Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Sunday July 25, 2021

check-in: 07/25/2021: 11:09am

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'Is it not sufficient to be convinced one’s self? When children come to us clapping their hands, and saying, “To-morrow is the good feast of Saturn”; do we tell them that good doth not consist in such things? By no means; but we clap our hands also. Thus, when you are unable to convince any one, consider him as a child, and clap your hands with him; or, if you will not do that, at least hold your tongue. These things we ought to remember; and, when we are called to any trial, to know, that an opportunity is come of showing whether we have been well taught.' -Epictetus

'The cards don't matter and the chips don't matter.  Making careful and skillful use of the deal, that's where my responsibility begins.  In life our first job is this, to divide and distinguish things into two categories: externals I cannot control, but the choices I make with regard to them I do control.  ...Do not ever speak of good or bad, advantage or harm that is not your responsibility.' - Epictetus

I just want to talk about how I feel.  I feel really fucking hurt.  I did not want to be the one to do this, to execute the break up, but they left me no choice.  I mean, I had a choice to keep waiting and wondering after they disrespected me.  I know I did the right thing, b/c I fantasized daily about breaking up with them.  I even wrote here that I would spend one day at a time avoiding them, and I did not, b/c they sought me out and I responded.   I don't think they would again now that I ended it.  I'm writing a list of what I want in a relationship now for my sponsor.  I wanted the person.  Don't get me wrong, my ending it was not an assertion of what I wanted.  I feel not okay.  I really need to cry and feel every feeling and get it out.  Anyone who leaves for days at a time and leaves up a cryptic playlist is NOT worth investigating.  Let this be a warning for me for next time that if someone does not announce their absence or what the heck is going on they are hurtful.  Tomorrow, I want to be productive (even today actually), and I need to put myself in the position of being productive.  But I am really fucking hurt; it feels excruciating.  I'm crying.  I know the old adage, the person who is worthy of my love will not make me cry.  He did not make me cry.  I made me cry.  I felt panicked, b/c I was more focused on him than I was about my own stuff that I needed to get done for myself.  I was living my life based on *his* choices, someone else's choices. That's my sponsor's definition of codependency.  I reckon that ended things after four days, more because of my procrastination addiction, rather than anything else, so that I could get going with my life, as if I needed to hear from him or know what he was doing in order to do that.  I don't.  I just was obsessed.  There were other reasons.  His actions were worrisome.  He behaved in an untrusthworthy manner.  If the person were a good fit I would not be worried about their leaving and going to find someone else or losing interest instantaneously, I am told by folks in my other twelve step program.  But I worry that I am not the right person b/c I was not showing up for myself.  The boundaries are for me to set: when I go to sleep, when I end the conversation, when I brush and floss my teeth, *BEFORE* contacting him.  I'm worried that I'm not the "right" person for the right person, b/c I abandoned my self-hood to be on this whim.  I mean WTAF.  I know desperation is sexy to no one that I want to be into.  I have felt despair.  I have not listened to myself.  I have told my sponsor that I want to listen long and hard to my gut, my intuition and my HP, before anyone else to decide what to do.  I did not call him.  I don't want to be getting a hit to live another moment.  I want to be independent and keeping myself.  If blocking someone is what I have to do to keep myself and prevent my OCD from spiraling, it's fine.  Anything I do to support my own recovery is a worth it.  Higher Power, what are you asking me to do, beyond just taking care of myself?  The benefit of blocking the person is that it's not as though I'm waiting for them to be ready.  I'm not living for them. If he is gone, then he is gone.  I feel like I'm an addict, b/c I can't leave the person blocked, b/c I'm afraid I might miss something.  I know this is the addict talking.  I just really want to listen to the HP right now. I really want to hear what the HP is telling me to do.  I feel the healthy behavior is whatever enables me to take care of myself, b/c HP has endowed me with the task of self-care and nobody else.  I am literally the only person who can do it.  No one else can do squats for me.  My reasons for staying in the interaction are loneliness, the hope that someday or in another month we could have a healthy relationship, but we cannot have that until I'm showing up for myself, and I am not showing up for myself.  Sponsor asked me to write a list of what I want in a dating relationship, not even a life partner, I did it.  I wrote it.  I knew that this person did not match that, but it wasn't him.  I mean -- sure there were serious problems with this guy: lying, playing video games, being a sex addict, having friends that he merely had sex with, seducing married women, talking openly about how he wanted to experiment with being a bottom, when we started dating, as if he was already planning on dating men when "courting" me but saying he was not poly nonetheless, telling me he wanted to be the best bf ever and that he was not dependable or available in the same conversation.  I feel like I walked right into this.  I already did.  I already feel hurt.  I already feel gross, his apologizing while giving an excuse, his apologizing while giving an excuse right after I called him on it, disappearing acts, silent treatment, thinking he didn't matter to me so he didn't need to tell me when he was coming and going.  I could say a thousand more things that were deeply problematic.  The fact that I was not showing up for myself when I was with him, and was freaked that I lost out on my OTL when I dumped him.  If he were my true love, I highly doubt that I would be feeling like I had Covid and a migraine just b/c I dumped him after fantasizing about dumping him every damn day for a month.

Upon reading _Mr Unavaiable and the Fallback_ I reckon I did the right thing by blocking this person everywhere.  It sounds like I'm a mixture of many of the fallback types, including recently the type that assumes i haven't done enough or made enough of a good go at it, while he's definitely the chaser as well as a bunch of other Unavailable types.  Either way, I did the right thing.  I disagree with my sponsor that he has autism, and that *that* is the problem.  I don't think autism makes people lie when they don't have to or future-fake; that's strategy, and I only want to be with available people and be available to myself --


InnerTruth's to-do list - Sunday

1- 2 - 3 essays

2 - 3 - 3 essays

3:15 - 4:15 - 3 essays

4:15 - 5:15 - 3 essays

5:15 - 7 - dinner & socialize

7 - 8 - 3 essays

8 - call Mom 

8:30 - 10 -prepare for tomorrow

Things to do

Things I will do today

1. Prayer and meditation (Done)

2. Read devotionals (Done)

3. Wash and dry clothes (Done)

4. Put clothes away

5. Go to 12-Step meetings

6. Go to a mental health support group

7. Wash dishes

8. Clear tables near my computer

9. Clear table near my bed