Friday 11 September 2009

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

By 4:11am I will have three days of sobreity from bottomlines, but it's not enough just NOT to do somethng.

OTOH, i"ve reconsidered the whole feeling I had toward myself about cancelling my meet-up with  guy from the dating site.  I don't think it was a bad choice.  I think it was fine.  If I'm busy right now, it was the right thing to do.  And I was feeling choked because of getting over-involved with the dating site.  I just don't really feel like I make progress, when I do these 30 days off, unless I am using it in order to make "Tomorrow different forever..." etc.  But these things must be done in small steps, sometimes, it takes many steps to make "tomorrow different forever."  These things don't happen in one night and that is one of the things I've learned to expect from my life from being in this program...  That is, I cannot change the world, but I can take ONE do-able action toward my destiny, whatever the fuck that is, right here, right now.  A sort of come-as-you-are principle has helped me.  I've once again been adopting a principle in my own life, which I refer to as the "Minding my own business," principle.  If I'm minding my own business, then I am more productive in my own life instead of trying to make progress for or with or around other people which is not successful for me, unless I am being paid to do it, i.e. if I'm working as an instructor, etc.  But that's not what this program is about for me-- this is about getting over MYSELF, getting over my own reasons for not doing things.  To cease thinking about why or how or what and actually do it. The moment of action does not require thought.  It is absent of thought.  Decisions are actions; therefore the end conclusion does not proceed from thought, but from rational action.  Decision is a mode of being for me, and not a thought.

And since a decision is a mode of being or an action that I can act on for me, this makes sense that I've often been indecisive.

****

Today I went to a job interview.  I don't know what they thought of me, I was glad I got the opportunity to be there and to learn interview questions from people, and I was glad I got the advice that I did, which I would know anyways, normally but as I told them, I don't have time for taking a db class now, as I'm studyin, looking for work and funding right now.

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I have two days in the bag (since September 9th) for the following bottomlines:

• No youtube, no youtube watch network, no youtube on other sites whenever I can avoid it, no ustream, no blogtv
• no fan lines, especially saynow.com
• No facebook
• no okcupid or other dating sites, including jdate or Plenty of Fish
• No contacting men I find attractive on Myspace
• No
  Internet chat that is not twelve-step or for work purposes.  When I
  think about doing this with someone I need to come back to my personal
  objectives. 
• No public blogging on livejournal or blogspot and other such sites, but I can use blogger for private journalling, if necessary.

And I'm committing to the following toplines:

breakfast

thirty minutes of exercise{running, swimming, yoga, dance, ballet, tap, karate, walking, jogging}

a daily assessment of my goals and affirmations

brushing my teeth and using listerine in the morning

brushing, using floss , listerine and a periodontic brush at night

Hi all,

I am hoping to get a little more done.  I just got a set back today as a late report is going to cause me some issues at work.  I actually just did it last night-thanks to this sites help, but I was too late.  My input is supposed to be included in the final document; however, end product will now show it is missing.  It is embarrassing to be this way and I feel like I am back in grade school and about to be reprimanded for failing.

On a positive note, my son was well prepared for his first day of school, and we arrived on time.  I am needing to include quality time with him as part of my to do list.  I realize how much I am even putting this off and he means more to me than any of this other stuff.

1.  practice violin w/ z.

2. read a book w/ z

3.  take z to visit a friend

4.  finish 1 report

5.  make a snack w/ z

6.  load of wash

7.  Lay out clothes for work

8.  devise tx plans for tomorrow

9. write up outstanding daily notes

10 water flower boxes

11.  take a shower

12 drop check at cms

 Project WW

Project M-09

Project P-11

Project U

~~

Want what you have. Be who you are. Do what you can. ~Forrest Church

The Hero's Code:

Show Up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.

Today so far I've packed for retreat and written my speech.

Scheduled: leave for retreat 4:15

MITs for today are:
*Read about RT-PCR (working on this now)
*Ask MG about mice
*Choose response genes, ask others in lab how to design/order primers
*Sign up for poster printing
*Finish getting +/- samples

Other tasks:
*Figure out how to validate RT-PCR primers (working on this now)
*Prelim list of 10 committee members
*Get protocols for RT-PCR, RNA extraction
(will do this soon)
*Set up mice
*design and order primers

Right now, I'm going to see if I can find MG, then I'll ask around about how to design/order primers.  

Yesterday was good day for getting things done, second day in a row yeah.  I had a major frustration the roommate never showed up, after calling he found another place (probably cheaper) and today I am dealing with the dissappointment of an unmet expection-getting a small influx of much needed cash.  Needless to say the time I spent in preparation for his arrival and backing out of his verbal committment to take the space were energy draining but that having been said I can't stay here must move forward.

Edge I loved your tag action is the clear cure for anxiety I really needed that this morning.  So for my list....

• bring forward unfinished tasks from yesterday
• meeting at 12pm need to leave by 11am, in order to be successful with this i am resolved not just to show up but to show up early and prepared to network aggressively
• pack brochures, cards, condensed version of business plan, write out questions
• client appt after that hopefully immediately ask for the close
• shower
• dress
• breakfast
• followup on contract
• followup with lender
• do my numbers
• put plants in the ground
• call mer/ur
• followup with new lead
• call to drop report while downtown
• taxes God help me with that

Spirit

Showing up (done)  The pain of yesterday, dealing with unresonable people does not feel as bad today. I realize I am making work for them and they probably already are busy,but it didn't have to be this way. If they would have answered my questions in March and June with a phone call, we would not be here.Now I am the "joke" or "hated". This seems to be a pattern for me. I start to resolve a issue, then I back off, then when I get to it I deal with the sick anxiety in my stomach and feelings of fear, guilt, confusion, and start to blame myself and seem to end up in the position of the guilty one. Then  75% of the time I drop it, thinking one day I will get back to it, and always carrying it in my head, and the other 25% I either get resoved, or HP shows me another way.

I don't know how to change this but awareness is the 1st step. The 2nd step is the procrastination step and that is the one I am powerless over.

Task, look and write in my wk calender. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Recovering human