Mad at myself
Not really a check-in, so I'll post this here. (Though not really a question/answer/introduction, either. More like thinking out loud.)
I'm feeling mad at myself and frustrated. I'm taking today off, and my intention was to get to bed early last night, get up at my usual time as if going to work, and get some cringe-busting done. Instead, I stayed up late fooling around on the internet and slept very late. And woke up into one of those days where I know it would feel good to get things in my life taken care of, but am just dragging my feet on doing anything at all.
I'm mad at myself the way you get mad at someone you love when you see them behaving self-destructively and feel powerless to change their behavior. It's the kind of anger that comes not from being judgemental, but from frustration and concern and fear. It's scary sometimes to feel like I'm not in control of myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I want to punish myself for procrastinating. Not because I'm judging myself or think I deserve to suffer, but because I'm frightened. Sort of like the way that even the most gentle parent may find themself reflexively wanting to scold and slap when they see a child running into the street or playing with matches. "Don't you ever do that again! You'll get hurt!"
Procrastination does lead to negative consequences, but they are usually diffuse, cumulative and not experienced right away. There's no immediate negative consequence for putting things off, and sometimes I wish there was, which is another aspect of wanting to be punished. It seems like I'd "get it" a lot better that procrastination hurts if it actually did hurt at the time of the behavior -- say, if someone would smack me upside the head right away if I surf the web after bedtime (wonder if I can hire someone to do that. . .?) ;-)
I get so tired of always having to be my own parent. Coaxing myself, coaching myself, figuring out ways to move myself along. Being in conflict with myself over ordinary, everyday things. Seeing myself live with disorganization and disarray and wanting something better for myself, yet fighting myself every step of the way, like a cranky child resisting the very things that could make it feel better. I wish I could just grow the hell UP, and do stuff without all this fuss.
:(( Sigh. Guess I have a bit of sorting out to do. Thanks for the opportunity to rant!