I Need Help ASAP!!!
I don't know what to do. I'm panicked, I feel horrible and I think I've ruined everything for myself. I don't know how to describe what it is that I do, but the short version is that I am a junior in college and have received excellent grades for most of my life, but ever since sophomore year I've been bombing at school. I put myself into this zone where I don't think about my school work, and by the time I finally have to confront the work that I've been missing, it's almost always too late to fix anything. I'm a smart person and I know if I even put a mediocre effort into my work I would do well, but doing even that seems to have proven impossible for me. I always start the new semester feeling like that semester will be different, fueled by the self-hatred and anxiety my last bombing caused. About halfway through the semester, an event comes along like two large exams on the same day or a large paper, and I procrastinate, and I'm not ready on the day in question.
Being me, I avoid classes (even my other classes- in case someone sees me there from the class I'm behind in), and put myself into the "zone" using my computer, a book, or the tv, whatever I can. I then feel like I can't go back, convincing myself that I'll fix everything if I just take one more day off and get everything done. Then, I stop going to classes alltogether once it becomes obvious that I'm way behind and I have no valid excuse for it. It doesn't seem like an option to go talk to my professors, knowing that they will see right through me and devalue me as a student. So I avoid. In order to avoid, however, I must lie. I am lying to everyone I know, without exception (hence why I look online for advice instead of talking to someone I know). I hid in my closet before my roommate woke up (we have separate bedrooms) and waited till she left for class, then came out and acted like I got back before her. I made elaborate lies about papers I was working on, using the work I was actually supposed to be doing as a base.
The whole time I didn't do anymore school work, preventing myself from thinking about anything school related with whatever distraction I could find and telling myself I'd make it all up when I couldn't avoid my own thoughts any longer. When I really allow myself to take it all in, I have a mini mental breakdown, wish there was someone, anyone that could punch me in the face if it would make me feel a little less guilty. Then I would distract myself again, avoiding that mental and emotional pain like the plague. Why do I feel so guilty you might ask? I know exactly how much money my parents are paying for me to go to the private college I am at. My father is retired (he is over 65), and my mother only works part time, and my school is being paid for through their hard earned savings. And I'm wasting it. I'm wasting my time, and I am the biggest disappointment to myself that you could possibly imagine.
Fast forward to now- I went through exam week thinking I could still make all the work up, confess everything to my professors, and have them take some amount of mercy on me. But of course, I never stepped up, and proceeded to act like the semester had never happened. I missed half of the semester from school without anyone outside of the people in my classes knowing (I transfered to an easier school this year after bombing at my last one, so I none of the people in my classes are friends I see outside of campus). Exams ended last week, and I thought I had covered all avenues and my parents could not see my grades. I was wrong, they had access to my account online and saw my straight F's. They appropriately freaked out and called me home to talk to them. I lied, I told them that the grades were a mistake and that they just hadn't been logged in yet and that I would talk to the registrar's office and get it worked out.
I am an excellent liar, again, I've been lying to everyone I know constantly about the largest part of my life. It's tricky to remember who exactly has been told which story and which lies (my friends, my roommate, and my parents have all been given different versions), and sometimes I slip up, but no one has uncovered my web yet. They called again tonight to ask how my meetings with professors had gone, and I made up a whole day of running around campus that never actually happened, complete with details. Then they told me they had emailed my advisor (who is also one of my professors) and told him that they had seen my grades and my story about them being wrong. He sent one back saying that he couldn't legally tell them anything about my grades, but strongly hinted that they were in fact the correct grades. I managed to convince them again, and got them to agree that they would not email him again until I talked to him. They then told me that they wanted me to sign a waiver so that they could talk to him themselves. I'm seeing my mother tomorrow afternoon and I know she'll have the waiver for me to sign and won't waste time sending it in and uncovering the truth.
So basically, I am screwed and I don't know what to do. I bawled my eyes out for about half an hour, and then I came on here to write this. I don't know what I'm asking for. Advice I guess, on what to do and where to go from here. Mostly, I just needed to tell someone, know that someone somewhere knows the real version beyond the lies.
Thanks for whatever you can offer
**** UPDATE: I went home and spilled my guts and my parents are being more supportive than I could hope for or deserve. Now on to my professors. Thanks everyone for your support, it was great to share my crisis and I hope to make posting on this site a habit****