Sunday, 10 May 2009
We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.
(from the Al-Anon Promises)
I'm still looking for a job. It's getting scary. And I'm trying to pray, but that ist he hardest thing for me to be able to do. It's easier for me to take action than it is to pray, to be honest. Trying to keep myself off of sugar and do all the things i need to do is another major challeng, although my situation does not leave me with much of a choice. Basically if it isn't dinner, lunch or breakfast, I won't eat it...right now. And normally my breakfasts look like people's dinners, because I prefer to eat a full meal in the morning that's savory, not sweet. Anyways, HP, please find me a job, and help me to find one quickly. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
Things I'm grateful for: the delicious food I had to day. My sponsor calling me. The folks showing up to and getting to chair the PA meeting. All the things that I do have. The opportunities, I've had to learn something and to go to interviews thus far. The fact that I am able to stay here, and be given an exception by the housing. I really, really appreciate that. I appreciate my car. The fact that the Lassen group is going to meet with me on Monday to discuss what kind of job i"d like to have. The fact that there are DA meetings in the area that I can attend and will attend tomorrow. I appreciate that I have places to work out. I appreciate that i have a professor willing to work with me. That's all, Dude.
Things I want: a new job, or a source of income so that I can pay for my rent and my car payment, and food on a semi-regular basis, plus gas and car insurance. To be able to finish my work for school, complete my EDD Quality Control Questionnaire, to have EDD approve my appeal.
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
Soon you will harvest what you are planting today - Steve Pavlina
todo "list" not goals for the day. I have to prioritize and break them down
1. Clean up office
2. call RK about Rose DONE and call Arthur P DONE
3. call R Harris about camp
4. 4:00 pick up S and go to Teaneck (then to cem) DONE
prep for tomorrow - when? DID 1/2
tomorrow call Clifton 4:00 meeting tomorrow?
EMAIL Arthur P x'd and DONE
FIX RESUEM done
WRITE COVER LETTER almost DONE
SEND 2 resumes next DONE
tomorrow: call some temp agencies
find tax form done
exercise - when
Happy Mother's Day
to all the wonderful, beautiful...
Wonderful promise in the starter - joy, fulfillment and wonder!
My Word and prayer for the day: Isaiah 30:15
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…”
Help me be still and know that you are God and not rely on my own effort which fails.
My to do list:
Church, Call mom, email P, T, M / call R
Job2 – finish invoice, email / jobM – update invoice, final revisions, email
jobCC – photo email, type invoice (already wrote it out – big progress for me!)
Church 6pm, Print JobM, Thank you notes finish
email P, T, M / call R
jobM – update invoice, final revisions, email
Print JobM- working on it
Well I am 0 for 2 on church today - tried this morning, but not in time, so planned for tonight and client wanted last min revisions... thank God for another Sunday to try again!
Glad to share the flowers with everyone - hope all the moms are being good to themselves today!! :-)
Thanks for sharing the pretty flowers with all the moms on the board! :)
Have a great day! :)
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
Hi pro buddies,
I'm dealing with a couple of handicaps today. I'm run down due to a medical condition (I am so glad I'm scheduled for treatment in a few weeks!) and activity makes it worse. I don't want to get run down farther, so I need to balance any physical tasks with rest.
Then, I'm dealing with depression. It's physical rather than mental. . . my body knows it's run down, and wants me to curl up in a ball and not do anything, so it makes me feel down emotionally even though there's nothing really wrong.
So, I'm a bit shaky and tearful, and needing to pace myself physically.
So, let's see. . . I need to get my place looking at least somewhat presentable before my folks come by this evening. But, I'm not going to try to get the vacuuming and dusting done unless I really feel up to it. We'll have dessert at the restaurant rather than coming back here, so it's o.k. if it's not super-clean.
What I do need to get done today is:
Made it through the day, took it at a slow pace, and got most of the things done that I meant to!
Thanks for being here, everybody! Hope everyone's week gets off to a good start tomorrow!
