Saturday August 11, 2012

Please do not leave advice or feedback.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I'm so angry at myself for waking up late.  I am sick and tired of this,
yet have not had the strenght to get up early because I've been "on my
own" and not accountable to anyone.  So I am making a pledge here for  a
few days.  In the very least I'd like to start waking up at 7am, but in
order to work out in the morning I need to wake up at like 5:45am
(start getting ready for bed at 9:45pm), which is my ultimate goal.  But
now today I slept in until nearly 10:30am.  So tomorrow, Saturday, I
want to wake up by 10:00am. (Did this.)

Sunday 9:30am (1:30am)

Monday 9am (1 am)

Tuesday 8:30am  (12:30am)

Wednesday by 8am (12 am)

Thursday by 7:30am (11:30pm)

Friday by 7:00am (11pm)

Saturday by 6:30am (10:30pm)

Sunday by 6:00am (10:00pm)

Monday by 5:45am. (9:45pm)

I must also start getting to sleep at the accompanying times.  I must
brush my teeth at night as it is the first inducer to go to sleep.  I
know that I only stay up because I get horribly bored and lonely, so I
end up watching streaming television until I cannot keep my eyes open. 
Mostly out of loneliness, depression, obsession or a pure feeling of not
having any fun, but waking up earlier will permit me to have fun at the
gym before I leave.  Moreover, waking up on time will allow me to
attend social engagements that I'm now kicking myself for not being able
to attend due to my waking up at this time (namely a company department
party).   I am really angry at myself and embarrassed at all the
stares, but this isn't about other people, this is a life problem that I
have, and it has nothing to do with the particular job.  This could be
any job and I'd still have this problem and that stagnancy horrifies
me.  Perhaps not enough, which is why I'm posting this here.  Once I
reach my commitment as specified above, I do not need to keep on holding
to it, I will decide whether to recommit to a new thing after that,but I
just want to give myself a chance to make that decision, and to make
decisions about my own personal timing.

Just had to delete that so I could get a fresh start. I'm feeling a little better now. I lowered my daily goals drastically to release the demand/pressure since I do not function well with it. I am accepting the consequences of meeting lowered goals, but knowing that some goal met later is better than nothing met at all with too-high goals.

I am going to be okay. I am going to "keep on course" or "keep on moving" as Vic shared in his post. 

I am handling things in this moment to the best of my ability. I am breathing and taking it slow to moderate pace. One thing at a time. 

Thanks to PA for being here. And thanks to God for whatever works. 

• get ready
• HS Vir
• ring computer places
• make appt dentist
• ring upc
• phone calls

• ring sponsor
• go meeting 
• meet sis for coffee
• executive summary
• edit down chapter 1 and 2
• put in info gb
• print OBR
• rehab excercises
• bed early