Tuesday, July 7 2009

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

Suddenly had a dark thought. I saw a movie to try to reward myself for doing the first half of the items on my daily list which is totally long.  It was a film I did want to see.  Actually liked it still, seeing it the second time around.  I really am a hopeless romantic.

Anyways, I made a realization that I want to share that I want to hit home to myself.  This may help me in my other 12 step program: I don't believe in meant-to-be.  I don't believe in soulmates.  I don't believe in fate.  I simply believe that people can people who are compatible with them, and that these are what some would term soulmates.  I just believe that I take the best of possible options at the time, and that I learn how to make better decisions as I go.  I don't believe anything is predetermined.  When I go into pity party and I berate myself that I'm ugly or unattractive or will always be single or will always have to pursue my dates instead of being pursued myself, I directly negate my usual mentality.  If I really felt that there's no such thing as meant to be, then there cannot be any prescribed routine for the course of events.  That means that *I* as well am not meant to be any particular way.  I can be as attractive or unattractive as I am at any given time.  Changes are possible.  I myself have to recognize myself as a vessel of change.  I am not meant to be anything--that being the case-- that being my belief, that I am what I wish to be, that I do what I wish to do, a few side circumstances making an influence from time to time, but mostly to my favor or desire-- then I cannot subscribe to the belief that I am meant to be unattractive to those I find attractive.  There is no room for a rational exception that I am meant to be doomed or damned.  I cannot have it both ways.  Either it's meant to be or it's not meant to be.  And if nothingis meant to be, as I subscribe, then I can change, and I *can* be attractive, and I cannot claim I'll always be single, I could very well be double.  Because if I'm not *meant to be* something, then the pity part logic doesn't work.  Not that it was altogether sound thinking to begin with.   It was more like delusional thinking based on fear or addiction.  My procrastinatory addiction.

I went to a UA meeting today.  I don't know if I agree with their concept of no credit cards.  Because that's not my goal.  I don't have credit cards, and I never have.   I have had damaged credit since before I were 18.  My father used my name fraudulently, then my mother put cards in my name, unbeknownst to me, and used them.  I cannot credit now, because of my student loans, and because of lack of credit history in the past.  (I have since cleared out all record of my parents, as fraud, and the credit bureau-- at least the three I have spoken of, have cleared me-- in that regard.  But it was many years ago.)   I want to build my credit.  Not devalue it by never using a credit card.   The reason for this is to be able to buy a car for cheaper and buy a house for cheaper, and to be able to pay for student loans.  Becasue as anyone knows who has been to grad school, a fellowship is not easy to come by.    Several folks I met at DA said they wanted to save up money to buy a house, but to me that seems like an actual waste of money.  It might be good if you have a serious spending problem but for me, it's a waste of money, because then I'd be paying rent someplace, while I were collecting a savings for a house, when buying a house at a certain time with a fixed loan rate, may actually be advantageous.  Money is a matter of numbers for me.

UA may be more up my alley, because my problem is more like "Not having the job, to have the money.  Or not pursuing things, or being shy," not crazy spending.    But again, they seem to have a condition of solvency: keeping away from credit card spending.  And credit card spending is not evil.  It's not paying off bills that's a problem.  It's not paying off the credit cards that's the problem; and that's not my problem.  My problem is getting money.  Being laid off.  And using time unwisely.  Hence procrastinator's anonymous.  One of the characteristics of UA people is time-underearning: not spending time wisely-- procrastinating-  Anyways, it just upsets me.  Because I feel like there are certain parts of the program that I like and need, but there is one major part that I don't and that's the crazy spending thing.  Cuz, while I may not be perfect, I really don't think credit cards are an issue for me.  Namely because I cannot get any and have been like a person who *has declared bankruptcy* ALL of my life.  Not because I have, but because I have never HAD money. 

People in these programs (DA and UA) have talked about people getting a scholarship to go to school for three terms.  Well, that's all well and fine for you folks, but it certainly doesn't help me, as a person who doesn't qualify for a grant to fund my entire education.  The truth about these scholarships is that they're few and far between, and that a person can get a better job with a degree and pay off the student loans in less time than it would take to simply work through school.  And it's the truth.  So it's really bugging me that there are some folks at both programs who've been just convicted that I need to pursue a loan-less education.  It's just not possible, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable in a program where people are constantly talking about credit card debt, when what I'm trying to do is get credit good enough to be credit-worthy.

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

• Call in to the UA phone meeting.
• jog/walk plan