Thursday 5th May 2011

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

This is the 108th day that I have followed through with the following:

• 90 days away from dating sites and facebook
• 90 days of not stalking people's profiles of people I've tried to date in the past
• 90 days of not stalking people online that I've tried to date in
  the past. (I am now back on day 71 for this).
• No Internet chat, aside from employment or twelve-step.  This
  includes not stalking people on AIM or other chat networks, whom I've
  tried to date in the past. (I'm on day 36 of this.)
• 56 days of exercise (I'm on day 5 of this).

Let me explain why I made it 36 days and then stopped the chat bit.  I contacted the person I was obsessing over.  He probably did not even get my message or he did. I don't even know, but I need to do things that are self-esteem building from now on.  I think honestly that it's okay for me to check to see if this person is in a relationship. I think it's worthwhile.  It might be heart-breaking, but at least I'll have an understanding.  I am just now going to leave that for later.  I have more important things to do with preparing for the last 67 minutes of my exam.  what I need is more self-esteem building right now....and that's all.  I don't need to look at his dating profile.  I'll wait until the weekend. 

I realize I used this nonrelationship as a way to procrastinate, becasue I turned my pain about this nonrelationship into a way to dissociate from the grief of feeling incapable of doing all the work that I wanted to get done.  Yes, it hurts a lot that he had no interest in me.  It's like having a crush on someone who doesn't like you back.  It's okay that that hurts and that that's how I feel, and it's okay to be gentle and kind to myself.  It's okay to acknowledge that I am hurt about it.

But whenever I contact him, I may not get a response, b/c he's not reliable.  And I need to get real about that.  I may never be able to do so in the face of it.  For me, the third step has always been about doing other shit, not actively letting anything go, because that's like a negative action.  The only step I can take is a positive step in the resurrection of my own life.   And I know that I'm hurting a lot.  I hurt a lot b/c I fear that I will always be alone, that nobody wants me and that I can't do anything about it, no matter how much self-work I do.  A bunch of students from my class were getting together to drink alcohol tonight as a party.  I don't drink alcohol as a way of having fun.  That's not what it is for me.  I don't feel very strongly about it, it's just not my main thing.  Like alcohol is only ever an accessory to other things: karaoke, dance, a game, movie, event, etc.  But it's never going to be the main thing.  So I always feel out of sorts when people talk about going to drink alcohol.  I'm like, "Well, I'm gonna go home and make a caesar salad."  And I'd really rather go home and eat a salad especially when I'm starving.

12:29 PM: After pretty solid, if still strained and imperfect, productivity since I started tracking my work on March 9, I have really been struggling the last two weeks. I took a few days off to visit my kids in another state, and came back sad, stressed, and out of sync. I haven't been tracking my work, have been allowing myself frequent looks at the Internet, and the early mornings-late nights at work have also taken their toll.

I was late to a meeting yesterday morning, and today just couldn't get up. I turned the alarm off in a haze, not realizing I had neglected to set my customary back-up alarms that have helped me a lot these past two months. I awakened after 8 AM, and didn't get in to work until almost 10 AM, like the bad old days. Ironically, I just received some unexpected praise yesterday from a company VP that I didn't think even knew I existed. NOW the wheels are going to come off?

Part of the problem is that I have had several difficult (for me) cases to analyze and report on, and have been trying hard to put them off. At the same time, I am stressed about the effect on my turn around time, which I have spent nearly two months working to improve. I was just commenting here yesterday that I need to improve my knowledge base so I don't always feel as though I am working at the limits of my competence, because I think that ties into my fears and anxieties and desire to procrastinate about making difficult calls. I also think that my anxiety about making mistakes contributes to my compulsive need to work very long hours.

Well, all I can do is all I can do. As tiresome as it is, I have to go back to tracking my work, especially if I am faltering on turn around.

Goal 1: Start over, in a sense, at 1 PM. (Like Journey's current quote, eh?)

- Restart time tracking

- Stay on the straight and narrow, 30 minute blocks at a time, so everything gets "touched" every day, even if I can't finish it immediately

Goal 2: Allow some time each day, maybe 30 minutes instead of my ambitious goal of an hour yesterday (which didn't happen, even though I worked until 10:30 PM). If that won't work, I'll try 15 minutes. For goodness' sake, it takes me that long to make a rest room and coffee run. Surely I can "find" 15 minutes to work on something that will improve my work life eventually?

Goal 3: Leave no later than 9 PM. I am serious this time. Sleep deprivation will do me in. I think I have exhausted my reserves. 

Back to report. 

Nice to you hope4meandu! Thanks for the welcome...

this morning -

write sample endorsements - DONE

write endorement letters - DONE

lunch break

this afternoon -

write blog post - DONE

mail certificates - DONE

pay bills - DONE

email client about bc - DONE

clear email - DONE YAY!!

OK, today is a busy day, and I haven't really gotten started yet.

I need to:
*Finish prep for presentation
*Give presentation
*Drop off key for friend
*Collect samples
*Pick up oligos
*Email FWC, PJ, AvO, CB
*Change food, plugs and setup

*Update MK notebook(mostly done)

OK, working on presentation prep now

First of all, thanks to everybody who reads and posts here. Although you are nameless, faceless and, in fact, may well be a collection of 'bots of some kind, you are nonetheless very important people to me. I think. Anyway, I appreciate your help and hope you are all doing well and overcoming procrastination. Today...

Prep

• Get up at 6 (6:27, equal to three snooze button swats)
• Make bed
• Exercise
  
• Healthy breakfast 
• Coffee, paper
• Check-ins
• Practice classical piece

Morning

• Update Quicken
• Music marketing - send mass email
• double-check 5k
• Research CCC negotiation
• Call 1 CCC
• Update steal w/FC
• Compile cruise FC
• Book YO room
• Q - BN, TE

Afternoon

• File 1 BN (EEOC?)
• Start franchise research
• Rewrite hireslow
• Do 2 CIO

Evening

• Easy run (?)
• P/u B at soccer practice (?)
• P/u R at 7:15 for dinner
• Fun w/R
• Bed by 10:30 (or thereabouts)

Tomorrow

• Rehearse for Sat show
• Reschedule 4/21 show
• Come up with set list
• Reschedule coach meetings to fit vacation
• Drop off cookies for S
• Buy new guitar strings
• Invoice BN
• Send DS blurb

made a schedule yesterday. wasn't too bad. felt constricting a few times, but not overwhelmingly so. And it helped to structure my day and make tradeoffs and get back on track.

so make one again today.

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the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748

"fall down seven times, get up eight" - japanese proverb

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank Rexroth for starting this trend.

Thing I have done today

Went to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting

Things I will do today

1. Take shower

2. Get dressed

3. Prayer and meditation morning and evening

4. Go to my appointment at 9:30 a.m.

5. Eat brunch

6. Test blood sugar twice

7. Go to see my supervisor at 1 p.m.

8. Go see my instructor and supervisor at 1:30 p.m.

9. Cut onions

10. Cook and eat dinner

11. Make bed

12. Wash dishes

13. Send out Al-Anon literature for today

14. Post Al-Anon literature for tomorrow

15. Go to the 8 p.m. face to face NA meeting

16. Post and send out what I read in a DA meeting

Thanks for letting me share

Done:
Dishes that were late
Make bed
Cook and eat healthy lunch (flat white beans, rice and spinach)