My name's Ian; I'm a newcomer here.
I'm a recovering addict. I came to the Steps in programs that deal with out-of-control self-medicating; I've compulsively sought oblivion through various means for most of my life. I'm at a point now, nearly a decade since I started going to meetings, where I'm mostly on the path; I've had a couple relapses in the last three years but life's a lot different, and better, than it used to be. I'm beginning to do a lot more work on the underlying malaise that never stops telling me that oblivion is about the best I can hope for.
Procrastination has always been one of the ways that malaise manifests. Perfectionism is another. I've begun attending meetings and doing stepwork in Workaholics Anonymous — I've always vacillated between intense productivity and compulsive avoidance of all work, goals, dreams, obligations, commitments, etc., and WA seems to have plenty of room for both sides of the coin. Lots of literature about "work avoidance," "work anorexia," "time debting," etc., in addition to stuff about what most of us would think of on hearing the term workaholic. In either mode, I've got tunnel vision and can't imagine I have any value aside from what others think of me. Particularly with respect to my intellect and professional abilities. I've had a few periods when I've been riding high, thinking (delusionally) that I'm the smartest guy in the room; far more often, I've been crippled by fear of criticism, pathological inability to meet deadlines, and generally poor productivity. Lately, it's been plain to me that, pretty much as long as I can remember, I basically haven't allowed myself to dream — to have real aspirations, a sense of who I want to be and things I want to do "when I grow up" (I'm 44, chrissakes) — because I'm so sure that I'll screw up anything and everything I touch.
Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure I'll fit right in here. I'm really working at releasing my death-grip on "living in the problem" in favor of putting one foot in front of the other and "living the solution," and I'm hoping I'll find some daily support and guidance in this community. Thank you all for being here!
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Appreciate you all taking
Appreciate you all taking time to welcome me!
I'll definitely look in on the chatbox and a.m. bridge meetings. I can't break the grip of negative, fearful patterns by myself; I need to drag my ass forth and ask for help — these sound like places where I might find some o' that.
Not a particularly brilliant day today. I was looking forward to beginning my day with exercise, but had to drop that plan to care for my two-year-old son, who wasn't feeling well. Didn't get much done — frankly, I didn't react very well to having to change my plans, and I stayed in vagueness. I know better — I know that a sudden shift like that is a caution to get out of my own will, that I have to connect to another addict on the phone, do some prayer, take a spot inventory of any resentment/fear/wrongheadedness that's brewing, etc. I didn't, though, and that's it's own kind of learning opportunity. Off to inventory that decision to NOT get connected, and then I'll see what's in the cards for tonight.
Welcome , your intro was so well put and describes many of our stories. Keep coming back. Vic
Thank you for so beautifully expressing the search for "oblivion" in both work and procrastination. This is something I really related to in reading your introduction, and something that PA is helps me overcome every day.
Please don't hesitate to ask for assistance in navigating the many wonderful tools here.
Keep coming back, and welcome!
You are in good company: keep coming. I find the chatroom is a wonderful place to begin working the tools alongside others. The phone bridge meetings that happen at 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning Eastern Standard Time are particularly good places to find fellowship. There is recovery to be found, one day at a time, one task at a time.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal