Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
Hooch's accursed project
I have this report that has been on the go in one form or another since 2005 and still is not finished... It causes me stress whenever I happen to think about it, and it causes underlying stress even when I am not thinking about it. I have the chance of job from January, which would be great, but I would have to get this accursed report, and one other thing out of the way first. Just in writing that sentence I feel that this is so unlikely to happen I should not even consider taking the job in January. And yet, it should not be an impossible task. Most of the required 10,000 words are there, it "just" needs some editing, some re-writing, a bit of additional stuff.
It is amazing what I will find to do in order not to tackle the report. In fact I think I am allergic to it. Iam hoping that keeping a log about progress here on P-anon, will encourage some progress to actually happen.
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Week of Mon 28th Jan by Hooch
I seem to have lost track of what day it is, but I will carry on!
Tues 29th - to do: introduction stuff
Mon 28th - 2.1 hours (and a lot of stress about stupid statistics programs)
Hang in there, Hooch!
You're doing fantastic!
Sunday 28th January 2013 by Hooch
Hooch - 2.5 hours in front of the report files today, reading and a bit of writing.
Hooch 2 (Voice of Reason) - 2.5 hours today on the project Hooch, that is good.
H - no it isnt really, i didnt get much done
VoR - but at least you got a few things done. You read some background lit., grasped a few new concepts.
H - that is true, but think of all the hours i spent not doing the project
VoR - true 2.5 hours is not 8 hours, but it is still good. It is better than zero hours for instance. And sheer familiarity must make you feel more at ease with opening the file. Maybe tomorrow you will not spend so much time faffing?
H - it is true that I do feel much more relaxed about things than I can do. But it still isnt enough. My progress is too slow. I dont know what to write.
VoR - practice makes improvement
H -And then there are all the other things i should be doing. Applying for other jobs, stuff like that.
VoR - is there any amount of stuff you would have done on this project that would make you feel satisfied?
H - no i dont think so.
VoR - I know you are my inner self and all, but you are driving me crazy. Can we get a divorce.
go VoR!
You ARE making progress
Thanks Marcelor
Thanks for that Marcelor
V o R needs all the support it can get!
Hooch (the unreasonable one)
Fri 25th Jan 2013 by Hooch
get up with alarm clock (partial success, got up less than an hour after it went off)
get to office
-------
Accursed project:
Statistical analysis - keep calm & carry on (I did try... problems, problems)
spk to H re significance
read and sumarise S paper
-----
hair cut
therapist
===
I am feeling so much better than I have been, so much calmer. And yet, I am not getting a huge amount done. I am very slow at using the new statistics software (frustration tolerance where are you?) I am hoping even this very slow progress is still progress.
H
Sat 19th Jan 2013 by Hooch
send CV (I dont want to, but I have to)
4 x 25 min sessions on report
paint shelves (did some)write journal (did a few mins)do free weights
laundry
try to become calm (calmness is being somewhat achieved thro the mechanism of eating ice cream, which is not really ideal. Is ice cream better or worse than Promethazine, who can tell)
wash hair
Hang in there, Hooch!
Keep it going....breathe deep and keep it going..
Fri 18th Jan 2013 by Hooch
Today was mostly taken up by administrative tasks. This was also exhausting in its way. After 2 hours with the tax person I was yawning and could hardly keep my eyes open. I think it is a combination of stress, doubt and the tiring business of having to face the reality of my situation.
The guy was speaking to me as a reasonable adult who might actually do the things he suggested, whereas I know that there is a good chance that I wont do them. It is not actually advice that I need. I know myself what I should be doing (writing a report for example). It is just I tend to act against my own long term benefit much of the time.
I am fed up pretending, that is the problem. I am fed up pretending that I am other than how I am. In truth I feel depressed. I lack energy. I am fed up trying to give the impression that I am normal, that I am interested in things, that I am ambitious, that I am interested in superficial conversation with people. I am not actually interested in any of these things. I dont care about my project. I dont care about my job prospects. I cant pretend I do. Damage limitation is where it is at at the moment.
I am hoping that by acknowledging all this that I can get to grips with the things that need to be gripped.
