Sunday July 5, 2009

Please no advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome.

Schedule an appointment!  

The idea is that I brush my teeth, floss, use listerine and a periodontic stuff, and do whatever I need to do at 10pm, before I am wasted, and then commit to not eating afterward.  If I come home after 10pm, the first thing I need to do is brush my teeth or do my teeth for the night and then I can carry on with whatever.  This is something I need to pilot, b/c I'm not sure how it will work, cuz of possibly needing to eat late.  But I am committing to doing it for five days.  This being Day one.

I went to a fourth of july party last night and I wanted to talk about it in my diary or in checkins because there were a few things that were triggering.  Even though it was a great experience to get out there and see people.

• I found it triggering that there were some attractive men there-- one in particular who was not age appropriate for me.  He was so dashing, I wanted to stare at him for prolonged seconds, but I stopped myself; in fact, it was because I found him attractive that I looked on him the least, and only much later in the party did I permit myself to get a good glance at his features.  I figured if I got a good glance then I'd discover he were not attractive, and that I were not really all that interested.
  • I can attribute his good looks to the following: he had nice hair.  He had an updated hair style.
  • He knew how to dress.  Very retro.  Nineties retro and that was a bit well hott.  Something hybrid between 90s and 80s.
  • The only reason I mention this is because I am an S and L addict and seeing a hott guy or girl or whatever, can make me go all kinds of crazy, and do all sorts of thngs.  And he truth is, I'm not gonna see this guy for an entire year, if ever again.
  • He smiled at me and found me amusing, prolly because I was providing the entertainment: dancing and singing.  But it can be confusing for me as an addict.
    • One of the thngs someone has shared about in my regular SLAA meeting on Sunday is the CONFUSION that addicts have.  I really really related with what she said that sometimes, she feels confused that people are having a romantic fascination with her, when they are not, just because she wants that to be the case.  And that she suffered for a long time under this delusion that people had a romantic interest in her when that was not the case.  I feel that way too, sometimes.  And in fact, it has been one of the bases of my romantic obsession for a lot of my life: the confused belief that someone maintains an interest when they don't necessarily have *that* interest.  Maybe they are interested in paying me attention for other reasons, but I'll never know, b/c my addict will take it to a sexual and /or romantic place, if that particular person has that particular draw for me.  I'm not saying this is a conscious habit.  It's more like an unconscious thing.  Even though, intellectually I know that SANE men who are interested, undoubtedly show their interest in a direct way, and women who are interested, show their interest, period, I still maintain fantasies, or unconcsious ridiculous assumptions that so and so wants to moonlight with me to the crepe shoppe at the mall and that if I play my cards correctly I can get him (especially him, b/c men are my usual target of fantasy, with women my relationships are entirely pragmatic) to ask me out-  But of course, it never happens, and I end up playing the fool and asking him out or other crud happens and we never date.  G-d that sounds depressing, but I don't really care as much as I sound I do.  I'm more into self-care, but this is S and L stuff that I got to share so I don't obsess over it.
  • He had a penchant for reading cult fiction classics, of which he would mention sparse details at random moments, and I found that very intriguing.
  • I'm only bringing up his good qualities, b/c I want to be attractive for the same reasons;you've got to be at least as good as what you're seeking.I want to be the best ME that I can be.  It's also very important for me to know exactly what it is is that I find attractive.
• Some man said that I resembled Lady Gaga because I was a bit sexual and that was upsetting for me.  Since I was not wanting to be perceived that way, I was just singing during the party.  He could have just left it at "Lady Gaga".  He didn't have to say that i were sexual.  Clearly he was not one of the SLAA people from the party, or else, he would've known not to say that.  I wanted to leave the room, but instead kept acting like all was copasedic.
• Outside of the party, when i was on my walk some dude stopped me and said, "I hope i'm not bothering you, but you have very good pitch."  After I said, "Thank you," just cuz I figured it was the polite thing to do.  He said, "You're a little sharp on your second to seventh though," and walked away.  This was obviously an asshole-ish thing to say.  Since there were no jumps from second to seventh, and even if there were, for him to presume that, he would have claimed to've had the sheet music.  So in other words, it was a pointless remark, made to make me feel bad, voiced in a manner of someone who wanted to affect some wisdom about musical theory, when he more than likely had none, since no one who actually had knowledge of musical theory would stop and bug someone sitting on the side of the street singing to hirself.  But I took it personal and it bugged me, until I could see that what he said wasn't valid at all.
