Breaking the cycle...

Hello. I've been a member of the site since early summer, and sporadically done check-ins (which are quite helpful, when I do them ;-)). Right now I'm thinking about the relationship between depression and procrastination, and how I use them to excuse one another.

 My husband, bless him, has been privy to much wailing and many tears when I find myself, once again, buried in broken promises and missed deadlines. During the latest episode we discussed me going back on my antidepressant medication, which I had been seriously considering over the past month or so due to holiday blues, a sick cat, and my general "lack of interest or pleasure in doing things" (how textbook can you get, eh?). 

So, he's on his way home from the pharmacy with said drugs in tow and I am feeling SO resistant! There is this voice... "You are only depressed because you procrastinate. Stop procrastinating and you'll feel better." I'm also into holistic healing, so there's a part of me that just thinks I need to get more exercise, or more fish oil, or something, and stay away from pharmaceuticals.

But the truth is? I am quite certain that, in my case, depression and procrastination are very closely related. The are tools I use to avoid life. To avoid messing up. To have an excuse when I miss a deadline. To have an excuse for not engaging emotionally with friends and family.

I know depression isn't a choice. But choosing not to treat it, or not explore it in therapy? Letting myself stay sick because I am afraid of failure? Because I am afraid of giving anything my 100% effort? That is a choice. Choosing to blame my procrastination on my depression, and my depression on my procrastination while avoiding responsibility for either? That is also a choice.

 As far as I am concerned, any step is a positive step at this point. I am choosing to focus on that, and not worry about making the perfect right step. Trial and error...here I come!