Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Saturday 1 August 2020

OneDay: checkin: 3:36pm

Please do not leave feedback, replies or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

I've been not really present on the planet.  It started before yesterday when I masturbated and felt bad about it.  It's not a bottomline for me, as it is for others in my 12 step program.  Also, there was porn, and not the kind I want to watch.  That's also not something I want to have as a bottomline.  I very rarely watch it, and rarely ever masturbate, so I don't think that's my problem.  My problem is procrastination. Merely.  If i did those things, and still did everything I had to do, I would not feel bad about it.  Also, I've been following this actor and I know that the amount of videos and online content I've consumed about him in order to make the dopamine pump out is ironically not anything I care about.  What I care about is that I spent energy, CPU cycles of my brain thinking about this actor, when I wanted to be asleep.  I could not sleep last night.  I found myself watching some YT videos on my phone.  I'm glad to be joining a media recovery addiction program, even though i don't think my problem is media.  Even as a teenager, when I had no computer allotted to me, I found a way to procrastinate with candles and poetry.  But my checking in is not about that.  What this is about is that I need to get a foothold on life, including writing an email to my bosses about getting a monitor for my laptop for work.  There are little things that I could do, but I feel powerless in my present situation at work.  I know that's why I'm going here in my head.  Overwhelm.  Actually I do not feel powerless, that's not how i feel.  I have ingested so much media that I am taking time to figure out how I feel, and that's fine.  The ingestion of media isn't the issue.  It's the doing.  As one gal who put on a presentation last week told us, "It doesn't matter how you feel."  And as a neuropsychiatrist in OCD wrote in his book, "It matters what you do."  For me this program has been about the doing.  I think how I feel matters. I feel is that I want to do things.  Less thinking. More doing is a phrase I've used in PA.  I have wanted to just take some powdered vitamin with milk, but I have felt this thought, like, "What's the point?"  And there is a point.  I'm going to get out of this.  By getting out of this, I mean, I'm going to start working for a real top five tech company.  I'm going to have a permanent place to live.  I'm going to go to acting school and do the acting jobs that I've always wanted, instead of wondering where my life is going while watching a YT video of a contemporary who is now very successful, but had bouts of depression.  I'm going to get a therapist.  I need to settle my case with this attorney, who seems to be dragging out my case longer than it needs to be dragged out.  I don't get why she will not just allow me to sign the paperwork for the case.  I have this running list of things in my head.  I have lists of things to do that I've ignored month after month.  I feel like I need to do a brain dump of all the items.

I've found myself to be in a bit of a dopamine cesspool recently.  Commenting on various YT stars I'm into.  I don't want to claim to be any model of recovery for anyone.  But i also don't want to backslide again like this.  And by backsliding I'm no ttalking about bottomlines.  I'm talking about spending days not doing sh*t.  Feeling like sh*t.  Searching online for men in various television shows.  Women who date them.  The same thing I would do if I were desperate for real life persons.  I feel a compulsion to do what other people do or to think as other people do, when I go to 12 step meetings where people have bottomlines that I do not.  I just need to say it somewhere, but my acquaintance's ex sounds like a narcissicist.  Why did she ever not block that guy?  I don't get it.  So I immediately think, why have I not blocked my qualifiers?  B/c I do not know their number, unless I research it.  I'm afraid of hearing from qualifiers after 20 years.  I'ma fraid of being weak.  But I don't ever want to be there again, where I'm weak enough to be preyed on by a man, who doesn't have intentions other than abusive ones.  I'm afraid of doing a dopamine detox.  I'm afraid of doing sugar.  I cannot do this anymore. I'm starting with fixing my Twitter account so that it looks presentable.

OneDay: checkin: 4:01pm

Please do not leave feedback, replies or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

Nevermind.  I have not quite decided what to do with my Twitter, but i do not want to be a person who needs to change something about myself including an online profile to feel right with the world or okay with myself.  I just want to go about my business being me.  My addiction is in the not doing.  So I'm just going to focus on that bit for now by starting with vitamins.

DayOne: checkin: 4:47pm

Please do not leave feedback, replies or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.


Done with vitmins. Now going to do my dental routine, which I want to do on a nightly basis.  I'm going to set the clock for 11 minutes so I finish in a timely way.

DayOne:checkin 5:05pm

Please do not leave feedback, replies or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

 Proud of myself that I did the dental routine in 11 minutes.  Now, I'm going to do the workout.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, but it occurs to me, I need to do the following:

two hour walk or a run training module and some walking to cool down

10 minute upper body cardio

squats (3 sets of 12 as recommended by my doctor)

DayOne: checkin: 11:03pm

Please do not leave feedback or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

I did the exercise above.  All of it.  Going to write it on my calendar.  I also attended the dance party for my 12 step group.  I'm going to drink some water and take a shower, after I order some food.

DayOne: checkin: 12:46am

Please do not leave feedback or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

I ordered the food, and did the water. Instead of showering first, I deem it best to do my dental routine first.  Going to set the timer for eleven minutes. 

DayOne:checkin: 9:59am Sunday

Please do not leave feedback or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

Just replying to myself that I did this.  I also took the shower and went to sleep. 

my checkin


a little end of month accounting

ordered protein powder

worked on grocery delivery 

took out trash, cleaned out can 

wrote the abstract yay 



7:20-8am GR paper (feedback) DONE

8-10am bfast, recycling, walk, groceries DONE AND GOT CASH

10:30-11 major snack DONE 

11am-11:45 GR paper conclusion DONE

11:45-2pm GR paper Figure 6B DONE 

2-2:30 practice DONE 

2:30-5:15 snack and rest DONE

5:15-6 dinner DONE

6-8 anxiety class DONE 

8-10 GR paper (Figure titles and captions- see breakdown!, editing the whole thing) DONE




brunch dishes 



clean kitchen except floor (sun am)

clean little bathroom (sun am) 



finish feedback DONE 

conclusion DONE

figure 6B DONE

edit whole paper DONE

finish figure titles and captions DONE


abstract DONE. YAY. 



1 Aug: finish feedback, conclusions, figure 6B, editing whole paper, figure titles and captions  DONE

2 Aug: abstract DONE

2 Aug: polish editing, finalize questions for co-authors, mail to co-authors if possible