Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Tuesday, July 7 2009

Each day I pray for the courage to begin...don't get carried away thinking about how to start, just start, in whatever way you know how.



Think less, do more.


fudo_shin: powerlessness - 1:08am (Wed)

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 


I have done a first step for this addiction somewhere.  But I already know AGAIN that I feel totally powerless.  And my HP knows I need this program more than anything.

fudo_shin: on meant-to-be really not meant to be (8:45pm)

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 


Suddenly had a dark thought. I saw a movie to try to reward myself for doing the first half of the items on my daily list which is totally long.  It was a film I did want to see.  Actually liked it still, seeing it the second time around.  I really am a hopeless romantic.

Anyways, I made a realization that I want to share that I want to hit home to myself.  This may help me in my other 12 step program: I don't believe in meant-to-be.  I don't believe in soulmates.  I don't believe in fate.  I simply believe that people can people who are compatible with them, and that these are what some would term soulmates.  I just believe that I take the best of possible options at the time, and that I learn how to make better decisions as I go.  I don't believe anything is predetermined.  When I go into pity party and I berate myself that I'm ugly or unattractive or will always be single or will always have to pursue my dates instead of being pursued myself, I directly negate my usual mentality.  If I really felt that there's no such thing as meant to be, then there cannot be any prescribed routine for the course of events.  That means that *I* as well am not meant to be any particular way.  I can be as attractive or unattractive as I am at any given time.  Changes are possible.  I myself have to recognize myself as a vessel of change.  I am not meant to be anything--that being the case-- that being my belief, that I am what I wish to be, that I do what I wish to do, a few side circumstances making an influence from time to time, but mostly to my favor or desire-- then I cannot subscribe to the belief that I am meant to be unattractive to those I find attractive.  There is no room for a rational exception that I am meant to be doomed or damned.  I cannot have it both ways.  Either it's meant to be or it's not meant to be.  And if nothingis meant to be, as I subscribe, then I can change, and I *can* be attractive, and I cannot claim I'll always be single, I could very well be double.  Because if I'm not *meant to be* something, then the pity part logic doesn't work.  Not that it was altogether sound thinking to begin with.   It was more like delusional thinking based on fear or addiction.  My procrastinatory addiction.

I went to a UA meeting today.  I don't know if I agree with their concept of no credit cards.  Because that's not my goal.  I don't have credit cards, and I never have.   I have had damaged credit since before I were 18.  My father used my name fraudulently, then my mother put cards in my name, unbeknownst to me, and used them.  I cannot credit now, because of my student loans, and because of lack of credit history in the past.  (I have since cleared out all record of my parents, as fraud, and the credit bureau-- at least the three I have spoken of, have cleared me-- in that regard.  But it was many years ago.)   I want to build my credit.  Not devalue it by never using a credit card.   The reason for this is to be able to buy a car for cheaper and buy a house for cheaper, and to be able to pay for student loans.  Becasue as anyone knows who has been to grad school, a fellowship is not easy to come by.    Several folks I met at DA said they wanted to save up money to buy a house, but to me that seems like an actual waste of money.  It might be good if you have a serious spending problem but for me, it's a waste of money, because then I'd be paying rent someplace, while I were collecting a savings for a house, when buying a house at a certain time with a fixed loan rate, may actually be advantageous.  Money is a matter of numbers for me.

UA may be more up my alley, because my problem is more like "Not having the job, to have the money.  Or not pursuing things, or being shy," not crazy spending.    But again, they seem to have a condition of solvency: keeping away from credit card spending.  And credit card spending is not evil.  It's not paying off bills that's a problem.  It's not paying off the credit cards that's the problem; and that's not my problem.  My problem is getting money.  Being laid off.  And using time unwisely.  Hence procrastinator's anonymous.  One of the characteristics of UA people is time-underearning: not spending time wisely-- procrastinating-  Anyways, it just upsets me.  Because I feel like there are certain parts of the program that I like and need, but there is one major part that I don't and that's the crazy spending thing.  Cuz, while I may not be perfect, I really don't think credit cards are an issue for me.  Namely because I cannot get any and have been like a person who *has declared bankruptcy* ALL of my life.  Not because I have, but because I have never HAD money. 

People in these programs (DA and UA) have talked about people getting a scholarship to go to school for three terms.  Well, that's all well and fine for you folks, but it certainly doesn't help me, as a person who doesn't qualify for a grant to fund my entire education.  The truth about these scholarships is that they're few and far between, and that a person can get a better job with a degree and pay off the student loans in less time than it would take to simply work through school.  And it's the truth.  So it's really bugging me that there are some folks at both programs who've been just convicted that I need to pursue a loan-less education.  It's just not possible, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable in a program where people are constantly talking about credit card debt, when what I'm trying to do is get credit good enough to be credit-worthy.

fudo shin - remedy the 12 step programs (9:14pm)

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 



I'm clearly trying to remedy the twelve step program with my way of thinking, or what works for me.  As I recall, I don't have a bottomline regarding MB in my SLAA program.  Some people do.  Some men consider themselves unsober, if they mb in SLAA.  So it's quite possible that I can make my own definitions of things.  But I've found far more open-minded people in SLAA than I have in DA or UA.  The majority of people I've met in those two programs seem to subscribe to the idea that ANY form of debt, even if it's for a worthwhile cause or venture, like education is still just as bad as debting for an acrylic winter coat.  