Hooch
Wed 16th Jan by Hooch
Note to self: Hooch, I think what we need is a plan, rather than just unspecified blocks of 25 mins. So
Things to do
Get up @ 7:40 (not my best talent)
leave house @ 08:30
buy paint
go to therapist
Report
(8 sessions would be nice....)
- calculations, stats
- summarise 4 case studies
-outline of intro
UPDATE
Weeeell, I did get up, I got out of the house I got to the therapist, I even got to the old office. Everything rather went downhill after that and in the end 0 hours were logged on my work schedule. Sometimes I do think I am completely crazy. I cannot be bothered with anything. I point out to myself that getting a job is the way to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head, and in answer I tell myself I dont care and I am going back to bed.
Hooch: Hang in there
it will get better
Best of luck!
Best of luck today with your writing Hooch
Ta
Thanks guys!
Tues 15th Jan by Hooch
Report part II
I have promised my accountability buddy that I will do (at least) 4 x 25 min sessions. So I had better get on with it.
Great job!!!
Go get it Hooch!
Tues 15th Jan by Hooch
It was definitely not a great job, but I was here, at the desk. I read some relevant stuff. I resisted the temptation to sleep all afternoon. I suppose that is _something_.
Sat 29 Dec by Hooch
J. H. bananas, but I did actually just send pt 1 to my ex-boss for comments. No feet, in the long history of feet dragging, have ever been dragged more than me dragging my feet over sending this damn thing in to him. I am already worried about what he will say and whether he will suggest major rewriting of bits of it. I am scared he might be angry. Tho theoretically I suppose he should be less angry now he has something to look at than all the .... ahem... years since he last saw a version.
And now I have to start thinking about Pt 2, which is of course just as severely overdue. On the plus side, it is a bit shorter, but on the negative side, I havent got much in the way of words already down on paper for it. Ah well, a new day tomorrow.
Hooch
Well done Hooch
Well done Hooch for getting part one done and sent. That is GREAT! I hope you have a good day and wish you the best of luck with part two.
Thank you Jalla
It was really nice of you too comment. Made me smile :-)
thank you, Hooch...
...for your thoughtful and supportive messages. I send you good thoughts.
(No subject)
Sun 16th Dec by Hooch
I am _so_ fed up with this.
Yesterday I did eventually get my act together and did 2.9 hours with the help of the wonderful people in the Chatbox. Most of it was faffing about with figures tho, so not really hard core stuff. It still needs to be done tho I suppose.
Hooch - Keep it going
Hooch - good for you! 2.9 hours is nothing to snicker at! Just keep moving forward. It all adds up.
Saturday 15th Dec 2012 by Hooch
A disaster area as far as getting things done on this report. I stayed up far too late last night after being out. Then this afternoon slept from 14h - 17h - not good.
Hooch, rest is important
Hooch, rest is important and we cannot be productive all the time. Having a semblance of a social life matters too!
I am keeping my fingers crossed for your poject, I have a neglected one of my own as well, which I am planning to tackle once I get chapter 1 out of the way.
Best wishes!
Thanks Iwanttowrite
Thanks for these kind words Iwantto. Rest is indeed important. It is really mostly the faffing around that I could usefully cut down on.
Here is to neglected projects of the world! (and their neglectors also!)
v best
Hooch
Fri 14th Dec 2012 by Hooch
Theoretically it is possible that I could tidy things up enough in this Report part 1, that I could send it to someone today for comments. How does that make me feel? Terrified that's what. Would it not be better just to keep a low profile and not disturb anyone by sending emails....?
Hooch
sending a report for comments
That is the seriously panicky making bit, isn't it, letitng someone else see what you've been slaving over, particularly if you feel you've not done it to the standard you would have liked.
I'd suggest not thinking about the sending-in bit yet. How about getting it tidied up just so you can report back to us that you have done it?
H.
Thanks Hypatia!
Thanks for this, I was carrying your message in your mind with me all day.
Not thinking about sending in the report, tho difficult in practice, is certainly a good approach. I wonder why it is I feel this way tho, so possessive, so reluctant to share it. Not done to the standard I would have liked as you say, is certainly part of it. And maybe it even goes beyond that. Maybe I am worried that I am not even capable of the standard required. That people will read it and say, 'well yes it looks like a report, but actually it is clear that the author does not know anything about the subject' and that they will not consider me one of them (or the In Group as a psychologist would say). Yes, maybe it is more about fear of rejection than anything else.
