Introduction, and a cry for help
My name is Amber. I
procrastinated my way through my degree, back in the 90's. At the time I didn't
realise what I was doing, I just thought it was part of me being a poor
student. So after my degree I managed to avoid any form of exams and stress.
work now. And have been studying Japanese, at home, on the net and via some
local courses. All excited by my apparent new found love of learning I took on
some OU course. One at a time and short courses, knowing I should ease myself
in. The two science short courses were ok. The written work was a mere. Even a
short 100 words 'describe the process' ended up taking ages, with loads of
rewrites. So I decided to do the only course I could see that would help with
writing - start writing essays.
It started off ok. But
gradually I am further behind. In some ways the results in the course don’t
matter. I am doing it to try and help with my writing. So I don't care about
the results/passing. But I am stuck in a loop. My partner, who normally checks
my work has been unable to - this is not helping as I am dyslexic. I set myself
a small task and say I will write the first draft of paragraph 3 and I write
something. I end up after each break (which I need), doing what the work says I should do -
checking I am answering the question. So I break it down again, and rewrite
again. Anyhow this loops goes on for hours. Writing the same things round and
round. Not finishing. Not knowing what my point is.
I am now not sleeping
well. My sleep shifted after a cold last month. It happens as I don't get up,
as I am obviously avoiding things. I have tried all sorts to try and get up -
do fun things in the morning, get study over with in the morning etc etc. Nothings
I honestly don't think
I can finish this work. I have asked my tutor loads of times for help, and she
has given it. This is just not my area of study, and I am struggling. The
course doesn't finish till May 1st. In some ways it feels no time away, but I wish
it was tomorrow. I have been at this since the first half of the assessment
over a month ago. So it feels like its been going on forever. Part of me is
struggling as I don't see why I cannot get it. *Or do I get it and it’s the
procrastination? That it’s the perfectionism? That even though I said I am just
doing it for the experience part of me is still afraid to fail? I keep walking
away from my desk, but it doesn't stop going round in my head. So I end up
coming back and doing one last rewrite. I am also struggling as one of the
texts I am using I am finding hard to work on, so the first text is now getting
more rewrites - is this avoiding? Part of me wants to give up, I am finding
this so hard. But each time I walk away I rethink and attack from another
angle. If that helps I am not sure.
I don't understand
when to know when to give up or when I am taking myself round in loops?
Thanks for listening
*I only just thought
about it possibly being procrastination just now.