Hulloa says the newbie:)
Hullo,
I found this site the other day while I was procrastinating and I immediately thought, I really need to sign up here, and I did, but somehow I didn't get any farther, because I didn't really know what to write as an introduction. Then I got caught up in my recent obsession with Shopaholic (don't tell me, I know it's pathetic) but I've already watched it four times in errr, five days. I had to tell a friend I'd buy her a big expensive dinner if I went to see it again this week and I was still close to going today after I'd finally managed to get a few books out of the library - I have three essays due in three weeks, I have a zillion non uni-work to do in that time too - I've left everything go lately, well... maybe not lately...
I've never been very good with deadlines - when I was younger it didn't matter though. Somehow I got along, I could spend hours the night before a deadline of even the smallest task doing the finishing touches. The last minute became later and later, the work was begun later and later too and I don't know, I suppose I ended up doing things in the secret because you can't tell x and y why you haven't done this and that or why you aren't in bed.
Quite a few years later and it hasn't become any better except my experience of it all has altered. Instead of being semi-proud that I can get away with not having spent more than the night before a deadline (if not later) reasearching and writing an essayI've come to hate myself for it. I hate that I'm not spending a single hour a week studying for my subject, I mean, it's something I want to do afterall (well sort of at least - I ended up applying rather last minute), I hate it's become okay to skip things when an essay is due and then spend that skipped time doing absolutely nothing. I hate that I can't even start preparing for the things I need to get done. I'm tired of making resolutions, to do lists and find myself at the end of the day having done nothing. And I am tired of coming up with lousy excuses (sometimes even the occasional white lie -and I despise lying) for why I didn't do this or that when I didn't have anything to do.
Because it's not just the essays - in fact the essays tend to get done somehow, at least, because they have a deadline (even if some of them get done a bit later than the official one). When I finally, at 6 in the morning realise they need to be handed in I frantically sit before the screen because somehow I have this stupid idea that I must still write the best - and I will delete everything I've written if it's horrible. Everything else - calls that must be made, bedtimes, letters for friends, anything that is a duty becomes something that must be avoided and I don't know why, because I'm keenly aware what needs to get done. In fact I am extremely conscious of it even while I while away my time doing... nothing. I can't even read a book or watch a film if I know I am meant to do it. There's a part inside me always whispering, don't do it, no one is to tell you what to do. And another part telling me of all I could be doing (if I have anything interesting near and even if nothing is there) and sometimes there's no voice at all, it just happens. It doesn't matter where I am, it doesn't matter what I have with me, it doesn't matter what I'm supposed to do - distractions can always be found. I mean, the things I've found myself needing to know at odd times, the things I've bought online (and if I try to distract myself from the urge to shop all the enrgy just gets chanelled into some other equally silly thing), the things I've watched. And all that advice, all that reasoning I agree with it all, I try to tell myself continuously, to reason with myself, to write to do lists and make rewards - but the problem is when you're your own mistress you really can decide yourself whether to take the reward first and then maybe do work afterwards - after all it's easily done, isn't it?
And then the intense guilt and self-loathing comes and I find myself escaping into a myriad of obsessions where deadlines can be easily forgotten and where for an hour or two or maybe ten nothing matters - not eating, friends or well, anything..I can obsess about everything and for ever. But whenever I become addicted to something i must have my fix all the tim, I can't stop myself.
Hmm, yeah, I suppose I could go on for a while. The thing is, I used to think I was in control. That all these things were alright, that somehow it'd be okay. But the last two years especially I have come to realise that I can't control it. I nearly lost contact with some friends because they felt I wasn't taking the friendship seriously - you see I have quite a few friends with whom I'm mostly in contact with via mail, but for the world that's one thing I can never bring myself to write. I showed up for an exam without having done any revisiona t all. I had three essays to hand in right before Christmas - I'd rather not go back to the whole emotional scenario I went through then but that was when I fully understood I had a problem - and I promised it would never happen again. That I'd learn to plan my life, to say no when I didn't have time for something and so on. I really thought I'd learned. But what should happen but that I miss a deadline by a week on an essay -almost deciding not to writing it, because what would be the point if it was just some kind of horrible, I missed a deadline for the application for a conference I really wanted to go to, I almost didn't get a refund on a ticket I'd got, I lost the refund on another, I'm way past deadline on a new uni application and I have three essays for three weeks and I spent the entire weekend going to the cinema, reading and doing nothing whatsoever.
