Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Been a while - thought I'd say hello.

Its been quite a while (more than 4 months) since I last posted and................ well, I don't really have anything particular to say - I just wanted to speak out to people who understand the sort of things I'm going through. Hi again everybody.

To really briefly summarise what's happened since I first started to recognise my problem - Things were really bad, but then I made great effort to change and became much better - a totally different person i'd say. But then I went back to uni again, and lost the battle under pressure. So here I am now - for the last month, I've felt completely hopeless and I mean completely hopeless. I've lost my appetite (and I'm normally a big eater), stopped sleeping naturally (I've been forcing myself to sleep by staying up through the night into the next afternoon when I crash out) and worst of all I've stopped trying. I've stopped trying.....

I guess this post is the first step to me trying to turn things around again. This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I wish I could go back to last summer when I was making progress. I felt on course for something better. Although I had resistance, where sometimes I would just randomly feel down again, at least I HAD resistance to tell me that I was pushing against my habits/sub-consciousness to make myself a better person. But now? Now I hardly feel anything at all. During the summer, I'd get bouts of inspirations from various sources - here,, random articles, my own thoughts - now its a drought, my life is completely devoid of inspiration.

The only times I feel happiness is when I'm with my amazing girlfriend who's been there to support me through all this. I feel so sad when I think of what I've put her through though cos she deserves better. And I so so want to make things better for her - I just.... I dunno. That's just it - I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. It can't be encapsulated into one word - not procrastinaton, not perfectionism, not depression, not dysthymia, none. It's the WHOLE of me: my thinking, my thoughts, my actions, my physical being, my well being, my feelings, everything. I want to change EVERYTHING.

I dunno what to say now - I've run out of steam. I just hope you all can relate cos it'd be nice to feel like I'm not alone. That things can get better again - I just want some hope again.

Thank you for the support

Thank you to all of you for taking your time out to support me. It makes it easier to deal with when you know that others have been through what you are going through.

Of the advice given, I'm most wary about going to see a doctor. If you had read my previous experience with doctors, you can probably understand why. Secondly, I'm not sure this is your 'conventional' depression (as I picture it). The common symptoms of depression may be there, such as losing my appetite and long bouts of really low moods but my gut feeling tells me that this isn't something that medicine can help cure. Of all the things that I miss, the thing I miss the most is the feeling of hope, of inspiration. And in my heart I know it takes something that goes a lot deeper than medicine to regain it.

My girlfriend is the only thing that's really keeping me going. I will admit that I have had mild thoughts of suicide in the last month of so but she is the main reason I want to keep trying (she always tells me to just keep trying). She's my true angel. I have never even heard of someone being so understanding and forgiving, especially considering how bad I treat her sometimes (ignoring her calls for no reason, messing up birthdays etc). But ultimately, although it helps a great deal to talk to her, changing myself is something I can only do by myself, within. She is the person who always picks me up again after I've fallen down but it is up to me to learn how to walk.

I'm still in a dire situation, not much has changed since my original post. Since I'm at uni, in my last semester, retaking my final year again, I have this tremendous pressure on me to change so much in what is a relatively short period for such a task. And I'm crumbling. I don't know what to do first, next, everything. I'm already behind 3 weeks. If I end up not getting my degree, after the second try.... well I dunno. I'm going to speak to an academic adviser next week about my future options but I'm not hopeful. I wish I could just take a year - I'm almost certain that I could change so much given a year... I wish.....

Hi, Steven

Me, too, on so much of this.  I have ups and downs, and when I'm in one extreme I can't even remember what the other felt like.

That's just it - I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. It can't be encapsulated into one word - not procrastinaton, not perfectionism, not depression, not dysthymia, none. It's the WHOLE of me: my thinking, my thoughts, my actions, my physical being, my well being, my feelings, everything. I want to change EVERYTHING.

I struggle with this all the time.  And I'm coming to believe that the answer is to accept and love myself as I am, but I don't know *how* to do that.

In conclusion, you're not alone.  I wish you the best and welcome you back.

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I feel your pain Steven.

I feel your pain Steven. I've run into times when I didn't think I could go any lower and then I'd sink just a little bit more.

Your girlfriend is an angel for staying by your side. Mine left me. 
Perhaps you can enroll her as your coach. 
For me, just realizing I had a problem seems to have made a big dent in my problem and I'm very optimistic that it can be dealt with. Yours can be too.
Your loss of hope and incapacity to feel does sounds like depression. You should definitely seek a doctor. Science has come a long way in the last decade or so and is only making more inroads into problems like ours. Speak to a doc. They'll help steer you back on track.

welcome back

Steven, the wonderful thing about fellowships like this one is that you are always welcome. The other wonderful thing is that there are tools in place in 12 step programs that really do help. In addition to the 12 steps, other tools include journaling, meditation/prayer, having a sponsor, reading 12 step literature, planning, using the telephone, and check ins. Not all of them are supported in this format and I can only write from my own experience, but I have found all of these supports and the ones in place on this site to be extremely helpful. One day at a time, and welcome back.

wb steven

Welcome back, hope you'll be getting back on track soon.  Sounds like there's a bit of depression going on here, Steven, maybe speaking with a doc would be beneficial.  Best of luck


Yes, see a doctor

I agree with journey, and I'd suggest seeing both types of doctor.  See a regular physician to make sure there isn't something medical going on -- I've heard that thyroid disorders can cause depressive symptoms, and I'm sure there are plenty of other things that can also throw your chemistry out of whack.

And see a psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor or something to help you deal with the "everything" problem.  Finding someone whose expertise is in helping people deal with their problems is a big help.  It took me far too many years to finally seek professional help, and now I wonder what the last 20 years would have been like if I'd done it sooner.

Welcome back -- you know we're always here to listen, understand, and help how we can.