Sunday August 28, 2011

Please do NOT leave ANY advice or feedback.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I just deleted my two dating accounts.  I don't feel very strongly about not dating or about avoiding dating sites.  I do not think they are inherently evil, nor do I think that I should abstain from dating period or anything silly like that.  If anything I need to stop procrastinating on having fun and doing work and on my life, but if being there prevents me from feeling like myself for whatever reason or gets in the way of other priorities.  There are some things that I still feel pretty fucked up about:

1) The way I react to people who are rude and are not worth my time and attention.

2) The fact that I still stalk or contact people who have not given me attention or a date in the past.  It's compulsive behavior, and I like an alcoholic who has quit drinking recently have difficulty walking into a bar and not drinking, have difficulty going on a dating site (even after two years of NO dating) and not stalking people.

3) Some dates have cancelled on me during times when I could have had a job interview.  For me, getting a job is paramount. 

4) I feel like I'm reconstructing my life in many aspects, and part of that is starting a business.  I'm not ON time for things.  I feel uncomfortable with dating people if a)I have compulsive habits that I haven't quit and b) I'm not on time for things.  I want to be someone who is on time for things, without getting fired, b/c the only job I was on time for every single day, I was also fired from.

5) I don't stick to a routine of sleep, self-care, exercise and dental care or even brushing my hair in a timely manner before bed.  I pass out on the couch a few times a week, or feel embroiled in other people's messed up communication.

6) I constantly worry if I'm thin enough for people to date me. I am constantly concerned about this, instead of how I feel in my skin, and half of that worry is just about how I feel in my skin and not about other people at all.  I exercise, but have diarrhea afteward, b/c instead of thinking about myself, I am thinking about how other people will view me.  

7)I feel guilty about telling people I cannot date them, instead of being concerned about my own needs and my own tastes.  And yes, this is even after six years in SLAA.  I need to keep working the steps and owning my powerlessness daily.

8)I am too honest with people, and I do this without thinking.  I don't need to tell people everything. I need to just reject people by saying, "That time doesn't work for me," instead of going into a song and a dance about why they might have to waight six months for me or what I'm actually doing.  It is NONE of their business what I'm doing.

Going forward, what I want my life to be like is:

1)I am on time for my appointments, work and meetings.  I don't apologize to people for being late.   Being late is self-sabotage and not a hardship for anyone else.

2)I brush my teeth and floss, use listerine and a periodontic brush before bed

3) I make time to exercise daily, if not in the morning or as part of a routine (nightly or afternoonly).

4) I stick to my routine of self-care, regardless of how other people act toward me, b/c I am not responsible for other people's actions and I know to take care of myself.  I do not feel guilty about taking care of myself before others, because I need that for myself.  I am not  in a position to take care of others, nor should I, if they are adults.

5) I avoid skin picking pull and squeezing one day at a time, and post regularly on the OSPA boards about my skin-pulling and self-mutilation urges that are time-consuming and embarrassing.

6) I confront things that cause me shame head-on, and incrementally.  I have the courage to keep restarting if things are difficult.

7) I have paid back my student loans.  I am working full-time or part-time, while in school.

8) I read my goal list and affirmations daily in order to focus on what I need to do, instead of advertising.  My public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion, I need always maintain a connection to my objectives, in a hands-on way.

9) I have enough money to fix my car, get new tires and an oil change.

10) I stop skin picking one hour at a time.  I work on the things that are causing me stress and shame.  I keep a journal so that I find my own voice, I do not react to people who are rude.

11)I stick to my eight-week running plan in order to get back to training again.  I am willing to take incremental steps for my running.

12)I see a chiropractor once a week and get a massage once a month.

13) I eat three healthy meals a day, not consisting of sugar. I take my vitamins daily.

14) I am good with my word. I call people back when I say I will.  This also means that I turn in work within a timely manner, and get a grade for it, going forward, I finish things. Receiving an extension on a project is a promise that I will fulfill the project.  I am brave enough to find out what I need to do, and if I can do something about my situation.  

15)I do things offline and online that I want to do, like going to the Thanksgiving retreat.  I go on vacations that I want to go to (Mostly SLAA and CoDA related).  I don't wait for the perfect moment to host my website or ask a research advisor to help me.  I do not feel guilty for asserting my needs, b/c other people will be around for people who need them. I do not need to be the one to tell people what to do or to advise them or be of assistance to them. 

16)I acknowledge that I am good enough to date and to be friends with many positive and supportive people, regardless of where I'm at, who I have been or who I still am.

Quick List:

shower
crack car windows, eat, reply to J
make 20min. cleaning progress
ck out AE party (there wasn't time for this)
Qi Gong/Tai Chi class
buy bread
make 20min. more cleaning progress
 cook soup
gbg out, + gw w/ blackberry canes
 use Balancer, take bedtime Rx
bed w/ light & sound off by 11:30pm (sigh, not even close)

Why and How:

As part of choosing to have a satisfying amount of accomplishment, today, I will postpone computer activities involving LJ, photos, and fan-fiction until after 8:00pm AND getting soup on to cook. Before that time, I will also limit online audible browsing and online LNow browsing to 15 timed minutes each.

 As part of embracing the opportunities for exploration that come with J's friendship, I will reply to her email and also do at least two separate 20-minutes cleaning bursts.

 As part of caring for my body, I will attend class and use the Balancer and cook a batch of soup.

 As part of preparing to have a week I can feel VERY good about, I will buy bread and be in bed with lights and sound off by 11:30pm. (nope)

Additional possibilities:

cut blackberry canes (good enough for now)
clean shoes!

check SR
post this at PA

continue incorporating rcts
continue researching refresh needs
cook rhubarb

change towel
draft G email re economic course
do th h/w journaling re self-abandonment

think re &/or experiment w/ dance solo
research ordering new braces

just realized I posted on the wrong day! Thanks Lennon for starting the thread . . .doh! 

Avoiding the truth consumes great effort and energy. - Jim Loehr