Agnus: How Long Things Take
BULLSHI* THYSELF NOT! These are actual recorded times it has taken me to complete these tasks. No matter how much I think or want to believe that, "It will be different this time," IT WILL NOT BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME. I am POWERLESS over TIME. Things TAKE TIME. I TAKE TIME. It is not wrong to take time to do things. I am powerless over how long things take.
(I feel an acute sense of shame about how long it takes me to do things. I always feel like it takes me much longer than it takes everyone else. I have no objective measure of this, but a skin-crawling anxiety about it. This anxiety is briefly relieved by praise from a superior, but it always comes back. Objectively I think it's a bit nuts to feel this way given what people are willing to pay me for my work; apparently THEY don't think I'm slacking. But I am always feeling like I'll be found out to have taken way longer than is justified. This is a core issue in my procrastination: I am afraid of TAKING TIME to do things, and I'm sure I take too long, so I never start because the minute I do, I'll be taking too much time. How powerless is that? I am afraid to take time to do things, so I take time by NOT doing them, lol! Methinks I need a Power Greater to restore me to sanity....)
WEBINAR PREP, 24 slides, template provided, talking points for SMEs, full scripting for client and team, verifying links: 12 HOURS
WEBINAR DELIVERY including rehearsals, pre-calls, thanks yous and post mortems: 3 HOURS
WEBINAR FOLLOW-UP tracking, posting and noticing the recording, transcripts, other follow-up action items: 2 HOURS
LIVE MEETING SET-UP, verifying attendees, pasting addresses, deciding meeting options, writing descriptions, formatting, saving, sending: 1 HOUR
SITE VISIT REPORT, typing up handnotes, entering contacts, completing form, distilling and editing final narrative: 8 HOURS
BOOKING TRAVEL, finding flights, decent hotel, car rental, mapping local routes, confirming with travel contacts: 1.5 HOURS
to be continued
- Login to post comments
Reminder to self re: praise after panic...
Just because I got away with it again and scored praise for getting that "job well done," doesn't make it OK to keep hurting myself this way. Those people didn't see my insane all-nighters, the screaming fits of frustration, the desperate anxiety clawing at my insides, the gut clenching despair at the look on J's face when he sees me like this again, the puzzled sighs of my AA/OA/AFG sponsors who don't understand this addiction, the gagging disgust with myself for being like this.
Attagirls are faint praise in light of what I'm doing to the life my HP gave me.
I have to remember the terrible beating I take from all that adrenaline on my physical, mental and spiritual condition. I must be rigorously honest with myself that it is getting progressively worse and never better. My alleged payoffs are fewer and further between. And they are ridiculously flimsy when compared to the acute episodes of pitiful and incomrehensible demoralization, where I'm banging my head against the desk cursing and wondering how the heck I got so slammed again.
"My boundaries enclose a pleasant land." Psalm 16
Thank you Agnus!
I so relate to this! You have really described the craziness of this very well.
As a consultant, I tend to live in fear that my major client will look at what they have paid me relative to what I have achieved and denounce me as a fraud. Yet I try to be very scrupulous with the hours I actually bill.
Not only that, if a job takes longer than the hours I have quoted for I tend to feel like a terrible failure i.e. not smart and efficient as I imagine others to be.