Paralyzedinparadise introduces herself
First I need to thank Agnus, who sent me just a short welcome back at the end of July. It wasn't until tonight that I was able to open it, and reading just that small warm curtesy made me feel like I was, in a very small way, cared about by someone. And I really needed that.
So here I am, and although I know my introduction picture will be far from complete, I'm gonna try my best to start to paint it.
My most critical problem is that I am unemployed and loosing financial ground fast. For the first time, I was fired from a job, and I have let the events leading up to my firing and how I've handled it since do a royal mind fuck on me. Thoughts and feelings that I have battled since include the following:
If I was fired for X, and A and B and C created and led to X, and A and B and C are still runnning my life, how can I expect to not fail, again?
How the hell to I address my having been fired in an interview?
There are so many others, but of course now that it is the time to articulate them, they've all flown from my mind. What a bizarre and rare form of relief...
I feel as though I have been deteriorating over time. One facet of that is that I have compromised some incredible qualities. I used to be regarded, by others as well as myself, as someone with a jolly and sharp sense of humor, and a captivating story teller. One of the reasons I changed was because I feared people didn't and wouldn't take me seriously. And some people didn't. What they didn't see was that that was my energy. That was what sparked me into microbursts (thanks, movingalong). That was my incredible attitude. That was my positivity. I was silly, but never in inappropriate ways or at inappropriate times. I kept groups of people moving and engaged, whether building houses as a volunteer or keeping classmates quick, pumped, on their toes and having fun while stomping out enormous group projects.
While it feels like my life right now is nothing but goals, this is one more: to, in these respects, get back to the person I once was. It helped keep depression at bay. I have the right to be happy, in My Own Way.
In a future posting, I will need to hammer out some flawlessly constant irrational thoughts of mine that work to make up the larger storm of self-abuse. It seems at this very moment that I am in its eye; these thoughts are oddly absent.
As I read more posts and make more posts, I ask that all members, if what I write speaks to you in any way and you have a moment, to let me know. I am especially interested in people's similar experiences and feeling and thought cycles. One thing that this group offers that I cannot ask of my friends is a place to be HONEST. Brutally, painfully honest. The worry that I would cause pain to those who know me is too much for me to bear. There are thoughts and feelings that I NEED to talk about, to confess, to get off my chest without causing pain to those I care about. I want and need to use this as an outlet to do that.
Thanks to everyone for being here and throwing what you've got and what's going on with you into the mix. Your experiences have already helped me: I just wrote a full post!