My name's Ian; I'm a newcomer here.
I'm a recovering addict. I came to the Steps in programs that deal with out-of-control self-medicating; I've compulsively sought oblivion through various means for most of my life. I'm at a point now, nearly a decade since I started going to meetings, where I'm mostly on the path; I've had a couple relapses in the last three years but life's a lot different, and better, than it used to be. I'm beginning to do a lot more work on the underlying malaise that never stops telling me that oblivion is about the best I can hope for.
Procrastination has always been one of the ways that malaise manifests. Perfectionism is another. I've begun attending meetings and doing stepwork in Workaholics Anonymous — I've always vacillated between intense productivity and compulsive avoidance of all work, goals, dreams, obligations, commitments, etc., and WA seems to have plenty of room for both sides of the coin. Lots of literature about "work avoidance," "work anorexia," "time debting," etc., in addition to stuff about what most of us would think of on hearing the term workaholic. In either mode, I've got tunnel vision and can't imagine I have any value aside from what others think of me. Particularly with respect to my intellect and professional abilities. I've had a few periods when I've been riding high, thinking (delusionally) that I'm the smartest guy in the room; far more often, I've been crippled by fear of criticism, pathological inability to meet deadlines, and generally poor productivity. Lately, it's been plain to me that, pretty much as long as I can remember, I basically haven't allowed myself to dream — to have real aspirations, a sense of who I want to be and things I want to do "when I grow up" (I'm 44, chrissakes) — because I'm so sure that I'll screw up anything and everything I touch.
Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure I'll fit right in here. I'm really working at releasing my death-grip on "living in the problem" in favor of putting one foot in front of the other and "living the solution," and I'm hoping I'll find some daily support and guidance in this community. Thank you all for being here!