Hello - new guy here!
First off - a little about who I am so you know where I am coming from. If it doesn't matter to you, please feel free to skip the next paragraph.
I am a married man and I am 43 years old. I have five children ranging in age from 2 to 10 years, 3 girls and 2 boys. I was raised Catholic and still follow the faith mostly, although I am at odds with certain ideas and rules associated with it. I have abused drugs and alcohol on and off throughout my adult life and while it has been serious at times, I realized that I was not truly an alcoholic but my problems with that abuse stemmed from elsewhere. And it seems that I have finally been able to truly identify what that problem is. I work as a Systems Administrator for a small engineering firm in NE Alabama. I have lived all over this nation. I was born in Washington, DC and lived in the area until 1970. I lived in Arizona until 1979. My family then moved to the San Francisco Bay Area where I lived until 2000. I met my wife in 1995 and we married in 1997. We moved to Arizona for 2 years and tried to move back to the Bay Area because of homesickness. Upon arrival back in the Bay Area, we were betrayed by a family member. That betrayal forced my family to move to the Southeast US where we remain to this day.
I do not remember when I started procrastinating but I know it was close to the sixth grade. Since then, procrastination has had a stranglehold on my life. It has cost me jobs, relationships, education, health and a lot of other things that I am sure that some of you can relate to. I have no idea how I have been able to keep my current job as I constantly push back projects and/or wait until the last minute to do them. And in my field, that is a bad thing because there are almost always things that pop up to get in the way at the last minute NATURALLY that impede progress.
I like to think that I am of above average intelligence but I think I am sorely lacking in the wisdom department. Right now, I have what feels like a million things that need doing hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles. What I don't understand is how I let such important tasks slip by so far and away without really doing anything about them. I currently have several years of taxes to file. I haven't filed for a birth certificate and SSN# for a child who was born at home almost 5 years ago. The farther away from these things that need doing, the harder it is to take the steps toward getting them done. I am so afraid of what could happen. But then I think shoudln't I be afraid of what will happen if I don't? And then I lather, rinse and repeat the cycle in varying degrees with everything that requires my attention. It is a pardox to the nth degree for and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get started.
My whole life has been like this, so I don't really feel as hopeful as some of you may think I should. I have tried so many times to pull myself off of the floor and get doing what needs doing with little measurable success. Oh sure, I can have a fit of industriousness and do a lot of things that need doing and say to myself that this is the beginning of change and POW! I am right back where I was. You know I didn't file a tax return for 10 years once and then I got an accountant to do it for me and that task was erased. Then only a couple of years later, I did the same damned thing. Didn't do them and now I have more returns to do! This life does not make sense to me and yet I continue floating on and getting by but NEVER getting ahead!
I am drowning and have been for some time. I need to change how I do things for the sake of my family and my mental, spiritual and physical health. I know this now. I just don't know how to start. It is such a . . . displaced sense of being. Knowing what you need to do but are seemingly powerless to do what needs doing! I am ready to come up for air. I just need to find the surface.