Thanks for your comment Hypatia, certainly food for thought.
(also) H
I know that fear
I have always had the fear that what I hand in is finally going to reveal me for the fraud that I am! I keep having this thought that I come across as being clever in conversation, and that people will be surprised at how bad my work is. Terrible!
Me Too
You are not alone in this (or, I would venture, other things as well).
@ SMT, Marcelor
You are right SMT, it is a common problem. Thanks for the comment Marcelor, somehow I find comforting to see that other people feel this way.
I found this interesting too:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
"commonly associated with academics and is widely found among graduate students"
Oh yes?
Thurs 13th December 2012 by Hooch
Thingstodotoday:
Make diagrams!
Write the captions for the diagrams.
small conclusion section for this partwell, mostly doneemail T
2.5 hours in total. Not too bad. (Or possibly terrible, considering there are 24 hours in a day and how much actually has to be done. Better not to think like that tho.)
-----
Wed 12th December
It was a struggle but I got 2.3 hours done. I was in the Chatroom in the evening and it is so helpful to see what other people are doing. I love seeing that someone is cleaning the sink or tackling the kitchen floor.
So I hope that Wed represents the start of an upswing again. And now to Thursday!
Tues 11th Dec 2012 by Hooch
Struggled on and managed to get 1.3 hours done today with the help of the Chatroom (Hi Gotmusikk). This is not very good. Tho it is of course better than nothing, which, as it happens was Monday's total and Sunday's and Saturday's and indeed Friday's.
It is not just the project I am having trouble with at the moment. I am procrastinating about getting up in the morning, going to bed at night and everything in between. I dont feel particularly anxious, just stubborn.
Here is to a better day tomorrow.
Hooch
Hugs for Hooch
Oh, Hooch... Isn't being stubborn with yourself the most tedious thing? It certainly is for me!!
Just wanted to congratulate you on the 1.3 hard-won hours of work today, especially since you had had a few tough days leading up to today. It's impressive that you tackled the accursed project head on rather than rationalizing a few more days away from the struggle and all of the negative emotions associated with it.
I can tell from your posts that you've got what it takes to push through your resistance bit by bit. Stubborness may be your nemesis at the moment, but it's also a friend that has helped you keep on keeping on. Good luck harnessing the power!
Sending hugs and best wishes your way,
Piqued
PS I was going to make the subject line "Hugs for Hard-Headed Hooch," but I noticed you were from Germany and didn't know if you all commonly used the phrase "hard headed" to mean "stubborn." Then I was worried that someone would take "hard headed" as an insult, which was not my intention at all. I just enjoyed having all of those capital H words in a row. And of course it was a reference to stubbornness being your current vexing issue but also, potentially, one of your superhero powers. All hail the potent energy of stubbornness!
Hi Piqued!
Thanks for this Piqued. It really cheered me up and made me laugh extra Hs all over the place, heeHeheHehahahooHohhh, like that. It sounds like you are well aquainted with the path of internal stubborness. _SO_ unbelievably tedious, as you say. But you are right our weaknesses are also our strengths in some ways. I often think if I could harness the power of my refusal to do things into actually doing things, then look out world!
Hard headed sounds good to me (I had to go and look up the song Hard headed woman, to remind myself how good it is). Although I am in Germany, actually I am from Scotland. We have an excellent word in Scottish for stubborn / willful/ obstinate to the nth degree.... and that is 'Thrawn'. Do you know it? And you are Nashville... how wonderful is that! (Can you play the steel guitar?)
v best wishes to you too!
Hooch
Thrawn is a lovely word.
What a fun new word! Thrawn. I'd never heard it before. Gotta work that into conversation sometime soon. Alas, no steel guitar skills have I; however, I do enjoy listening to all manner of guitar, including steel. All the best to you as you continue to wrestle with this project and with yourself!!
Sun 9th Dec by Hooch
What has happened? ......Nothing that is what.
Things have been so much better than normal this last month, but just as the first half of my report was getting to the point where i could imagine sending it to my boss for comments.... I sat here at my computer, files open and REFUSED to do anything with it. I also didnt want to join the P-anon meeting this eve, altho I was right here, so I could have done.
