Friday April 2, 2021

Please do not leave feedback or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.

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I'm going to fake it until I make it.  I would like to be waking up at 6am to do my morning routine, and doing my work after that, but there is no option like that today.  So I'm going to do the best of it. I don't think I'm going to be going to that Thursday night meeting for a bit.  Something about it seems draining.  I don't know if it was the incessant crosstalk, where people kept mentioning others during their share and emphatically as if, "Here I am, being rude and not following the traditions."  Or, it could've been misgendering me.  Or, it could have been that they chatted for 15 minutes after the meeting was supposed to occur b/c they waited on *one* person to arrive, when that person was not the meeting leader.  The meeting isn't run by the traditions and they do not follow the format.  I feel unsafe there.  It doesn't matter *who* anyone is.  But from now on, I do not  go to sleep later than 12am on week nights, unless I'm doing some work and getting some work done.  I just really did not like that Thursday meeting.  That felt uncomfortable AF.  One dude was making inappropriate comments about how I was "early" when I was merely on time for the meeting.  Totally none of his business and thenmthe meeting didn't start on time, because they were chatting, during which I discovered that one dude, who usually seems mean toward me was being mean to another person for no reason. I have realized he's a bully and an unpleasant person who only acts nice to whom he likes.  I feel like I'm going to hurl, whenever I hear some well-intentioned woman call him a cute nickname, as if he were a nice person, when he's actually quite rude with anyone else he doesn't like.  He and the other guy who was absent last night have grabbed their chairs and dragged them loudly 20 feet away from me during a meeting, when they arrived late, as those were the only empty seats, as if to say, "We're not sitting with you."  Rude.  I just don't think I need to be treated like this anymore.  There are some good people there, but I need to be a better version of myself and that meeting is not respectful.  And then, the timer (one of the well-intentioned women, who is an extremely salty interrupter during business meetings) filling the camera frame with her timer and letting it beep unchecked, instead of just saying my time was up.  It seemed quasi-hostile.  I don't think I'm going back for now.  I haven't decided whether to email the chip person for my chip.  I need to find another meeting where they follow the format to maintain safety and do not crosstalk.  I may try Monday.

"Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it." —Malcom X, Malcolm X Speaks