And now I'm just left wondering how? why? (and eeep I'm really sorry for all my whingeing, I mean, how difficult are any of these things really?:S)
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Welcome, Mansah
We're glad you found us. Many of us share a very similar story....and I can definitely relate to the demand resistance-- feeling paralyzed about anything that i am required to do. I'm in college, and I love my major, but i still have an incredibly difficult time doing any homework or projects.
This website has been an incredible help to me. You will find many helpful tools here, and lots of encouragement. I suggest using the check-in boards. Most of us like to post a to-do list for the day, then check back with updates. It is important to post both accomplishments AND failures! This is a place where it is safe to tell us when you fail. We're here to encourage you, and help you get your life back under control.
Keep coming back!
Thank you!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and suggestions - it's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with this somehow.
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't ~ Polonius (Hamlet)
Welcome :)
This site is absolutely wonderful! You are not alone, so much of what you had to say sounded so, so familiar. I am thankful for having found these people - checking in here keeps me grounded... you will find this too, I think.
Nothing is worth more than this day - Goethe
Thank you:D
Thanks a lot for the encouragement! This site seems really wonderful -and necessary!
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't ~ Polonius (Hamlet)
this is the place to be! :)
Hi Mansah!
Welcome! You are in the right place! Keep coming back!
Recycler
Recycler
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
Cheers!
Thank you! It definitely seems like I'm among 'like-minded people'.
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't ~ Polonius (Hamlet)
hi Mansah and welcome!
your story sounds very similar to mine and many people here. You are among like-minded ppl here.
One thing that resonated with me is your asking your self again and again, why am i like this? I asked myself this too for 25 years.
The answer as far as i kno it today for me is--i have an addictive personality. For whatever reason, i struggle with motivation and staying on task and avoidance just like some other folks struggle with diabetes.
BTW the avoidance you describe sounds like classic "demand resistance" which is discussed at length on this site.
The other point that really resonated with me is promising yourself you will not do it again--then doing it again. O the pain i have endured because of those failures.
I can report that part of my recovery is going softer on myself for the failures.
And that brings me to my third connection: you say these things should be easy. Well, yes, for others getting things done is very easy. But not for me, and not for the many other people who are working our their recovery day by day here.
In fact, i now consider that staying on task is extremely difficult for me. Whatever the underlying cause is, i have this huge problem, and it is going to take concerted, daily effort to overcome it. Even the strength of a Higher Power seems to be required in my case.
I am so happy i found this fellowship because it has made this problem so much better for me--not cured yet, but much improved over the last year compared with no improvement in the previous 25.
Looking forward to getting to kno you
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the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748
"fall down seven times, get up eight" - japanese proverb
Thanks a lot!
Thanks so much for your comment - and your encouragement:D It sounds like there's reason for some optimism yet:D And it somehow feels oddly reasuring to know you are not the only one who is having trouble with this thing!
I fout what you said about demand-resistance and addictive personalities really interesting - and familiar sounding of sorts, I will try to read up about it.
And I will try to remember not hate myself too much whenever I've missed a deadline;)
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't ~ Polonius (Hamlet)
another welcome for mansah
Ain't it great to find that you are not alone!? Welcome. You will find support here.
Jo
For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want - Romans 7:19
welcome :-)
Hi - just wanted to welcome you also and say I am new - almost 4 weeks I think - wow!- and as you have seen from the encouragement and understanding you have already gotten there is much support and wisdom here! I have found the site and fellowship here invaluable and I am sure you will too!
I look forward to getting to know you as we all make progress not perfection! :-)
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9