Fear of success
I sat down for a little while and worked, and then I started thinking about things... I haven't had a chunk of time to just work like this in a long time.... It's almost like the old days, right? When I used to sit down the day before a paper was due and just do it. And the idea that I might finish it this evening, and that it might actually be decent, terrified me! I did some writing in my journal, and I've realized now that I am afraid of success. I've read before that that can be a cause of procrastination, but didn't think that could be my problem—I've always just been scared of failing! But now I know that isn't it at all. I expect myself to fail, and beat myself up when I do, but what I'm even more scared of is being worthy of someone else's praise. And I can see this reflected not just in my procrastination but in a bunch of issues I've been having.
It feels great to have figured this out—but not sure where to go from here. I'm looking forward to getting back to school and discussing this with my therapist. In the meantime, I want to push myself over this fear tonight and finish the essay, because I know that I can.