Thursday 29th July

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It's become very clear that what happened is not my fault.  And taking ownership for someone else's bullshit (not responding, not talking, not being willing to talk, not being consistent, not being on time, using me for a hit, saying that they can only date me IRL after they love me online (WTF), silent treatment, disappearing acts for weeks and weeks, trying to make me responsible when all I did was stand up for myself) is not really taking ownership for my part.  My part is what *I* did.  I hear the silence.  And the silence is deafening.  My sponsor has requested I write a list of what I want in a relationship.  I did, but still wonder if I got everything.  Also, there is the question of whether I needed to write about what I want in another person.  But most of all, I want to be fully myself and not take on other people's stuff, not worry about, "Am I doing the right thing?  Did they really get what I said?  Did they understand or are they still operating on a misunderstanding?"  If someone else misunderstands and doesn't know how I feel, it is NOT my job to cater to their understanding every moment, especially when I'm at work.  My job -- my first job -- is to take care of myself.  It's the old airplane oxygen mask analogy, I have to take care of myself before involving myself with others.  Dude is a fruitloop.  And there is nothing romantic about the scene in Doctor Who that I used to think is oh-so-romantic where River Song, the Doctor's wife is ranting about how she has no idea where the Doctor is ever, but that she's in love with him.  She says, you cannot expect a sunset to admire you back, and that loving the Doctor is like loving the stars themselves.  He's a human being, and if he doesn't treat me with respect and reciprocative attention back, he doesn't deserve to be in my company.  Sure, I know I sold myself short by putting up with him, but I wasn't addicted to the bad stuff; I was addicted to the intermittent positive rewards.  Everything about this interaction with this man reminds me of when I (20 years ago) thought it was a great idea to to track down a very well known Internet troll and have a relationship with them.  He was intellectually stimulating; don't get me wrong.  He was attractive in the brain way, but I got burned just like everyone else, or more than others.  Anyways, it's time to return to my boring life of running the back-end engine for a company that processes trillions of transactions for billions of customers all over the world, running a movie meetup (some of the time, I'm going with a quiet indie film that hopefully no one else shows up to so i can have a quiet afternoon alone), possibly moving to Silicon Valley of this area, having my stuff together in a general sense, continuing my running plan (so glad I won't have that boring nonboyfriend talking me out of running anymore).  That's one saving grace of dumping him.  I'm still not quite myself.  Still not up to full voltage yet.  I feel I'm operating on some very low voltage at the moment. Getting back to the list for sponsor, I want to be in a relationship where I don't have to worry if I'm using all the right words.  Only people with serious personal problems accuse others of blowing hot and cold , when they themselves are doing that.  Only people with serious personal stuff going on pick over every which word someone they're in a relationship with uses in an effort to derail or gaslight them.  There is something up with him; as he said on our second date, "I thought you thought I was more trouble than I was worth."  Accurate.  He was more trouble than worth.  Dude isn't even fun.  Well, moving on.  I have learned a few important things:

1) If I ever after a date feel like s* and do not want to see the person again but feel guilty about blocking and going no contact.  Do it, esp if I don't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole, and they just finished telling me how they spent a month smoking, being an alcoholic and umm not doing any dental cleaning.  No, and hell no.

2) Don't dump anyone, if I *want* to hear from them again (even for the dopamine hits), just don't.  Especially if I think that person is distancing themselves; it's always best in that situation to let them distance themselves, feel better about myself and my life first, let them do the chasing, if anyone.

3) When someone says they are unavailable, ask for a timeline of unavailability.  If they cannot give one say, "OK," and leave it at that; do not proceed to convince them to be my s.o.

4) The minute someone says, "I'm leaving the country," right before a date, that should be the same as, "I'm unavailable right now."  It doesn't mean I should feel bad about myself or feel that I'm unavailable, it means they are.

5) If someone says, "I'm available but not for a long-term relationship."  I will ask, "What does that mean in concrete terms?  What are you available for?  What days/times are you available for and what are you available for exactly?  Sex?  Cuddling?  When can you do those activities specifically?"  And that would be if I were "interested"; but I'm not interested in unavailable people right now.  Not at all.  So if I had to say, "You appear to be broadcasting your unavailability," that's my straight-chaser personality seeing it like it is.

6) There is no explicit need to follow up on someone sending me a photograph after they made it clear they aren't interested in dating IRL or need to love me online first in order to pursue me in their real/actual life (whatever that means).  Photos are crumbs; he could post those on Instagram.

7) After it's over, block him everywhere.  I don't want him turning up like a bad penny after I've worked so hard on my own life and activities. He doesn't deserve me, not even for the dopamine hits.

I do not deserve to be treated like s* by anyone.  I am so fucking done with this nonsense.  I deserve someone present in my life, who cares about me, who is highly responsive and really has the potential to be in a relationship.  I also deserve someone mentally, morally, physically, ethically, emotionally, intellectually attractive to me, who takes care of himself.  I deserve someone who informs me of what they are doing, such that if they are taking a two-month sabbatical from me (and the rest of reality), I am well-informed rather than accepting they are going to blow in and out of my life like a tumble weed.  The common thread I see among people it does not work out with is:

1) a lack of ability of the other person to communicate and that person stymieing the relationship based on my communicating my needs or having needs.  Because apparently communicating is so G-d awful for them.

2) Childishness.  The troublesome have all said they see themselves as 'childish.'  They excuse their unreliable behavior, by saying they are not dependable.  If someone ever says they are "childish," that's a red flag for me personally.

Morning

[x] guitar lesson

[x] intray

[x] zoom workshop

Afternoon

[x] mow lawn

[x] text S

[ ] emails re roster

[x] zoom workshop

Evening

[ ] read YM docs

[ ] knitting/lace

if time and energy

[ ] pay window cleaner

[ ] book boiler service

[ ] ring Anne re funeral