Given a last chance to change my habits
I failed the prerequisite course for my terminal (thesis) studio, due to a lack of effort and persistant procrastination, and because I flat out didn't complete the tasks I was supposed to. I was called into my professor's office today and he said he was surprised that I had failed. He wanted to know what was going on so he could make a judgement about whether to bend the system to let me continue to my thesis studio.
I told him that I had time management problems, that I'd been allowed to barely slip by year after year, and that I'd developed a habit of laziness. He didn't like what he heard. I was told that, aganst his better judgement (he noted that most students who fail the prerequisite but are allowed to continue, ending up failing the actual studio) he would give me the option of continueing.
He noted that i got low feedback scores from other students concerning my level of participation on a group model we had to build. It's true that I didn't participate much. I didn't tell him that I have social anxiety, or that when I was at the group planning meeting my ideas were mostly ignored and people constantly interrupted me, or didnt even bother to register that I was speaking.
The catch is, that if I fail during my actual studio next term, I will be exprelled from my degree.
I've known that this moment was going to happen for a long time... now it's happened.
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Thanks so much everyone
Thanks so much everyone forthe solidarity wishes, it's really helpful.
I tried a group therapy program with my school counseling depertmant, but it was only of limited help. The other people didn't really have procrastination problems so it wasn't addressed. I'm going to be going back next term to see if I can get more specialised help.
My professor is an intimidating guy who honestly, is one of the most unlikeable and not-people friendly person I have met in recent years. One really gets the sense that he's just really angry and spiteful all the time. I would have opened up to him otherwise, but with him it just wasn't worth it.
One of the things told me was along the lines of: Most people who fail the studio either aren't up to the challenge, or aren't motivated or willing to do the work. He asked me if I even cared about the class. Of course I didn't tell him, but I'm having doubts about my major. I just don't think I can hack it: Architecture is really competitive and as the yewars have gone by, I'm realizing more and more that I'm just not the right kind of person. I'm more interested in art and drawing, than meeting with tons of clients, building networking connections (my network is non-existant), and specing construction documents. But I have no choice but to soldier on and finish the degree, I can't spend five years and come out with nothing.
(Wo)Man's Finest Hour!
Rednotdead, you need to be honest with yourself. Are you scaling down your goals and your idea of the person you can be because of the drubbing life has handed you in recent times? I know that feeling. As we keep coming up against wall after wall, we think,maybe i should scale down my goals, maybe i am not cut out for this, maybe i dont belong here. But rememeber, the past does not EQUAL to the future. You CAN change things around. But you have to remember and tell yourself everyday that you wont settle for less, that you wont shrink your world and your dreams because of the past. Remember just as we created those specific past experiences because of our beliefs and actions, we can create new empowering ones if we can change our beliefs of who we are and consequently the actions which flow from those beliefs.
I have faith in you.Never give up, Never never give up. You are right, you can't let your 5 years go to waste, because that will destroy your self belief for the rest of your life and will follow you through life and reflect in whatever else you embark to do. I am almost 6 years into the qualifcation that i am working towards and im going to finish it.
Whatever you do after that, is up to you. But you owe it yourself just to finish this.
I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious
P.S. Try and download Personal Power II off filestube. That has helped me keep my head high more than any counsellor i have personally seen.
Best wishes, rednotdead
"Compassion without truth is not really compassion,
and truth without compassion is not really truth."
-From Wisdom of the Enneagram (book by Don Riso and Russ Hudson)
Red Not Dead
Been there! The only way I know how to handle that is to pick myself up off the ground and start moving. Nothing scarier in a fight than the guy that who is repeatedly knocked down and yet, keeps getting up for more. You're in a fight with the beast of procrastination. Pick yourself up off the ground and kick its a@#! I'm rooting for ya!
I relate a lot to what you are sharing. Thanks so much for sharing what you are going through. I fully offer you my solidarity. I hope you are keeping persective, and reminding yourself that it will pass. I have a great youtube video done by a lifecoach which helped me create an empowering morning routine, I am in the process of watching it again and making a new A4 with indications of how to do this morning routine, because lately I got out of the habit of doing it, and I can share this video with u if u like, it works for me, to have a powerful morning routine, which sets me up powerfully for the day.. I let it slip cos I was away for work for 2 weeks and lost the a4 with info which was on my wall, so am now making a new a4 so i can start my morning routine again too. But in any case.. don't let the B&A^S%*T*A*R&&^D*7S get you down! POWER TO YOU!
Hi rednotdead don't despair
Hi rednotdead, i study and teach at a university. I would advise you to seek help from the university's counselling unit and tell them the extent of your problems, including social anxiety. This can be used to apply for special consideration or even used as an avenue of appeal if it comes to issues to do with continuing the degree.
In the mean time, cheer up, and tell yourself: 'The past does not equal to the future'. We can change everyday little by little and sometimes drastically if you have enough emotion and leverage to change.
Yours in solidarity,
Good luck Rednotdead
I second what Thesis has to say.
Go to the counselling service! Tell them your problems! Get help!
I think you have made good first steps. You are being very honest about what you have done and not done, and you have spoken to your professor. This is very good.
I am struggling on the same path of anxiety and procrastination. And yet I also sometimes teach classes in the uni. I dont want my lonely, anxious and low self-esteem students to fail. I want them to get the support they need. They are often some of the deepest thinkers and the ones who ask the best questions. Society needs people like that (like you? like me) to succeed!
We can overcome! Good luck.
Another small comment to Rednotdead
Just wanted to add....
Re your conversation with your Professor
"I was told that, aganst his better judgement (he noted that most
students who fail the prerequisite but are allowed to continue, ending
up failing the actual studio) he would give me the option of
Like most professors, this person is not an expert in dealing with people who are, for one reason or another, struggling with social / psychic aspects of their studies. This approach of letting people thro who failed but almost expecting them to fail the actual course, does not seem very fair on anybody. In my opinion such students need additional support as well as another chance.
Hang in there, rednotdead!
I don't know what to say, except that here on the other side of the world I'm sitting at the breakfast table and want to reach out to you. It must have been so hard to sit there and listen to your professor. Does you think he realizes what you're dealing with? The extent of your issues? Do you think the school's counseling services could help you, or have you already been down that route?
Just know that I feel for you as you struggle with this. You are not alone and many of us have been in situations like yours before. If you really want to stay in this program, I hope what happened today will help you find the strength and courage to make it happen. Or is this not what you really want to do? Or do you have to get some things figured out before you can be successful in this?
Hang in there! Tomorrow everything won't seem so bad. The sun is almost up here.