Tuesday, August 16 2011

Working from home today and getting off to a better start.   I have a lot of work to do on my main project and I need to take a little time today to make a timeline to make sure I'm on track with it.  I'm kind of chipping away at it but I don't have the big picture in my head.

I have a training class tomorrow so I must get to bed and get up very early if I'm going to make it to the gym in the morning.   And I really want to go, so I'm going to try!

Jo 

Avoiding the truth consumes great effort and energy. - Jim Loehr

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank studentessa for starting this trend.

Things I have done today

1. Went to the 8:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting

2. Went to the 9:30 a.m. telephone PA check-in

3. Went to the 9:45 a.m. telephone CLA meeting

4. Took shower

5. Went to the CLA Action Line

Things I will do today

1. Get dressed

2. Prayer and meditation morning and evening

3. Cook and eat brunch

4. Send out Al-Anon literature for today

5. Go to the CLA marithon meeting

6. Go to the 11:30 a.m. telephone PA check-in

7. Go to the 12 noon telephone ACA meeting

8. Go to the 1 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

9. Go to the 2:30 telephone PA check-in

10. Go to the 3 p.m. telephone DA meeting

11. Go grocery shopping

12. Put groceries away

13. Do homework

14. Make bed

15. Wash dishes

16. Clear up couch

17. Clear up tables

18. Clear up floor

19. Warm up and eat dinner

20. Test blood sugar twice

21. Go to the 8 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

22. Go to the 9 p.m. online EA meeting

23. Go to the 9:30 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

24. Go to the 11 p.m. telephone ACA meeting

Thanks for letting me share

So...the boulder has rolled back down the hill. Despite leaving work at 11 PM last night and getting to bed about 12:30 AM, I awoke at 6 AM and could not get back to sleep.

Once again, I have fallen dangerously behind at work. While getting a fair number of (typically shorter) case reviews out promptly, the stragglers have proliferated, so that I have unfinished cases strewn in my wake back to June. At work, the really difficult cases, or maybe just the most anxiety-provoking ones,
since I often have no real sense of what they entail before becoming
frightened by them, get put off indefinitely, until the fear of not
finishing them outweighs the fear of facing them. It's unacceptable, and it stresses me out. My procrastination is to blame, along with contributing factors.

I have come to realize that I am reticent and ambivalent about doing most anything, preferring to defer until later. I think it's because doing something makes me nervous, or maybe just making a decision makes me nervous. If it's something I really want to do, or really want to do well, that can paralyze me. What if it's really frustrating? What if I do a crappy job? Will I be embarrassed and exposed as a fraud? What if I try my best and still fail? How will I feel about myself? In general, I think I can deal better with being a procrastinator than being a
failure and having to give up yet another daydream. So the hardest things
for me to work on are the things I most fondly desire.

At the same time, I have multiple competing life scripts I am trying to read from. Once I get started on something, I doggedly want to finish. The problem is, as I have written here before, that if I have ten new cases to review and analyze, and I work on one half the day, I end up way behind, despite the sense of accomplishment at having finished one. Worse, I may discover that I can't finish it, because I require additional data, or have to do some research, or find some new twist I haven't encountered before that I have to ponder and try to reason through. 

I have tried to take a time-delimited approach to getting a "touch" on all my cases, so that all are progressing, rather than obsessing over one while the others collect dust. Knowing what each case is about and the status of each seems logically better to me than having no idea about some. The panic it causes me when I get a call days later regarding some case I haven't even looked at that turns out to be very important to a customer makes me miserable and damages my already fragile self-esteem. But I am not cut out to be a scientist. I have been unable to stick with the experiment. 

Another life script that confuses me is that of work-life balance. My marriage went to pieces in part because I was (and continue to be) unable to establish a work-life balance. I either leave work undone so I can go home, but am then preoccupied and worried about it, or throw more and more time at the work, flailing away with the idea that "once I get this done..." I will be able to go home on time like a "normal" person and live a life outside the bounds of work. But the latter never happens. And like the variously attributed quote about madness being defined as doing things exactly the same way over and over again but expecting a different outcome, my behavior borders on madness.

Finally, circling back to the beginning of this little exploration, just as I have a hard time starting, I have a hard time putting things to rest. Despite all I have said above, I also have a perfectionism life script that causes me to fear finishing tasks. When something is finished, it can be judged. Something unfinished still has "potential" to be really, really good. But if it can't get finished, it can never be any good.

I still think that the idea of working a little bit on everything - even if it's frustrating - makes more sense than becoming overly attached to one thing and neglecting all the rest. I have to develop a sense of "good enough" and accept it. It will cause me anxiety. But what doesn't?

Goal today: 16 "touches" x 30 minutes each. That means 16 cases get a maximum of 30 minutes of attention. If it doesn't get done today, I have to accept it. A case that is 45 days (!!!) past due has to move forward, as does one that is 7 days past due, as does one that is brand new. If I discover I have more than 16 pending cases, something I have willfully avoided knowing (because it would stress me out, of course), I will learn it in due course. After 16 touches, I can and will go home. The key is not to take breaks that will have me finishing at 10 PM. If I start at 10:30 AM and take two or three 30 minute breaks in there, I can still get out of here by 7:30 or 8 PM. It's not early, but it's not heinous, either. I must find the will. Back to report.