Been a while - thought I'd say hello.
Its been quite a while (more than 4 months) since I last posted and................ well, I don't really have anything particular to say - I just wanted to speak out to people who understand the sort of things I'm going through. Hi again everybody.
To really briefly summarise what's happened since I first started to recognise my problem - Things were really bad, but then I made great effort to change and became much better - a totally different person i'd say. But then I went back to uni again, and lost the battle under pressure. So here I am now - for the last month, I've felt completely hopeless and I mean completely hopeless. I've lost my appetite (and I'm normally a big eater), stopped sleeping naturally (I've been forcing myself to sleep by staying up through the night into the next afternoon when I crash out) and worst of all I've stopped trying. I've stopped trying.....
I guess this post is the first step to me trying to turn things around again. This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I wish I could go back to last summer when I was making progress. I felt on course for something better. Although I had resistance, where sometimes I would just randomly feel down again, at least I HAD resistance to tell me that I was pushing against my habits/sub-consciousness to make myself a better person. But now? Now I hardly feel anything at all. During the summer, I'd get bouts of inspirations from various sources - here, StevePavlina.com, random articles, my own thoughts - now its a drought, my life is completely devoid of inspiration.
The only times I feel happiness is when I'm with my amazing girlfriend who's been there to support me through all this. I feel so sad when I think of what I've put her through though cos she deserves better. And I so so want to make things better for her - I just.... I dunno. That's just it - I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. It can't be encapsulated into one word - not procrastinaton, not perfectionism, not depression, not dysthymia, none. It's the WHOLE of me: my thinking, my thoughts, my actions, my physical being, my well being, my feelings, everything. I want to change EVERYTHING.
I dunno what to say now - I've run out of steam. I just hope you all can relate cos it'd be nice to feel like I'm not alone. That things can get better again - I just want some hope again.