Financial insecurity

I would welcome others' reflections on how addictive procrastination and financial insecurity interact.  Abandonment of financial diligence is the single largest symptom of my compulsive procrastination.

It is progressive: I can trace its growth through my life, from a general dislike of math and numbers as a youth, to disdain for money and material possessions as a young adult, to small but harmless paperwork procrastinations and, finally, a fullblown addictive pattern: constant fear of financial insecurity co-occurring with preventable neglect of all things financial. During the last few years I have needlessly paid hundreds of dollars each year in late fees, penalties and interest - not because I lacked the money, but just because I would not do the actions necessary to avoid them.

Last year, the tally of fees, dues and penalties exceeded $2,000.  Amazingly, I still have fairly good credit; apparently the credit companies really LIKE someone who eventually pays and volunteers the bonus of all those late fees!:blush:  Right now I am 5 months behind in billing my clients for work I have done for them, as well as thousands of dollars in reimbursable expenses on which I am out of pocket. I know this makes no sense...well, unless you are as serious a procrastinator as I am.

Today when using the Chatroom to  apply the first three Tools (break it down, visualize, ask myself why) to a financial task that terrified me,  I discovered that I delay turning in expenses and billing, because it gives me a secret feeling that the Authority Figure OWES me. Which gives me a feeling of power and therefore of security. If I get square with the AF and "they" no longer OWE me, I am faced with walking today's tightrope without a safety net. I will be forced to rely on my own skills, talents, smarts, etc., and I fear that I do not have enough of these to make enough money to survive...and so I always have some backlog of "Owe Me." 

And, I conclude, it is in fact true that I do not, in and of myself, have enough of the Right Stuff to survive life on life's terms. Which is why I really need a Higher Power. The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) says in its description of Step 4 that "we have now ceased" relying on our own limited resources, in favor of relying on God. I think that moment is upon me. Will I catch up, square up, and stay up with daily diligence even on money, and trust God with the results?