I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been lurking for a while. Over the last few months I've been working at changing the way I live my life.
I am a procrastinator and I'm lazy. I have two big issues that I can't seem to beat.
The first, is that my procrastination is all tangled up with my 'approval seeking' nature. With anything I do, I always find myself asking 'How does this help me?' or 'Will others notice this?' and 'If they don't, why is it worth it?'.
Basically, I get very little satisfaction out of doing things, unless it's reinforced by someone else.
For example, I joined a gym and pushed and forced myself to go 3 or 4 times a week for a few months. I'm in good shape and have more energy than I've had in a long time... But, now I'm beginning to procrastinate and I find myself skipping days at a time. I realize now that my main motivation for going was the idea that someone else would notice and say something. I end up asking myself 'What's the point if no one else notices?'.
My own knowledge that I look and feel better is becoming irrelevant.
I read the daily check-ins, and I see people posting their to-do lists and completed lists, and I can see a beautiful sense of satisfaction and pride coming from the words when you folks post about the things you've done that day.
I just can't find that satisfaction in my own completed tasks...
After having a bad day or week I always find myself at my desk with a pad of paper, writing down to-do lists for that day or things that I could try that week. But I always end up questioning why I'm doing them. What is it adding to my life? Why would being more organized make me happier?, Why would taking that hour ride to the park make my day better? Why do the dishes today when I have a few plates left? I just can't convince myself that I'd be a better person by finishing these tasks so I don't do them and go back to surfing the web.
So I guess this long-winded post boils down to these questions...
1. Does anyone have any experience with approval seeking behaviour? Any advice? I worry so much about what others think.
2. Could you tell me what you're thinking as you complete your tasks and to-do lists? How has your life improved? Do you have more energy or confidence or a better sense of worth? Help me understand...
Anyway, I hope this post isn't a rambling mess. I could really use some advice. I'm having such a tough time.