Hello - new guy here!
First off - a little about who I am so you know where I am coming from. If it doesn't matter to you, please feel free to skip the next paragraph.
I am a married man and I am 43 years old. I have five children ranging in age from 2 to 10 years, 3 girls and 2 boys. I was raised Catholic and still follow the faith mostly, although I am at odds with certain ideas and rules associated with it. I have abused drugs and alcohol on and off throughout my adult life and while it has been serious at times, I realized that I was not truly an alcoholic but my problems with that abuse stemmed from elsewhere. And it seems that I have finally been able to truly identify what that problem is. I work as a Systems Administrator for a small engineering firm in NE Alabama. I have lived all over this nation. I was born in Washington, DC and lived in the area until 1970. I lived in Arizona until 1979. My family then moved to the San Francisco Bay Area where I lived until 2000. I met my wife in 1995 and we married in 1997. We moved to Arizona for 2 years and tried to move back to the Bay Area because of homesickness. Upon arrival back in the Bay Area, we were betrayed by a family member. That betrayal forced my family to move to the Southeast US where we remain to this day.
I do not remember when I started procrastinating but I know it was close to the sixth grade. Since then, procrastination has had a stranglehold on my life. It has cost me jobs, relationships, education, health and a lot of other things that I am sure that some of you can relate to. I have no idea how I have been able to keep my current job as I constantly push back projects and/or wait until the last minute to do them. And in my field, that is a bad thing because there are almost always things that pop up to get in the way at the last minute NATURALLY that impede progress.
I like to think that I am of above average intelligence but I think I am sorely lacking in the wisdom department. Right now, I have what feels like a million things that need doing hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles. What I don't understand is how I let such important tasks slip by so far and away without really doing anything about them. I currently have several years of taxes to file. I haven't filed for a birth certificate and SSN# for a child who was born at home almost 5 years ago. The farther away from these things that need doing, the harder it is to take the steps toward getting them done. I am so afraid of what could happen. But then I think shoudln't I be afraid of what will happen if I don't? And then I lather, rinse and repeat the cycle in varying degrees with everything that requires my attention. It is a pardox to the nth degree for and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get started.
My whole life has been like this, so I don't really feel as hopeful as some of you may think I should. I have tried so many times to pull myself off of the floor and get doing what needs doing with little measurable success. Oh sure, I can have a fit of industriousness and do a lot of things that need doing and say to myself that this is the beginning of change and POW! I am right back where I was. You know I didn't file a tax return for 10 years once and then I got an accountant to do it for me and that task was erased. Then only a couple of years later, I did the same damned thing. Didn't do them and now I have more returns to do! This life does not make sense to me and yet I continue floating on and getting by but NEVER getting ahead!
I am drowning and have been for some time. I need to change how I do things for the sake of my family and my mental, spiritual and physical health. I know this now. I just don't know how to start. It is such a . . . displaced sense of being. Knowing what you need to do but are seemingly powerless to do what needs doing! I am ready to come up for air. I just need to find the surface.
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Welcome!
This is a place of good friends, hope, solace and healing. I wish you the best, and I'm happy that you're here.
The Hero's Code:
Show up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.
(No subject)
hi (soon to be not) drowning_man and welcome!
A long time ago I joined a forum (not this one - predates this one) with the username "procrastinator". People told me I shouldn't have such a negative name, so I changed it to "proACTIVE". Now I'm just "pro", which can go either way.
I hope soon you will be changing your name to something more positive and hopeful. Maybe change it now to give yourself a boost? How about "swimming"? That's sort of ambiguous - can be positive or negative. I think names matter, and the people in that other forum were right to make me change how I was labeling myself.
I relate very much to your story - perhaps not in the details of where you live and marital status, but in how procrastination has impacted my life. I still struggle, but things are way better than they were. You will see - you can change! We all can. We are here to help - glad you joined us.
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Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried.
Hi Back!
Thank you for your words. I have given my username some thought. I chose what I chose for a couple of reasons. Obviously the number 1 reason is that is how I truly feel. The other is that it is so completely different from the usual names I use and I really want to maintain my anonymity at this time. I also was thinking about how something as seemingly silly as a username may affect other people reading what I write or even seeing me in the list of online users. People who are struggling need positive influence more than anything and I try not to be negative. I suppose I could have given more thought to choosing my name. I tell you what . . . I will choose something more appropriate and positive sometime today! That will be something I can accomplish . . . a little victory, if you will, that I can build upon and start me on my way. I may even choose swimming_man . . . I like that very much. Thank you for the suggestion.
Again, thank you for your words of welcome and encouragement. I will just mention this here: I never thought there was anyone else so dysfunctional in the way that I am. There is comfort in the fact that one is not alone in what I truly thought was a struggle unique to myself. Perhaps that is a bit of narcissism on my part, I can't always tell what mental defects of mine are real or imagined. But this one, I know is real.
OK - I figured (go figure!)
OK - I figured (go figure!) no time like the present so here I am with a shiny new username - to replace my other shiny new username! I appreciate your thoughts, pro! Thanks again!
swimming's shiny new name
hey, it really looks great on you! Such a nice color and cut - I think it makes you looks slimmer!
Hee-hee!
Thanks! Coming from someone with a one letter username, I will take your compliment to heart!
Welcome Drowning!
Thanks for the welcome!
I read a lot while I was waiting to be approved . . . and more since! So I am hopeful. I found so much good. I am just trying to be cautiously optimistic. I have backslid so much in my life, it is difficult to believe in yourself. I don't want to be disappointed so much if I fail. I am also subject to depression which I gather seems to be quite common with people who have our condition. But it all starts somewhere and I believe that I can so . . . I have nothing to lose at this point. Thanks again for the welcome!
take it easy!
One day at a time, dr-man. If you start each day with a commitment not to procrastinate today, and you follow through, you'll have a real victory to celebrate and a taste of the bracing, fresh air at the "surface." If you define your success or failure on a lifetime, when will you ever know success?
Welcome and keep coming back.
--Rolzup
Thank you for the welcome and the word to the wise
Rolzup . . . when you said if you define your success or failure on a lifetime how will you ever know success? . . . WOW! That really resonated with me! Thank you! My life isn't all failure, I know this deep down inside. But it is so diificult when one's failures are so glaring. I digress . . . I need to concentrate on the positive things I have done (and will do!) and build upon those. I will give it the old college try . . . even though I never finished college! ;)
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your transformation, swimming man!
--Rolzup
welcome dr-man. i admire
welcome dr-man. i admire your honesty in your posts and hope you'll find some of the support here that i have
Thank you!
I appreciate the welcome, chickadee! You know, I feel if I am not honest here, I will not be able to be successful in taming this demon. I have not always been the most honest person in my life, sometimes even with myself. This is not good so in order to be good, I must do good. And to let you know, I already have found support . . . and hope! Just by knowing you all are here with the same issues roughly as I have - supporting and helping each other - that has given me more hope for the future then I have felt since I cannot even remember when.
Thanks again!