And I think that type of thinking is fucked up.  Bottomlines have to be personal.  They have to be directed to the individual.  If you're the type of person who takes a student loan and buys an unnecessary item with it, instead of enrolling in school (which is impossible, since student loans go straight through to the university most the time, especially the ones I qualify for), then I could understand.  But I don't thnk that we, or rather, *I* need to regard debting in general as symptomatic of addictive or destructive behavior.  Sometimes, education is a way out.  I know a friend, who is going back to school.  And she only gets to do that cuz she has a federal loan to continue her education.  She couldn't find a job and she looked for a job.  I think that criticizing that behavior is bogus.  And I'd really rather have a 12 step program where people learn to be responsible with money that does not include complete abstinence from debting.

Someone I know with many years of DA experience was priding herself that she bought a car using a friend's loan money and then declared that she was still free of unsecured debt.  But--- a friend's loan is just as bad if not worse than a credit company, in my opinion.  So it's still a loan.  And it's not secured debt.   So I think that this requirement is a bit bogus.  I think there's a big difference between learning how to be responsible with money or making wise financial choices, than arresting all debting or claiming to just to fit into the nary guidelines of no credit-card spending, when you happen to be using loans from friends, which is just the same thing, as far as I'm concerned (if not worse.)

So apparently this  12 step meeting was very triggersome for me.  Apparently I need to either start my own program.  Or, try another-- different UA meeting first before, giving up.  

ci do it now tues 5:27


call  frd, M DONE

find pp's, pd, updte nj ny txs

Project: syllabus for A1


byGodsGrace todays CI

no internet most of day then when i got it i had to catch up on email things, etc which leads me to this very late CI today!

A good day overall - still much to do though...

finish jobCH design, laundry

 Done is better than perfect. Scott Allen

Babarino CI 9:26 am 7.7.09

Just making committment to prioritize and remake to-do list, then get started on it. Love the guy sitting on the toolbox in the the starter. That's what I feel I look like sometimes when I can't figure out what to do! :)

How Did You Know?

"Each day I pray for the courage to begin...don't get carried away thinking about how to start, just start, in whatever way you know how"

Think less, do more.

Perfect check in for me.

I did have a productive and wonderful weekeend, now to keep going, in whatever way I know how.!!

Thank you, Vic

Procrastination log

Thank goodness for my procratination log. I feel like I did not do anything. But when I write the things I did do, it helps with the feelings.

Another feeling I get is, if something is not DON E, I feel like I didn't do anything.

Focus seems to be my biggest problem. When my friend said she and the kids were coming up, In one day, I cleaned, hung pictures,decluttered, etc. -etc. I was amazed at how much I got done. She came out late, but I didn't want to call her to see if she was going to cancel because I was using her visit as a focus/ clean tool.

In my procraination log, I see that the reason I am late with bills, is when I am late, I am focused enough to make myself do it.

We are going on vacation aug 8- I still did not get plane tickets. Now I am starting to get that sick panicky feeling and need to do it.

I have been doing alot of emotional work and step work and really have been adressing issues with myself and family that I could not bring myself to address for years with my husband. There was progress and I was amazed I had the courage and support to do this, but my head says, "Your not doing anything, just wasting time, blah,blah,blah....ok whatever.

Thanks for letting me share.

Journey 9 am

Working from home today, I skipped the gym this morning because it's weight training day and I'm nursing a minor injury from helping my daughter move . . .anyway I guess I got my weight lifting done by carrying boxes all day lol.  But I walked on the treadmill instead.   I'm still sitting here in my gym clothes though, and surfing instead of getting to work!  I could easily have started work at 8 instead of 9, but oh well, I did not.   I did get some quality online shopping done, though, an item I've been wishing for just went on sale!

Anyway, I'm going to put on the coffee and make my work todo list now.  later! 



"The elevator to success is out of order.   You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard

Journey 5:30 /me facepalms

Thanks for the great threadstarter, Fudo_Shin.   Now, why didn't I pay attention to it!?

Bad, bad morning - I kept TRYING to work but everytime I tried to focus . .. oooh, look, shiny! 

I finally came to my senses around 2 pm and then scrambled around trying to make up for lost time.  I know I'm struggling because I'm starting a new project . . .

but still . . 

well, later

"The elevator to success is out of order.   You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard

kromer 8:55 CI

Today is mostly meetings, and i want to make sure I'm as well-prepared as possible for mtg w/ DP at 3. I want to
*Make slide on idea
*Make slide on prelim analysis

Then I want to take a few minutes and plan out more complete agenda for mtg.

1st mtg is at 10, before then I want to finish slide on prelim. analysis 

kromer 2:45 CI

Day is going pretty well...I've planned out agenda for mtg and made slides.

I've also made a tentative schedule for the week

I'm going to take 15 min to have a snack and start researching meiotic blocks, then I'll go to mtg, then I'll take notes afterwards, adjust my schedule/goals for the week based on that mtg, and check back in.  

kromer 5:40 CI

Yay! The meeting went really well! My advisor was very happy with my ideas, and I have a lot of interesting things to work on. I took good notes from the mtg, and spend some time thinking about what we'd talked about/what it makes most sense to work on next. Then, I updated my schedule for the week.

I've been thinking pretty hard for the last few hours, so now I'm a bit fried. I'm going to work for 15 more min (start looking at overall trends in stages data), then take the rest of the evening to relax/do chores (will have dinner, call a friend or two, go to square/round dancing, get stuff out of EF's lab, unpack, do laundry).

fudo shin - action items (2:27am)

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 



  • Call in to the UA phone meeting.
  • jog/walk plan


chick CI

great starter, thanks for it.


errands 1/2