Saturday 1 August 2020

Please do not leave feedback, replies or advice.  Silent prayers welcome.  Thank you.

I've been not really present on the planet.  It started before yesterday when I masturbated and felt bad about it.  It's not a bottomline for me, as it is for others in my 12 step program.  Also, there was porn, and not the kind I want to watch.  That's also not something I want to have as a bottomline.  I very rarely watch it, and rarely ever masturbate, so I don't think that's my problem.  My problem is procrastination. Merely.  If i did those things, and still did everything I had to do, I would not feel bad about it.  Also, I've been following this actor and I know that the amount of videos and online content I've consumed about him in order to make the dopamine pump out is ironically not anything I care about.  What I care about is that I spent energy, CPU cycles of my brain thinking about this actor, when I wanted to be asleep.  I could not sleep last night.  I found myself watching some YT videos on my phone.  I'm glad to be joining a media recovery addiction program, even though i don't think my problem is media.  Even as a teenager, when I had no computer allotted to me, I found a way to procrastinate with candles and poetry.  But my checking in is not about that.  What this is about is that I need to get a foothold on life, including writing an email to my bosses about getting a monitor for my laptop for work.  There are little things that I could do, but I feel powerless in my present situation at work.  I know that's why I'm going here in my head.  Overwhelm.  Actually I do not feel powerless, that's not how i feel.  I have ingested so much media that I am taking time to figure out how I feel, and that's fine.  The ingestion of media isn't the issue.  It's the doing.  As one gal who put on a presentation last week told us, "It doesn't matter how you feel."  And as a neuropsychiatrist in OCD wrote in his book, "It matters what you do."  For me this program has been about the doing.  I think how I feel matters.  But...how I feel is that I want to do things.  Less thinking. More doing is a phrase I've used in PA.  I have wanted to just take some powdered vitamin with milk, but I have felt this thought, like, "What's the point?"  And there is a point.  I'm going to get out of this.  By getting out of this, I mean, I'm going to start working for a real top five tech company.  I'm going to have a permanent place to live.  I'm going to go to acting school and do the acting jobs that I've always wanted, instead of wondering where my life is going while watching a YT video of a contemporary who is now very successful, but had bouts of depression.  I'm going to get a therapist.  I need to settle my case with this attorney, who seems to be dragging out my case longer than it needs to be dragged out.  I don't get why she will not just allow me to sign the paperwork for the case.  I have this running list of things in my head.  I have lists of things to do that I've ignored month after month.  I feel like I need to do a brain dump of all the items.

I've found myself to be in a bit of a dopamine cesspool recently.  Commenting on various YT stars I'm into.  I don't want to claim to be any model of recovery for anyone.  But i also don't want to backslide again like this.  And by backsliding I'm no ttalking about bottomlines.  I'm talking about spending days not doing sh*t.  Feeling like sh*t.  Searching online for men in various television shows.  Women who date them.  The same thing I would do if I were desperate for real life persons.  I feel a compulsion to do what other people do or to think as other people do, when I go to 12 step meetings where people have bottomlines that I do not.  I just need to say it somewhere, but my acquaintance's ex sounds like a narcissicist.  Why did she ever not block that guy?  I don't get it.  So I immediately think, why have I not blocked my qualifiers?  B/c I do not know their number, unless I research it.  I'm afraid of hearing from qualifiers after 20 years.  I'ma fraid of being weak.  But I don't ever want to be there again, where I'm weak enough to be preyed on by a man, who doesn't have intentions other than abusive ones.  I'm afraid of doing a dopamine detox.  I'm afraid of doing sugar.  I cannot do this anymore. I'm starting with fixing my Twitter account so that it looks presentable.