Sore losing is linked to perfectionism?
The last 4 days, I've started to play some online games again. Initially, I intended to play only for a little while, and to try enjoy playing again just for playing sake, rather than for winning's sake. I couldn't do it. I kept losing. The frustration of it all continually built up inside me and I had this relentless need to keep playing until I relieve the frustration. I have yet to do so. It has consumed nearly all my time for the last 4 days. Tonight, It has culminated in an emotional breakdown - I sobbed uncontrollably for a while and right this very moment, I feel hopeless and helpless. I'm tempted to use the word depressed.
I have this incessant need to always win. Another way you could look at it is that I absolutely hate losing or being bad at something, like this online game. Even though I keep telling myself that it's only a game, I can't stop myself from feeling incredibly frustrated when I lose. And I feel as though I can't stop playing until I win.
For some people, in some cases, this could be seen as a good thing - determination. But instead, for me, it has only contributed to my plight. I woke up this morning and just felt this angry urge to play this online game - no, I mean to WIN at this online game. Its like I'm stuck and I can't move forward until I've won. And since I haven't won, my life has again been throw into chaos. I'm short-tempered again, eating unhealthily again, avoiding people and can't keep track of time. I guess you could call it time bingeing.
I realte this need to win/hate to lose to my perfectionism. Its clear to me that, being a perfectionist, I can't let it go until I am the best (or at least very good) at this game. Even though I know this, I'm still stuck on this feeling and I can't seem to get past it.
I feel so hopeless right now. I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself to just let it go - its just an online game. It means nothing to you. But whilst i keep saying that to myself, it does mean something to me; clearly it does! It brings up so much emotion, emotion that I cannot control that it has to be more than a game to me in my heart/mind.
Basically though, now that i'm stuck in this rut, I'm incredibly scared that I'll stay here for a long time again. This week has just flown by for me - just like when I used to procrastinate.
Does anybody have any good advice?