I am using this as a share for myself and anyone else because I need to keep the memory green.Last nite I came so close to giving up. I was so sick of all the hard work with 12 step programs and the struggles of daily living. I just wanted to live on the beach somewhere on an island and forget about all my responsibilities. The stinking thinking was accelerating at an exponential rate and could no longer be controlled. I was ready to kick in some walls, that’s how angry I felt.I went into my bedroom very angry with my life. My older son said “mom, you know if you go for a walk, you will feel better” all I could think was “who cares”, I was going to take some sleeping med and go to bed.My computer was on and I checked a coda site, it talked about time with God. I came across the following article:"Often, when we have loss or change, we don't want to hear that we can
move on with our lives, when people suggest ways for us to do so. We want to be
really heard -- validated -- about our pain. We rail against adapting to life
as it is; we cry out, "but what I WANT is....." This is all very, very normal
and a necessary stage. But when we're in the middle of feeling like that, it's
hard to get any comfort. But, eventually, we do get to the point where we're
almost at the end of that cycle...where we are getting tired of fighting
reality and we're wanting some peace -- even if it means accepting some of the
painful things in life. To help get to the point of peace, it sometimes helps to
ask oneself, "Am I willing to give up the edges of my pain?" Sometimes, that
question, asked of oneself, helps us to move more gently into acceptance
of things as they are, when we know we cannot change them.
My sister, who was an expert in bereavement, told me that Harvard
University had a study that showed that the tears from the eyes of widows had healing
enzymes in them that did not appear in regular tears.
It helps me to know that God is on our side and wants us to heal from
our grief, and continue with life.”
I hardly ever cry, but I did shed a few tears at that point. I have been in this place before- with alcohol, sugar, binges, etc. I had to think it through- if I give up trying- then what? I will eventually be back to wanting to try again. The biggest factor in any of my 12 step programs is consistency, one day at a time, consistently not picking up, consistently keeping the weight off, consistently exercising, consistently showing up. Showing up is all I have been able to accomplish consistently in PA. Who knows when I would show up again if I stop now? Once I picked up the sugar, I could not predict when I would put it down again, even though I always told myself it would be the “next day”.I read another article about the 90% rule, it talked about the other 10%:“In the end, the key is to follow up in a way that demonstrates thoughtful commitment to the issue, but flexible understanding of the circumstances surrounding that level of contact. You already get 90% for showing up, work for the extra 10% and you will be handsomely rewarded.
This article was originally published on April 14, 2008 by the National Law Journal online.” Article Source: http://www.BharatBhasha.com
Article Url: http://www.bharatbhasha.com/legal.php/79599 I started beating myself up for the other 10% and my avoidance, procrastination affliction/addiction went into a cunning, baffling and powerful craving to stop what I was doing and go back. Like I said, I have been here before with these affliction/addiction thoughts, and before, only a power greater than myself could help. I went for a walk and listened to a telephone meeting. It was on acceptance and surrender. I knew I need to surrender myself, my life, everything to my HP and not take my self will back. I called someone who shared and was new in the program going through the same thing. I knew I did not want to lose the connection with people in PA, the only place anyone could remotely understand this thing, where else could I go? So I accepted and surrendered. I still feel sort of angry and disenchanted with everything/anything but I am “acting as if” I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I can call, listen to meetings, do other things. I need to look at paperwork responsibilities and I don’t want to but at least I am willing to face the feelings and pain and consequences of not wanting to. I pray I stay consistent today and accept myself and life on life’s terms. It’s hard. Thanks for being here and letting me share.
September 20,09 update: Over my tantrum, this too shall pass and it did, I finally reached end of that cycle...where we are getting tired of fighting reality and we're wanting some peace I have accepted some change and intend to take baby steps for some more change past showing. up. Thanks for being here.Feeling free again.