Introduction, and a cry for help

Hi

My name is Amber. I
procrastinated my way through my degree, back in the 90's. At the time I didn't
realise what I was doing, I just thought it was part of me being a poor
student. So after my degree I managed to avoid any form of exams and stress.

I don't
work now. And have been studying Japanese, at home, on the net and via some
local courses. All excited by my apparent new found love of learning I took on
some OU course. One at a time and short courses, knowing I should ease myself
in. The two science short courses were ok. The written work was a mere. Even a
short 100 words 'describe the process' ended up taking ages, with loads of
rewrites. So I decided to do the only course I could see that would help with
writing - start writing essays.

It started off ok. But
gradually I am further behind. In some ways the results in the course don’t
matter. I am doing it to try and help with my writing. So I don't care about
the results/passing. But I am stuck in a loop. My partner, who normally checks
my work has been unable to - this is not helping as I am dyslexic. I set myself
a small task and say I will write the first draft of paragraph 3 and I write
something. I end up after each break (which I need), doing what the work says I should do -
checking I am answering the question. So I break it down again, and rewrite
again. Anyhow this loops goes on for hours. Writing the same things round and
round. Not finishing. Not knowing what my point is.

I am now not sleeping
well. My sleep shifted after a cold last month. It happens as I don't get up,
as I am obviously avoiding things. I have tried all sorts to try and get up -
do fun things in the morning, get study over with in the morning etc etc. Nothings
working.

I honestly don't think
I can finish this work. I have asked my tutor loads of times for help, and she
has given it. This is just not my area of study, and I am struggling. The
course doesn't finish till May 1st. In some ways it feels no time away, but I wish
it was tomorrow. I have been at this since the first half of the assessment
over a month ago. So it feels like its been going on forever. Part of me is
struggling as I don't see why I cannot get it. *Or do I get it and it’s the
procrastination? That it’s the perfectionism? That even though I said I am just
doing it for the experience part of me is still afraid to fail? I keep walking
away from my desk, but it doesn't stop going round in my head. So I end up
coming back and doing one last rewrite. I am also struggling as one of the
texts I am using I am finding hard to work on, so the first text is now getting
more rewrites - is this avoiding? Part of me wants to give up, I am finding
this so hard. But each time I walk away I rethink and attack from another
angle. If that helps I am not sure.

I don't understand
when to know when to give up or when I am taking myself round in loops?

Thanks for listening

amber

*I only just thought
about it possibly being procrastination just now.