I just thought I'd introduce myself, as a way of somehow committing to writing that I have a problem and that I'm going to start working towards fixing it. I'm too ashamed to tell friends and family what I'm like. I've tried telling my boyfriend today. Bless him, he's a gem, but I don't think he understands. He thinks I'm being too hard on myself - everybody's like that to some extent, he says. But I'm too ashamed to tell him all of it - like that last week I didn't do hardly anything except for play sudoku online until I was braindead. I start and I can't stop - especially when I have work to do. I'm studying for a PhD, so it's easy to spend all day doing nothing, but it makes my work rubbish.
I go through bouts of productivity, feeling good about life then I start
feeling down then start procrastinating about one thing or another, and it gets
me really depressed. I'm not sure whether it's the procrastination that causes
the depression or depression that causes the procrastination. It seems to be a
vicious circle anyway. It's worse during that one week of the month when my
hormones are playing havoc and I don't have much will to do anything anyway.
When I get out of that I have to pick myself
up again, but I then worry about all the time I've wasted feeling down and not
doing anything which, if it's really bad, can make me procrastinate even more and can last for weeks.
One of the most difficult things about this, as I've alluded to above, is gauging to what extent this is a 'problem'. Everybody procrastinates sometimes, and everybody gets down sometimes. When should you tell yourself 'this is excessive' or 'this is having too big an effect on your life to let it go on'? Well, I've done a good deal of crying today, so I guess that's a sure sign. I've also lost a lot of friends to procrastination - not phoning or e-mailing people when I should, then feeling guilty, then not being able to face them with my poor excuses (it sounds terrible doesn't it - 'sorry, there's no reason, i'm just rubbish' or 'I wasn't feeling too great' or 'I have a problem with procrastination'). So yes, I do have a problem.
What's the next step? I guess it's deciding that I can do something about it, and finding out what that is. I guess that's what this website is here for. So I'll have a look around over the next few days. I'm thinking of trying hypnotherapy. I've recently been through a course of therapy that included hypnotherapy for another problem, and that seems to have worked, so it might work with this too. Has anybody else tried it?
I guess I should go now. I have a presentation to give tomorrow and I don't know what I'm saying yet. It's half nine in the evening here. I
can't face writing it because I feel such anxiety about it - about not having
done it sooner, about not having done enough work previously and about having
to stand up and talk in front of my colleagues. So I'm writing this instead! I'm hoping something will happen so that I don't have to go - like I fall ill, or that the ground opens up and swallows me whole.
I can change :)