Have to throw clothes on and leave for work.
Been in avoidance/panic mode for almost 24 hours now. Sometimes, when I get triggered the right way, my sick thinking latches onto examples of how I haven't measured up, and refuses to let them go.
That sick part of me uses these examples as evidence that action isn't fruitful and is, in fact, a bad idea. That part of me says, "See, you did this - and" (when it doesn't work out) "see what THAT got you! Hunh, see? You should have known better!"
Like, the breakdowns that occur in my life are my fault and if I just hadn't tried to do "that" (whatever "that" was), then things wouldn't have gone badly in the first place and, really now - shouldn't I just know better by NOW?
I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. If I'm actually able to articulate it so that other people can actually understand the experience I'm describing. It's a familiar reaction I'm having, originating from young, childhood experiences where I'd get yelled at for doing something that wasn't appreciated.
I don't know if what I'm saying is making sense to anyone. I just know that I am really, really hooked. I cannot seem to let this go. I keep circling around the same issue, again and again, like my foot is nailed to the floor. My husband commented on the circular nature of my conversations around it.
I need help with this. I'm stuck in the deep maze of my own twisted neuronal pathways and can't seem to find a way to stop the ride. Somebody, shut this thing off. Good L-rd.
Perhaps praying will help.
Thanks for listening - MC