haven't been there haven't done that
Good Evening....I'm spose to be doing a bucket load of work. Taxes, writing, you name it. But here I am. Because I'm at the end of my road. I finally got tired of playing solitaire when I got derailed by my own procrastination. The art of stalling, alibis, excuses....
I wear two hats: one as business owner. One as writer. I do both part time. (or not at all....)
Anyway...here's my untold story: Hat #1: Hard hat. Very hard. I have been self-employed for over 30 years. I handle all the accounting, books and admin. for our very small family business. Spouse handles sales aspects. I read another post here and found that I have a similar problem: I have tons of work that has to be done that matters to no one but my accountant or the government agencies that collect taxes. It's boring, tedious and although I used to be great at it, I absolutely detest it now....but it still needs to be done.
It was great while I was raising a family and I always took pride in my work. But something happened. Don't know exactly when. But I am a perfectionist, though, and I tend to put off (procrastinate) until I have the time, energy or desire to do things....perfect. When I was younger, I found that energy and strength. And I loved the sense of order when raising a family.
Hat #2: Meantime, I became a writer on the side. Took courses, etc. Chose a baseball hat for this job. Loved the school part and was an excellent student. Didn't procrastinate. I have done fairly well, nothing great, but the rejection and competition made me back down more. Then I got defensive about writing. Now I dread writing. Or getting the rejection letters. Can't decide which it is. Maybe it's both or maybe I'm just burned out on it. I write for months on end, nobody sees the work. sit alone in a room, hoping tat it will work out. I feel very vulnerable about my writing right now....
I've always been goal oriented. Did the Tony Robbins schtick. Always kept up on the latest motivational, inspirational stuff. And I always worked with fear as part of my motivation. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of tax audits, etc. Now, I just have this "I don't care" attitude. And that scares me. I have failed. And I kept getting back up. But now, I don't care if I fail. I've lived a full life. My kids are grown.
I also have medical issues in our family. And when serious issues recur, I just don't care about anything else. Just worried about keeping people alive. I used meds for about 5 years when the family medical issues got serious. My procrastination got worse but I never stressed about it. Meds can be a good thing or a bad thing, huh? My life was spinning out of control but I was the easiest person to be around.
I finally got off the darn meds a couple months ago. Then all the procrastination these past 5 years reared its ugly head. The last 5 years, I was either a zombie or the happiest person on the planet. Now I'm just a grumpy procrastinator. Trying to figure out how to dig myself out of this mess. And restart my engine.
The business can keep going with the sales and even with the day to day books, but the big stuff is not getting done on a timely basis. So of course, I feel ashamed, loss of self-respect. And also....filled with doubt. I'm beginning to wonder if I can still do it, feeling the way I do.
I also read another post that I can relate to: I've been self-employed for so long that I have an independent streak. And....I have a short fuse, patience, whatever when it comes to co-workers or team efforts. I demand excellent customer service from the vendors, anybody who gets my money.
I do know that if and when I stop procrastinating, I will feel better about myself than any drug or red wine can make me feel. (well, maybe not the red wine...) :) :) :)
Overwhelmed and sad. I may be on the wrong website. But it's a start, isn't it?
Thanks for listening...