Fear of finishing? Fear of having to start the next part? Stupidity?
I am fed up with myself.
Hooch
Friday 7th Dec by Hooch
Things to do today
IO Report part I
- conclusions
- tidy up A section
- make figures
other things
- email T about possible January job
Hooch: Hang in there
Hang in there. I can relate. Im in the same boat. I'm going to burst tonight from 5:30 to 8:30 (Pacific Time), so thatI may
tackle the red horned demons lounging on my law study materials and embrace the uncomfortable. Wish you success with
project!
Cheers Chattydo
The lounging demons, that is exactly right. Why else would i be afraid of a file if it werent for the demons lounging on it.
Down with demons! Embrace the uncomfortable!
.... but I dont liiiiiiiiike the uncomfortable.................. waaaaa.
Thur 6th Dec 2012 by Hooch
Where has the time gone? Well I know where it has gone really. So much of it is spent just existing, my stomach tense with stress, gazing into space and not getting anything done.
In the first 6 days of Dec, so far I have spent 25 mins working on my report. Part of the reason for this poor total was that I was with my mother. That involves a day travelling there and a day travelling back, where I cannot do anything work related because I am nervous about flying, about airports, about missing my connections. Then when I am with her I am 1) doing things for her and 2) stressed. She is ill and not getting better and has dementia. She also exacerbates my tendencies towards Despair and Procrastination just by being the way she is, that is the way she always was even before any health problems, which make everything worse.
---
Todays Tasks:
household
vacuum
clean bathroomwash kitchen and bathroom floorstidy up
put away clotheslaundry
Cleaning up the apartment really helped settle me down. It is always hard to know what is just faffing / task avoidance and what is actually going to help, like cleaning up today. I felt a lot better when the place was not such a mess.
IO Report
Got 3 x 25 minutes with the help of the helpful folk in the Chatbox. Part 1 is nearly... should I say ... finished... well, not finished but there is light at the end of the tunnel. But then there is part 2... I shouldnt even think about that.
----
Good luck everyone.
Hooch
Tues 27th Nov by Hooch
Things to do today
Read thro M section and edit
Exercise
Monday 26th Nov by Hooch
I am making progress I guess, it is just slow... and I am impatient, let's face it.
Did 3 x 25 mins today despite stressful circumstances
exerciseWed 21st Nov by Hooch
Things to do today:
See man about dog, I mean calculations and ask H also.Carry on with T section
Go back and look at C section.
Make some of the diagrams.
Take a walk
Try to remain positive
===
How optimistic of me to think I could do all of these things in one day! It has taken Wed AND Thur just to get to the beginning of sorting out the calc problems...... ah well at least I am engaging with subject. And as Focusing pointed out in the Chatbox, that is already something.
ANTI CURSE DAY Novemebr 24th 2012
Dear All,
November 24th 2012 (Today) is Planned to be celebrated as an ANTI CURSE DAY in solidarity with our dear fellow PA Member HOOCH.
On this day, there will be various bursts taking place, all mainly focused at that part of our pending works which WE are -
We will be bursting on these.. And at the end of the day , lets show the CURSED one - WHO THE REAL BOSS IS.
Solidarity to ALL Fellow Procrastinators.
Anti - curse preparations
That is great! I shall have no excuses for not tackling the anti-curse spell! I'll get my things prepared:
Pliers - to pull out the voodoo pins
Wooden stake - that is always useful
Towel - cos I am a hoopy frood who always knows where my towel is
Garlic - in case of emergencies
mm... what else does one need when dealing with the forces of evil aka IO Report?
Oh the Pro-Anon Chatbox of course! Fighting Procrastination since .... tomorrow... no, not tomorrow, I didnt mean that, I meant NOW!
H
ANTI CURSE DAY Novemebr 24th 2012
Am all geared up and doing 3x10 Bursts.
Waiting for the Star of the show - Hooch
@RmK
So.... a good day fighting the witches and monsters and other long leggity beasties that have cursed my old neglected report. I had quite a good run at it today tho, 3.8 hours of work on it altogether! I think that is probably a record.
It was good to see you in the Chatroom RmK. Thanks for your support. I hope you had a good day too. It sounds like you are sticking at it :-).
best!
H
Well done!
Great job!