in front of the dishes I had a sort of an epiphany, brought to me by a memory from my childhood. I understood why I had attached to action and therefore life a whole set of negative feelings. From then on, I started to change and to engage in activities and tasks in a completely different way..
I understood that I had made my own a feeling of imprisonment in life which I had witnessed in my parents. Action (especially the one directed to me during my life: feeding me, washing me) seemed to be done with a greal deal of sacrifice. Therefore I thought that dealing with everyday life tasks made my mother unhappy and wanting to be somewhere else, and I felt guilty for her unhappiness..I'm not saying that this is true but it was anyhow my perception as a child. I must say that since this epiphany I have been feeling much better and doing much more than I have ever done. I took out of the box and dusted some old dreams and I am now pursuing them..in action, in life, with gratitude.I know this is quite personal but I have been living the nightmare of procrastination and have been very unhappy, therefore wanted to share this in case someone could benefit from it..Between us and action there's a feeling, a feeling that blocks us..understanding it was very important for me..like releasing..the ghost. I think it's important to understand what is REALLY preventing us from doing.