Thanks, Recycler for kind message of group solidarity. I enjoy waking up to your tail wagging orange pup. :)
self-care: run/walk in park; stretches focusing on back (back has gone out again); spiritual reading
school: continue w/Pro (slowly w/accord at first; spot checks on problem areas; last pg; run through several times); Ba (slowly to check new bo; details & ryt; run through several times); run through Pro & Ba back to back several times; Mo, if time permits
household/errands: vacuum; laundry
Hi Pro Buddies!
Filling some garbage bags is my goal for this morning. Yesterday I made a lot of progress with things to go to Goodwill; today's goal is clearing out other clutter that can go to the dumpster.
A bike ride will be coming up in about an hour, so I will see what I can get done in the cleaning/discarding category before that.
Just sending out a Group Hug to anyone who needs it today, since not everyone wants a reply to their post or posts publically. The group is here for you, so keep on your journey, and keep coming back!
8:25am. I'm back from bike ride. I took one bag to the trash. I've started filling up another.
I've decided I'm not going out to other activities today. I will be in the condo. I will rest & pace myself. It's likely I will do some cleaning. I have a goal of doing 2 or more bags of trash, then getting them out to the dumpster by 10am, then cocoon the rest of the day. I hope to update my CI later.
Have a great day, everyone! :)
I needed a hug today! Hugs back at ya (and a virtual hug for the trotting corgi, too!)
Hugs back to Falcon, Sarito, & everyone! :) And like, byGodsGrace said, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms! :)
I've taken 2 more trash bags to the dumpster (total 3 bags for the day) + 1 empty box. I've made progress in moving things around, including moving some furniture around (on sliders). I see one or two areas where I could make some quick progress, so I will try to do those next.
I also finished washing/drying/putting away the clothes, and have packed the gym bags. I'll putter around some more. I'll see if I can come up with one more bag to take to the dumpster. I hope to update my CI again later.
2:35pm. Took one more bag & another item to the dumpster. I'm still moving furniture around & deciding on groupings.
Even though I am working on things, I still have a ways to go. Parts of the challenge are from moving, from procrastination, from quantity of items. I'll take a break, then see if I want to knock out some more.
5:20pm. Took another bag to the dumpster. I can see portions of the living room floor. Actually I can see more floor than stuff on it now, lol! I am still in motion! Let me see how far I can go!
6:45pm. Took yet another bag to the dumpster. OK, that's it for today, in terms of filling up bags! I have also arranged the living room furniture in a way that I like. I have a few more things to do tonight and this week, but basically I will be "ready enough" for company next Saturday.
I'm really feeling horribly suicidal right now on account of this addiction. I think that this addiction is prolly my core one, as I've written many times. I know that for a lot of people love addiction is the core addiction, or love and sex, etc., but even that addiction is ephemeral for me. I'm not looking to cause drama, so I"m not looking for feedback or crisis line phone numbers, which--- believe me-- I already know by memory. I'm just looking to share and to be honest, cuz I don't have too many places or people to whom I can share these things with. Because it all sounds like mania, that most prolly would never relate with in a million years.
I feel like I need a sponsor in this program or someone to be accountable to, as I definitely have trouble being accountable to myself regardless of the addiction. Tonight I realized, for instance that I had trouble being accoutable to my bottomlines. I did *all* but the bottomline, well I did utter the words "woh" in a chat, but that's hardly an issue. THe fact was that I logged into an online world and acted out online, even thought I didn't bottomline, I was doing all but the bottomline. Oh whatever. It just felt sooo horrible, and my sex addiction is not even the point. The point is that I have procrastinated for a very, very long time. This is a lifestyle for me. It's not something one changes in a day. It's something I have been doing, and it has its effects. I'm an escapist.
