not doing so well
I am not doing too well...Wednesday, thursday and friday though have been really really hard for me.. It came on so unexpectedly too, as I did pretty good tuesday getting things done..I guess after escaping a little, then a little more, the negative talk started building and before I know it Im stuck in bed not answering phone calls, trying to avoid people as well as the reality of my behavior and the situation...I did a lot more than just procrastinate, I went into a very disctructive, self-sabbatoge mode.. I havent gotten out of bed the past three days, Ive lied over the phone to others saying "oh ive just been trying to get a few things done around the house" when it was 330 and i hadnt made it out of bed yet..I told my friend that instead of meeting her at the gym that I'd just go later on my own, which i never planned to...then I went and ate a whole thing of icing i found in the cuboard Wednesday..im ashamed of my behavior....Ive ignored my emails about job openings (im looking for a job at the moment) and the only time i have been out of the house was tonight to go to taco bell..I almost cried while driving there tonight..i hid it in the trashcan, the wrappers and the icing container, and even put the coke i got at taco bell into another cup, bc i cant look at it..I havent stepped foot into the shower...
ugh, so miserable these feelings..shame, guilt, embarrassment...Its so tricky to fix these things to bc I am doing this to myself..my thoughts are not only fighting against this behavior but are also making this behavior happen...Its the worst feeling too when you feel you arent in control..i feel so powerless right now and I prolly need a good cry(now i am crying..i need it though)... Im just upset all around about it all..i hate this so much....
im really anxious about tomorrow...im not feeling good, but im gonna think about it though and really try to picture me following though on a few things for tomorrow..i know it will make me feel better...
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Thinking of you
Hi Kate. I don't know if I can add to MammaCat's comment, but I'm also thinking of you and sending love. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing kate26
Starting to be honest about our problem is the first step.
I value and honor your courage to be so frank, even here - being able to do so at ALL, in any venue, is soooooo essential to recovery.
The very first, key steps to moving forward are being honest, and admitting we have a problem. That our lives have become unmanageable.
I hear you, sister. I recognize your struggle. I share it.
Keep coming back. Recovery is possible. Loving yourself, and your life - that is all possible. Just keep coming back, and you will get there.
Feel free to e-mail me. If you'd like, I'm more than happy to exchange phone numbers privately. If not - that's totally cool, too. No pressure. Whatever would actually best support you.
Just giving you the option. :)
Be well today. I'll be thinking of, and praying for, you.
"[People] need to be connected to each other. Courage comes out of relationship; it doesn’t come out of willpower." Peter Block, author of Servant Leadership: Choosing Service Over Self-Interest.
Thank you moma cat :)
I appreciate it so much. Thank you for your prayers and kind words and for your insight. It has gotten me through this weekend knowing that there are you guys who are here to support me and one another. I did alot of journaling and I feel present and ready to face the week ahead. Im currently planning the next few days too so that things are broken down and will help take some of this anxiety away.
Thank you again for your support and I might email you sometime...I need to start working the program for I dont spend enough time using the tools that gets me out of these same cycles and into a more productive and healthier lifestyle..
I hope you have a wonderful week :)