Hello and an introduction
Hey everyone. I'm Tristan.
I feel like I've always had a problem with procrastination, but recently it seems that the Level 7 Procrastinator I've been operating at, has taken its toll. The level where deadlines lose all meaning, everything can be negotiated, made an excuse for (including the manifestation of psychosomatic symptoms), and flat-out ignored. What has happened is the distinct realization that this is not a sustainable "lifestyle"; that I cannot envision myself lasting like this for the rest of my life; that I am losing a great deal of respect for myself. I see how this has been making my life not my own, as I'm always playing catch up.
I have grown so tired of the way this pervades my life, is only spreading further like a virus, and is completely giving people the wrong impression of who I am and my qualities and values.
When I found this site and read the idea that procrastination is not a time management issue, but one of compulsive avoidance and an addiction to distraction, it clicked. I thought, "THAT'S IT: I am compulsively avoidant. I am addicted to distraction and escapism."
I have always been told that I just need to learn how to manage my time better, that I'm irresponsible, undependable, not ambitious enough, lazy, and even stupid. And, despite evidence to the contrary, I relunctantly believed that it must be true, or I wouldn't have such a problem just accomplishing such a broad range of manageable tasks, right? If I really am Those Things -- ambitious, hard-working, responsible, intelligent -- then why can't I get a grip on reading a book, paying my bills, catching a bus or getting to work on time? If I am Those Things, then why is this happening to me? After reflecting on this the past few days, I understand that I was right all along: I really am not lacking in Those Things, but that this compulsive behavior -- this addiction to escapism -- is suffocating Those Things.
So, I finally reached the breaking point with myself. While I may appear to "have [my] shit together" (as friends have said), in a fundamental way, my life is out of control. I am tired of feeling like so many things depend on everything going perfectly at the last possible minute; with no room to reflect, to change, or to breathe. I am tired of the excuses. I am tired of the lies. I am tired of all of the bullshit.
I have wasted much time, money, and energy. I have affected my reputation, my health, and my self-esteem. I have lost opportunities.
I am selling myself short. I am cheating myself out of a life of prosperity and accomplishment.
I have a behavior problem which is keeping me from being the superstar I know I can be. I am ready to evolve.