I really wish that this program were called Procrastinators and Late-comers Anonymous as I have a sincere problem with lateness, and I feel like that lateness coincides with the procrastination issue. But it also coincides with my other addictions. For instance, when I was stressed about an audition, I decided to act out in my other addiction, and then I was late to the audition, because I acted out. But regardless of whether I'm acting out in another addiction, I'm late. So that makes me think I have both a sexual addiction and a lateness problem, which is serious. It's 2:18am, and I'm not even going to beat myself up for that. I just needed somewhere to be able to share, without people expressing their opinions at all. I just need a place to be honest, because I've dealt with the reactions of other people for so long and they've only made me feel more ashamed, and disturbed. I mean- I spoke to a woman from one of my other programs, who told me that she felt that I should be cured of lateness simply because I did a fourth step and said a fifth step prayer. It soooo doesn't happen like that.
Addiction is a mental process as well as a spiritual ailment. I can want to be on time as much as I'd like, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I will be, unless I make certain physical changes, or can figure out how to tell time, which is a mental problem that I have. Frankly, I'm worried. I'm freaked out that I will always be this way, because on top of my own reasons for being late. Sometimes, I'm late for reasons that are somewhat out of my control, such as traffic condiditons, etc. I live in SoCal, and traffic conditions and extreme lack of parking (particularly in this area) are the key reasons for lateness...just on top of the fact that I already have a problem. This conundrum makes it difficult for me to gauge whether I'm being sober or not. It's a tough line to walk. It really, really is. And I'm always an addict.
Even if I come on time, do I count the times when I wanted to go somewhere or tinkered with the idea, but didn't even show up? Where does it end? Where does it ever end? So progress not perfection you say. But how much progress is required? What exactly am I required to do? Hence, sobriety is difficult to attain for me, because I cannot figure out where to draw the lines. How much of anything is too much? My whole life is about time binging. When I have more to do than I actually get done, I don't know if the crime is that I have too much to do or that I ... should be doing more... The real crime actually is that I did not do many things in the past and that I am therefore now in the position I'm in with too much to do , so to speak, b/c of my behavior in the past, which was not necessarily procrastinatory-- Maybe I just took on more than I can handle.
I don't know. I wish that I could live over again, but this time, I want to call the shots, and not my mother or someone else telling me what I should do, telling me what I"m good at, making me do things that I very well did not want to do. I realize a lot of the way that I have resisted or passively rebelled is through procrastination. I learned it as a coping mechanism to deal with my inner angst toward an authority figure who pushed me beyond my limits. And now, the mechanism is killing me. And she's still in my life, through emails, that I rarely read. But it's disturbing. Just talking to her was very upsetting. Anyways, I'm going to go write some prayers. Please, no replies. Thanks.
I feel like I am dying in the puddle of my own drivel, or hoisted by my own petoon. I have completely effed myself over. I have no idea why I want to live this way, or have decided to take no action, but frankly I don't think it was a conscious decision about how to live, as I stated before, I think it was a continuation of a repeated habit of resistance in dealing with someone who always pushed me. I remember I hated horsebackriding and dance, so long as my mother coached me and prodded me and forced me to rehearse manically. But as soon as I said I don't want you here, when I'm doing X, and I was allowed to do X by myself without the pressure, I was fine. And so I feel right now, like I don't want her involved in my applying for funding to the state, because it is really none of her business. My applying for school funding to the state, has nothing to do with her. And I really don't like it that she feels the need to insist her own opinions about when and how and what I should do.
I saw a deplorable picture of myself in SecondLife from many times ago. I wish I had deleted it. Sometimes, the next right action is very difficult to take.
Please, no replies. Thanks, folks.
Procrastinators Anonymous weekly 12-Step meeting in "meetings chatbox".
This meeting follows a 12-Step Meeting format.
Meeting is held:
(Meeting is Sunday 7:30 PM GMT -
STANDARD time year round.
Click on links in RED below -- to give exact time in your time zone)
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for today's meeting.
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for next week's meeting.
Sunday 3:30 PM, USA Eastern DAYLIGHT Time
Sunday 8:30 PM, British DAYLIGHT Time
Monday 5:30 AM, Sydney Australia STANDARD Time
It works when we "work it". Let's do whatever it takes to find recovery. All are welcome.
No obligation to attend. No need to "report in". No attendance taken.
Come when you feel called to come!
All are welcome!
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