Tuesday 23 June 2009

 So far today I have

• stuck to my eating plan
• played on the computer
• spent 15 minutes on the house.

It looks like its going to be a 15 minutes at a time kind of day!
Next I choose to:

• spend 15 minutes medicating, brushing teeth and doing a few things to my feet
• spend 15 minutes ion house hold filing
• spend 15 minutes in laundry and work on school filing while a load finishes and also collecting and dumping laundry water on garden
• rest fpr 15 minutes

Setting timer for 15 minutes
back at 10.40

10.55am
above done  but I did surf to start ff with and took longer than I wanted to...Next

• shower, moisturise and dress estimate time as 15 minutes
• 15 minutes house workin the kitchen
• 15minutes house paqperwork
• take mother to doctor at 11.45
• check in with plans when Ireturn

1.00pm above done! I have also eaten lunch as plenned and have stuck to my eating plan. Next??

• have a 30 minute nap and check in when done

"Recovery from procrastination means doing what you say you're going to do, when you say you're going to do it."

"When we multiply tiny increments of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can acco

Please, no advice.  Thank you.

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Things that I don't like about my life:

1. Feeling unlovable, ugly and unattractive.
2. Not having money to pay for movies, clothing (even for job interviews), postal stamps, rent, car payments, car insurance, car paintings, car maintenance (including an oil change).
3. Not having enough experience to get a job.  Feeling like I'm not competitive enough in a sea of applicants. 
4. The fact that I haven't made acting a career, even though it's something I'm good at and went to conservatory for.  Mostly I'm just pissed that I don't have opportunities to act right now, which is bubgis, but you know-
5. Not being able to look good in shirts.  Having to be choosy about what shirts I wear.
6. My teeth.  I wish I could get braces or invisalign and may need some whitening on some stains.  I need to get to a dentist this month, but don't have insurance or money at the present.
7. The fact that I don't brush my teeth before bed.  Granted I do brush, floss, use mouthwash and even a periodontic brush everyday during the daytime.  But I don't do this stuff at night and it's a shitty way to go to bed.  I do this b/c I procrastinate, I am full of anxiety at night.  I don't think I deserve to go to sleep, so I perpetually feel insomniacal on account of my procrastination issues.   Now, if I could just feel this way and not allow myself to go to sleep, it wouldn't be as bad.  But I do this, and then I always have like ice cream or tea or popcorn right after as a way of stopping myself from sleeping.  Not b/c I want food, but b/c I literally don't feel I deserve to sleep.
8. the fact that I never finish things or rarely have lately:
   1. grad school, the past three English classes I took.  Now that I'm pondering re-entering grad school (as I'm conditionally admitted)  and applying for a grant so I can finish my English degree.   Well, I feel it's pretty pertinent.
   2. my eight-week running program
   3. the reading in my English classes
   4. the audio CDs I got for my car
   5. my GA/TA application: I'm afraid of my references rejecting my request to have them send somethng on my behalf, but that's b.s., b/c if they're going to reject me, they are going to reject me and it's rather sooner than later so that I can look for someone else to satisfy the need.  It does feel bad to be rejected- but... the reality of the situation is that if I go to school, I need an academic apprenticeship.  This is the reality.
9. Few of my clothes look particularly good on me.  I haven't been able to go clothes-shopping for over two years.  My clothes look fine, but I have scarecely anything left that isn't falling apart.  And very few things I could wear on a date or at a job.
10. I cannot get a credit card.  I've never even had a credit card, and it's not even entirely my fault as to why I don't qualify, but I cannot do anything now except wait...seven years.   Long story: basicaly there was an electric bill going to a different address.  I didn't have a checking account, so I sent out my money to the person writing the checks and the person writing the checks didn't write a check, and didn't bother to tell me the account was overdue.  Then I found out like a year later after it went to collection.
11. I fucked up my transcript in grad school, and I fucked up my transcript at my original school, by not finishing my English classes.  But I may still be able to do something about that.
12. The fact that I don't get to do fun things like go to meetings and go to karaoke, b/c of lack of funds and not having a job.

Things I can do:

1. I can brush my hair in the morning and use hair gel.  I can exercise regularly to boost my endomorphines and feel better about myself.  Go outside always looking presentable, putting my best foot forward, instead of looking like a bagperson.  Brushg my teeth and exercise before I go out, always makes me feel more confident and comfortable. Take the stairs when possible.  Do what I must do at the moment to get what I need.
2. Keep applying to jobs consistently.  Prioritize my spending.  Call up maintenance to see if I can get an oil change for less.  Fix the clothes that I have.  Pick up my clothes at the drycleaners.  Try to dress as well as I can.  Polish my shoes.  Be on time for interviews. Study C++ for upcoming interview.
3. Work at a job that will provide experience.  Apply to junior, entry-level and internships, which I already am doing.  Attend graduate school and get my MS: many jobs allow you to have less experience with an MS.
4. Find a free opportunity to act that doesn't require me to pay money; later on find a class to get involved in.  Find an open mic comedy improv venue.  Keep exercising daily in order to be ready for that new headshot, when I do have the funds.
5. Exercise on a daily basis.
6. Brush, floss, use a periodontic brush and use mouthwash daily.  Brush at least twice a day.  Cultivate a habit of doing my teeth before bed. 
7. Brush my teeth before bed.  Try to start off slowly by at least doing something orally hygenic. 
8. Make a commitment to finish things before starting something new and not doing things out of order, but in order, when possible.
   1. Contact my professors and see what I can finish.  Go to graduate school again, and complete the process of application.
   2. my eight week running program (start at the beginning?)
   3. Can't do anything about the time I've missed but I can read what I need to in order to finish the classes.  I can make a commitment to do the required work in my future classes.
   4. Listen to the audio CDs in my car.
   5. Write emails to former employers and professors asking if they would please write me reference letters for a GA-ship.
9. Make a commitment to buy a nice outfit within a month of having a new job.  Exercise on a regular basis so that I can feel good in my clothes.
10. Keep up with my payments due right now.    Get extensions whenever I cannot pay.  Work on paying my highest interest loan back, when I get a job.
11. Make a commitment not to overschedule myself or take classes that are too much for me.  Make a commitment not to enroll in new classes, when I feel compelled to make changes with old ones.  Investigate what if anything on my transcript that I can help.
12. When I get a job, develop a spending plan so that I can do fun things.  Prioritize which meetings to attend to save gas.  

