Thursday April 19, 2012

haven't checked in but have been using the chat a bunch.
Already Done
-Optics Class
-Draft 2
-Writing Class
-Met w Tutor
School
-Finish Peer Review
-Work on Optics HW (try all the problems?)
-Get at least 2 of the physics problems done
Planning
-Come up with an end of the semester list
-Schedule for next week?
Misc
-Record Judas Priest song for research for paper
-Fin Aid Meeting
-Do "something" towards/decluttering/clearing out/organizing
-Make thread for "do something goal"

stealing wip's color idea :)

I forfeited the opportunity to earn 10 hours of overtime pay today specifically so that I could:

open mail mountain beside couch and respond

listen to voicemail and respond 

resolve health insurance issue

resolve loan repayment issues

apply for retirement

set up autopay options for utilities 

vacuum apt

clean bathroom 

box up small items in B's apt

pack car with items for church yard sale; take over tomorrow, NOT today. 

It's tempting to do everything but the health insurance issue.  I feel great anxiety about it.  But anxiety will not kill me.  Here's my chance to burn a hole right through it and be done with it; I will get an attorney to help me if necessary.  I have suffered almost a year over it.  The surgery was a piece of cake compared to this process.  No more beating myself up over it; that hasn't helped so far and isn't likely to help in the future.

So, I hereby

1.  STOP horribilizing and dramatizing this task.  It is neutral, as is everything else in life.  I'd rather have this problem than someone else's problems.  I can think of one dear person in my life who is much worse off than I.

2.  Forgive myself for putting this off for so long; the past is ancient history.

3.  Accept all consequences of my actions; if I have to pay the whole thing because I was overinsured and didn't get it straightened out right away, so be it.  I've survived so far, and this is just one more thing to survive.

3.  Will make amends to all, including myself.  I'll pay what they say I owe.  I'll replace self-punishing thoughts with:  I'm happy to be alive!  I am worthy because I am alive.  I have choices because I am alive.  I'll make the best of who I am and what I have.  I am taking care of myself as best I can and growing into the reliable, honest, loving person I want to be.

Wishing everyone here a productive, joyful day! 

“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing, there will be no result”  -Mahatma Gandhi

Back in the office today and so far so good.   I've been to the gym, was on time to work, I've done email and I have my todo list.  Now I will spend one hour on the horrid documentation project that I hate and I do not want to work on. 

Update 11:30 I still haven't worked on the documentation, but I did make a phone call that I dreaded almost as much as the doc.   That's funny, procrastinating on paperwork by doing my most hated thing, phone calls lol.   Now for the doc - I am going to require an hour's work on this before I allow myself to eat my lunch, and it's a good lunch.  

Update 12:30 done!   Now lunch.

Update 5 pm The horrid documentation is DONE.   I figured while I had everything together I might as well go ahead and finish it rather than spend time ramping up and find everything again every time I want to work on it a bit.  In celebration of completing this task I'm leaving work at 5:00!   Outta here, see ya tomorrow. 

Jo 

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.  Try again.  Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett

Today is another busy day. I need to:
Finish emails (working on this now)

Collect 3 samps
Freeze SMF sample
Finish R8 staining and image (this turned out kinda cruddy tho.)
Coverslip and assess and do expt corrs
(working on this now)
Help labmate debug (done, though I need to send an email about this in the evening)
Go to target

Please do not leave advice or feedback.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I need to stay positive and focused on my own recovery.   It is thrive or die for me as an addict.  

Yes, I made it to day 90!  :)  I am giving myself a pat on the back for my work.  90 days ago I committed to "no stalking" of several people that I made a list of.  I added people unofficially along the way.   I had also decided to take 90 days off of Internet dating in order to get out of my rut of feeling like I was always pursuing or spending time in conversations with people who were not going to be realistic for a romantic relationship.

As part of my being positive and inviting positivity into my life I am going to download _Power Thoughts_ again from my library. 

Picking levels have been at an all time high, and today at work I was paranoid that someone would think ill of me when they saw the front of my car, but I realize that was my own fear.  Indeed, I do work in the banking industry and people do judge you by what type of car you drive, especially since there were five despots waiting on the curb for someone in a Maserati to drive up and get the royal company treatment.  So perhaps it's not altogether unreasonable that I was paranoid, but I am going to make an affirmation to my higher power, that my employers have faith in me as a responsible person and an intellectual.  Besides, I am saving up to fix my car, not that it was my fault anyways, since the car hit an errant muffler left on the freeway, but I need to wait to pay for it.  I used my IRS refund to pay off one of my credit lines.  I am doing one credit line per paycheck, so I have money for food and such.  I know I made a smart decision calling my dentist.  I just need to master the art of going to bed at 10:30pm, so I can wake up early and feel awake all day.