Feeling hopeless again. I want to give up this morning!
This is long. I apologize.
My housing manager came back for an inspection today. I'd - naturally - been procrastinating about cleaning my house. Although I've been doing better with the more visible areas, I couldn't seem to make myself tackle the corners and back rooms. So she came back through today and I guess I thought she'd notice the areas I'd been doing better in. Baby steps, right? But I did have clutter near the furnace, which she pointed out as a fire hazard.
She also asked about the trash in my garage. I'd forgotten to pay my trash bill a few months back and, as a result, I'm still trying to catch up on getting all my trash taken away. More of it is gone from last time but apparently it wasn't visibly better. I felt so depressed when she pointed out the trash and said, "Since we talked about it last time I thought you would have taken care of that." And I AM taking care of it. I got on automatic payments with the trash bill so it won't happen again, and I stuffed my trash bin full on trash day. But maybe I should have done something else I didn't think of.
So now I feel utterly judged and hopeless. I feel like one of those people you see on TV, and I feel like an authority figure is breathing down my neck. I own my part in this but I feel like I need a little more acknowledgment of the steps in the right direction that I'm taking. I dunno. She was absolutely right in everything she said but now I'm fighting not only my task avoidance but my passive resistance to authority. My homework was to clean the area around the furnace as soon as she left, which I started, but now my toe is throbbing (I sprained it earlier this week) and I came here to vent and rest my foot and cry.
I disgust myself. In times of crisis I'm a superhero, but when everything is calm I go dormant. When I was in a marriage that felt unsafe and scary, it seemed like I could hold the whole world together. I got all the praise and appreciation from outsiders that I could handle. Now my housing manager has a look in her eye that says I'm one of "those"people (whether she really does or I'm imagining it) and I've been acting weird in a couple new friendships which no doubt makes them think there's something wrong with me, rather than realize that before all this calm got here, I was actually a pretty amazing person.
I didn't even realize I was like this until the calm hit. I thought once I got out of that marriage and moved on that I would be an even MORE amazing person. Ha! I've been taking this disappointment pretty hard.
I still have to finish cleaning around the furnace. Then I have to get ready for work. Then I have to go to work. I don't feel like any of these things are possible.