Taking back power & control
Hello, I'm going to write here about my insights regarding my very severe avoidance/procrastination problem.
I recently learned the core reason why I have so many dysfunctional behaviors as well as physical problems.
Without getting into what that reason is, let's just say that my power was taken from me at a young age in several ways. I'm realizing that my demand resistance is a result of me trying to wrestle back that power and control. If I hear "You have to ..." my subconscious immediately reacts with "No, you can't make me!!! I won't do it!"
I realized this little mind trick today when faced with yet another day of sitting in front of my computer and just paralyzed to focus and work. Couldn't do it! So I thought, maybe I should calculate my numbers, how much I need to do to earn the money I need, right? Sounds all good according to my other 12-step money programs, but the problem is this damned DEMAND RESISTANCE!!!
So I have to change the way I plan my parameters. If I plan how much I have to work to get x amount of money, I feel overwhelmed, freak out and don't do ANYTHING AT ALL! Which is obviously counterproductive to my goals.
So ... what to do. I know I need to read up more on this demand resistance issue as I only briefly read some of the main articles on this site about it. I probably need to go deeper into this.
For now, I'm seeing that this is a power and control issue, namely the fact that I felt I had none as a child. However, the way my subconscious is going about getting power back is actually DISEMPOWERING ME. Not working, not earning money is no way to have power or control! When I work, I earn money, when I have money, I have freedom which gives me control and power.
If I continue to avoid working as an act of defiance, then I am only hurting myself and not really gaining back that power. Instead, I am continuing to let my abusers have control over me. I want to drive this point home to my conscious mind, because I believe that being AWARE of the source of the problem is what heals it.
I'm interested in anyone's thoughts on this issue who is going through a similar journey. Thanks for letting me share!