Hulloa says the newbie:)
I found this site the other day while I was procrastinating and I immediately thought, I really need to sign up here, and I did, but somehow I didn't get any farther, because I didn't really know what to write as an introduction. Then I got caught up in my recent obsession with Shopaholic (don't tell me, I know it's pathetic) but I've already watched it four times in errr, five days. I had to tell a friend I'd buy her a big expensive dinner if I went to see it again this week and I was still close to going today after I'd finally managed to get a few books out of the library - I have three essays due in three weeks, I have a zillion non uni-work to do in that time too - I've left everything go lately, well... maybe not lately...
I've never been very good with deadlines - when I was younger it didn't matter though. Somehow I got along, I could spend hours the night before a deadline of even the smallest task doing the finishing touches. The last minute became later and later, the work was begun later and later too and I don't know, I suppose I ended up doing things in the secret because you can't tell x and y why you haven't done this and that or why you aren't in bed.
Quite a few years later and it hasn't become any better except my experience of it all has altered. Instead of being semi-proud that I can get away with not having spent more than the night before a deadline (if not later) reasearching and writing an essayI've come to hate myself for it. I hate that I'm not spending a single hour a week studying for my subject, I mean, it's something I want to do afterall (well sort of at least - I ended up applying rather last minute), I hate it's become okay to skip things when an essay is due and then spend that skipped time doing absolutely nothing. I hate that I can't even start preparing for the things I need to get done. I'm tired of making resolutions, to do lists and find myself at the end of the day having done nothing. And I am tired of coming up with lousy excuses (sometimes even the occasional white lie -and I despise lying) for why I didn't do this or that when I didn't have anything to do.
Because it's not just the essays - in fact the essays tend to get done somehow, at least, because they have a deadline (even if some of them get done a bit later than the official one). When I finally, at 6 in the morning realise they need to be handed in I frantically sit before the screen because somehow I have this stupid idea that I must still write the best - and I will delete everything I've written if it's horrible. Everything else - calls that must be made, bedtimes, letters for friends, anything that is a duty becomes something that must be avoided and I don't know why, because I'm keenly aware what needs to get done. In fact I am extremely conscious of it even while I while away my time doing... nothing. I can't even read a book or watch a film if I know I am meant to do it. There's a part inside me always whispering, don't do it, no one is to tell you what to do. And another part telling me of all I could be doing (if I have anything interesting near and even if nothing is there) and sometimes there's no voice at all, it just happens. It doesn't matter where I am, it doesn't matter what I have with me, it doesn't matter what I'm supposed to do - distractions can always be found. I mean, the things I've found myself needing to know at odd times, the things I've bought online (and if I try to distract myself from the urge to shop all the enrgy just gets chanelled into some other equally silly thing), the things I've watched. And all that advice, all that reasoning I agree with it all, I try to tell myself continuously, to reason with myself, to write to do lists and make rewards - but the problem is when you're your own mistress you really can decide yourself whether to take the reward first and then maybe do work afterwards - after all it's easily done, isn't it?
And then the intense guilt and self-loathing comes and I find myself escaping into a myriad of obsessions where deadlines can be easily forgotten and where for an hour or two or maybe ten nothing matters - not eating, friends or well, anything..I can obsess about everything and for ever. But whenever I become addicted to something i must have my fix all the tim, I can't stop myself.
Hmm, yeah, I suppose I could go on for a while. The thing is, I used to think I was in control. That all these things were alright, that somehow it'd be okay. But the last two years especially I have come to realise that I can't control it. I nearly lost contact with some friends because they felt I wasn't taking the friendship seriously - you see I have quite a few friends with whom I'm mostly in contact with via mail, but for the world that's one thing I can never bring myself to write. I showed up for an exam without having done any revisiona t all. I had three essays to hand in right before Christmas - I'd rather not go back to the whole emotional scenario I went through then but that was when I fully understood I had a problem - and I promised it would never happen again. That I'd learn to plan my life, to say no when I didn't have time for something and so on. I really thought I'd learned. But what should happen but that I miss a deadline by a week on an essay -almost deciding not to writing it, because what would be the point if it was just some kind of horrible, I missed a deadline for the application for a conference I really wanted to go to, I almost didn't get a refund on a ticket I'd got, I lost the refund on another, I'm way past deadline on a new uni application and I have three essays for three weeks and I spent the entire weekend going to the cinema, reading and doing nothing whatsoever.
And now I'm just left wondering how? why? (and eeep I'm really sorry for all my whingeing, I mean, how difficult are any of these things really?:S)