Please no advice, thank you.

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I'm implementing a new policy for *MY* to-do lists.  This will be *my* bottomline, besides the other one that I'm working on:  I will not let a daily to-do list item go undone for longer than two days.  And if, I get to the third day, and it's still undone, it has to be chucked from the list or refactored into a shorter project.  Par exemple: "read feminist rebellion paper and write notes" will turn into something like "Read two pages of feminist rebellion paper," etc.   I keep seeing things on my weekly task list not getting done, and it disheartens me to see week after week, items not getting done.  So, the same applies to my weekly items.  If a weekly item doesn't get done by the second week, I need to refactor the item or take it off the list.

Have done some microbursts at getting stuff moved;

did make two important phone calls

asking for help to get "unstuck"RECEIVED IT...THANKS, FAMILY AND HIGHER POWER

goal: 1 hour work on boxes, broken into chunks if necessary DID THREE HOURS!!!

I actually decided to check in about 8 a.m. this morning but - sigh - I drifted off during my morning quiet time, again. I broke my own boundary of no computer after 9pm last night, and had a vacation planning binge. Felt good at the time but has sabotaged today.  Note to self: put a little recovery effort into getting to bed at 10 pm again! Possibly that is key to being able to think clearly before 11 am! 

Already done: sponsor call, pet care, amends to J for being cranky last evening, a little Step 11 (between naps, apparently), 2 loads of laundry, and I rearranged the furniture in my office.

Remodeling wasn't even on my list and certainly not a MIT!  But I've been having a rough time lately and kept hearing the voice of my dear departed sponsor in my mind saying: "Sometimes you just need to change something, anything. Even if it's wrong" (except when to do so would injure someone, of course).  So, I now have an office arrangement that I like a little better than before.  We'll see if this helps my productivity any! 

Today's list resembles several previous days', which says a lot. I am painfully aware of the increasing backlogs in several areas of my life that aren't even making it onto my daily list.  It's getting to be like static that gets louder every day. I keep coming back. Hope you do too!

wkly update DONE!

1 hour on outreach calls well, half an hour anyway

mn est

address lists (mom, aps) did about 45 minutes, much remains to be done

cover ltr

comm invoice DONE!

1 hour backlogged reading

1 hour clearing bills basket

12:30pm - I have done none of the above so far. Clearly this is a day when I need Chat!  Going there now. DONE!

5:55pm Many distractions but vast majority were work-related, MUTs trying to shoulder out the MITs. I ate healthfully, and Chat helped alot today.  I am trying to decide what's next: dinner and a meeting, or keep working (i'm not at all hungry) and reward myself with something fun later on...(pausing to pray)...going to call Sponsor. 

Was very tired this morning, so I slept a bit late.

Today I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of work...but I'll just work steadily and get as much done as I can. I have a mtg w/ my advisor tomorrow that I want to be prepared for, but he knows that I've only been at work for 3 weeks. 

So: Scheduled: Lab mtg 10-12, sys bio dinner 7-8:30

MITs
*Finish writing up transplantation expts, write up genetic manipulation expt.
*Overview slide for VAD proposal
*Write up evidence for/against RA signal prelep->lep
 *Practice brief presentation of working model (will finish this up in the next 45 min or so)
*Ask classmates about TAing (plan to do this at sys bio dinner)

Other tasks:
*Harambee phone calls
*Organize papers/computer files in lab
*Summarize datasets and come up w/ wishlist
*Photocopy protocol, email NR

Breaks: Square dance, call AG (briefly)

I will start by finishing writing up transplantation expts.

Update 1--finished writing up transplantation experiments, went to lab mtg, had lunch, finished up sth from yesterday on QTL project (not on the list for today, but needed to get done and helped me get unstuck).  Now, I need to take a couple hours and write up prelep->lep expts, then make a few slides and practice presentation on working model. I'll check back at 2 w/ an update w/ progress on prelep->lep write-up. 

update 2:30--working on writing up prelep-lep expts, I have an outline on this and also have started prepping presentation on working model. I'll check back again at 3:30. Once I'm done w/ write-up of prelep-lep expts and presentation on working model, I think I'll organize my papers and computer files--not one of my MITs, but I'm drowning in paper and it's making it hard for me to get anything done. Then I'll make overview slide on VAD proposal

Update 4: Am making good progress on writing up prelep-lep expts, but I really need a break! So I'm going to run to copy place and copy protocol, then I'll come back and do last bit of write-up (explanation of prelep stall in VAD), then I'll make a couple slides for working model presentation.

Update 5: Copied protocol, took a short break (read some stuff online), now, I'm going to take 30 min and do last bit of write-up, back when that's done.

Update 5:25: Did last bit of write-up, now I need to prep for working model presentation. This should be pretty straightforward. What I need to do is: (1)Make slides on missing germ cell layers and transplantation, photocopy stage pictures, print document on working model (2) Quickly run through presentation. Will check back here when I'm done