• Furthermore what bugged me is that singing is not about pitch at all.  Anyone who really studies singing would know this.  Singing is about breath and support and singing in rhythm, more than in pitch. If you stay in rhythm, pitch is an after though.  Pitch is a function of air, as my teacher from Julliard has taught me.  But obviously the dude didn't know that.   When people compliment people on their voice, they do not compliment pitch; they compliment vibrato, tone, or how it carries, what it sounds *like*. They don't talk about pitch, unless they are not a singer.  Anyways, I just found it rather confronting; and I was already feeling pretty insecure to begin wth, b/c I'm a perfectionist about my musicianship.  I don't really want to go into it more than that, but I'm a perfectionist, and I don't like it when people criticize me. Because instead of just recognizing that they were probably out to spurn me, I take it personal.  And there was a part of me that felt like scheduling an appointment with my singing teacher straight away, just to prove to myself that I were not sharp.  Which is all very silly to begin with, b/c I was just singing on a bloody street corner waiting for the fireworks show and anyon criticizing my pitch,  has to be on some level-- a little bit nuts.
• The husband of oen of my friends, at the end of the party, was saying to an elderly woman that he really "loved you guys" and he was referring to the woman and her adult daughter.  He said that he didnt'r eally know them, until the walk, but then that they had bonded on the walk down to the beach.  I reflected on how I never really bonded with anyone at a party.  It is very rare that I bond with anyone in a short time.  And I don't make friends very easily.  This made me feel very isolated.  It takes more time for me to make friends with people and to form bonds; but when I do they are pretty solid.  I tend to be more in it for the long haul.  My reflection on that reflection is that it's okay that I'm different in this way.  maybe promiscuous social interaction is not the way that I befriend people.  It's okay to take things slowly, and be myself.  That's fine.  But of course, I felt out of it, not being cool enough to be in a conversation with four or five people.  And you know what?  That's okay.
  • I should also mention that that dude I found attractive wasn't saying a word to almost anyone, but then, his father was there, so maybe he felt content letting his dad talk for him.  Iknow that whenever i go somewhere with my mom, she does ALL the talking and I literally say nothing.  She is a very talkative person, and next to her I am not talkative or outgoing.  She is very outgoing and charismatic and I feel somewhat relieved to not have to say much or perform for social events.  So I guess I feel worse for not being "part of the club" than simply having naught to say.  I can live with not saying anything.  I just want to feel like part of the club and not isolated.  But weirdly when I go with my mother to places, she has a fabulous way of isolating or embarrassing me, by telling other people negative stuff about my clothes, so I just keep my distance from her, and let her get all the attentin.
• I consulted my friend's husband about the whole event with the rude dude who had criticized my pitch.  And his only response was, "Wow, well that's just---  pff---  I mean, it's not like the Laker's won the championship."  I looked at him puzzled, and he was like, "Well you know how when the Laker's win, everyone gets riled up.  Well it's not like he had a right to be all riled up." I 'm not sure what he was trying to tell me, but I guess it was another reminder that I was looking for milk at the hardware store, just because the grocery store I was shopping at went out of business.  I.e. my sponsor is unavailable, so I knew I couldn't talk to her about it and scarcity mindedness made me look for the first available person, rather than thinking I'd call someone later.  as yet, I STILL do not know whom to call.  I really don't know who I could call about that whole singing incident.

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

• write a little bit in a dairy or entry about my experience at the July 4th party last night.
• brush my teeth
• floss
• use listerine
• eat breakfast
• take vitamins
• run/jog for 1 min/2min times 10
• apply to ten jobs
• read my paper again and write notes
• be on time for my twelve step meeting today.

oops!

Hi Pro Buddies!

Thanks for the threadstarter, byGodsGrace! :)

The Melatonin helped last night & I slept from 9:30pm-4:30am. No panic attacks!!!! Yay! :)

This morning I went on my bike ride, did some stretching, and ate breakfast. Next: pace myself, but pack for my trip tomorrow. I also need to bake some stuff. We'll see what happens!

Have a great day! :)

Recycler

Recycler

Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)