Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

My brain on loudspeaker, 1/2/10

Mama_Cat's picture

Hi all - 

this started as an intro thread to my daily check-in, and quickly became too long for that. So, here you brain on loudspeaker. :) 

I feel a lot of shame today. I have clients coming back from the holidays and the work I've done for some of them has not been top-notch, so - I have a lot of fear around expecting them to be displeased.

The holidays have also screwed with my regular M-F schedule, and I've felt like I was just unproductively careening from one task to another with little peace of mind OR effectiveness. 

I am glad things will, mostly, be back to "normal" come Monday.

I'm realizing, too, that while I've been "saying" to myself, "Yes, this is a compulsive behavior. Yes, I am out of control. Yes, I do need help," that, really - when push comes to shove...when I am sitting in front of the TV unable to get myself to get off the couch and out the door...when that panicked part of me starts screaming in my brain to "please get up please get up please"... At those times, that's when I need help the most I think. And that's when, perhaps not surprisingly, I reach out the least. I have such shame around how incapable I am in those moments. I just, really - I can't help myself. I'm stuck. And scared. And small.

But the thought that I need to reach out for some kind of intervention in those moments...feels shameful. Like I shouldn't have to. Shouldn't need to. And like, well - if I start asking for help'll never stop. I'll just always need to keep asking for help. I'll just always need...This is interesting, this train of thought. I actually haven't looked into this part much.

I guess - I don't know when I won't need the help anymore, you know? I don't know when I'll stop needing (what feels like, to me) super intensive hand-holding. And I feel like I need to be able to say, "OK, I just need this for a little while and then you can go back to your life and you don't need to worry about me anymore." Which is so crazy, because I would never ask someone to be there for me all the time, every time. But then, feeling like I need to be able to NOT need help - that, of course, goes back to very young interactions with my mother.

And as I look at this, at these underlying issues to my procrastination...what I get present to is just how much pain there is under the surface for me. Just how much, unresolved, unexamined pain is there. Uck.

So - these are my ramblings for today. This is my mind on loudspeaker here and now.

Thanks for listening - MC 

Mama_Cat  >^._.^< 



You know what? You can ask that *here*. With no time limit. We're all in this together for the very long haul!

 I was just thinking today (and actually almost posted) how amazing it is, as a procrastinator, to be able to *help other people* for a change, and how happy and excited I feel when someone on this site asks me for help and I'm able to give it. It's never an imposition. Sure, there'll be times when I don't have time to help, but I'm always happy and I do mean *happy* to be asked, and I'm sure a lot of others here feel the same. It's just lovely to feel useful. Please don't ever be afraid to ask for help here.

Also, I happen to know one of our newcomers is looking for a recovery partner if you're interested... 

Thanks for the shout-out Lucky ;)

Thanks for the shout-out Lucky! ;-) 

Oh my goodness.  MC, I relate to soooo much of what you wrote.  I get that exact same paralyzed, panicked thing where I'm begging myself to move, but trying not to see what a panic I'm in, yet feeling so much inertia, like a mountain that can't ever be budged.  I too feel like I need hand-holding at times, just to get through the rough spots and it's hard not to judge myself for that, but this new year, I decided to shed all expectations of myself and all judgments.  I am free and from that point of view, I find myself asking, well..."What shall I invite into my life today?"  It's a vital and rejuvenated feeling, like a I'm alive again.  Thanks for giving us the opportunity to listen and give support and for having the courage speak your mind.



Life, that's an awesome

Life, that's an awesome attitude :)