Thursday 23 April 2009

Someone shared about backsliding- I guess I did today. I did not get to the bank or sears. I get papers together for bank and spent all day looking for the sears receipt, which I did not find. All I could think is What is wrong with me?

I did some of the things on the list but was very hard on myself. I am not "escaping" into an addicition so the feelings of self loathing are strong. Did not walk.Feel so fat.

Some good things: got letters done, got info on something I was at a standstill with and now can go forward, found something that I have been looking for since December, I thought I had lost it, Got to store, made dinner, took and brought son home from soccer, helped son study for test, dishes. prayed. I guess the day wasn;t as bad as I "felt" it was, I need t practise gratitude, 20 years ago, this day would have been full of gratitude. I need to do more service and get out of my head.

Thanks fr letting me share.

Kay, got home from school like 45 minutes ago and I got to get to work!!! Here are my things I want to do:

Finish All Homework Within 3 Hours

Write In Journal

Eat Dinner

I'll get those things done, and then maybe add more.

In recovery, perhaps first we make peace with ourselves, and not until later do we become our own friends. We have been at war with ourselves and in turmoil with our families, even while feeling like victims. This program lays out Twelve Steps we can follow to become friends with ourselves. In recovery we may still feel self-hate when we constantly monitor our every action, when we react to our mistakes by berating ourselves, and when we dwell on past offenses. Would we put a friend through that?

A true friend will accept you as you are. He doesn't put you down or call you derogatory names. He'll give you honest feedback and won't put on a false front. He'll support you when you're in trouble. Being our own friend means doing these things for ourselves. Perhaps we can even embrace and be kind to the part of ourselves that is addicted and codependent.

Today, I will be a friend to my whole self - even the parts of me I have rejected.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. 

There is a proper balance between not asking enough of oneself and asking or expecting too much.  - May Sarton

Still working on yesterdays list. Will cut and paste when I get to office. Got good news yesterday got extension that I needed. (through no fault of my own)

put together info (in progress)

call L about research

make list for action items for May projects

turn in cc

call bw re two things

research-any other angles I've missed?

Another long day, but a manageable one.

Scheduled: Class 11-12:30, BE seminar 4-5

MITs/MUTs:
1)Finish CSB lab (due at 5 today, but I'm pretty close). Here are the steps I need to take
1a)Make 2 figures showing network
1b)Make figure showing raw data/data processing
1c)Edit text for clarity/organization, fill in all references (started)
1d)If time, make figure showing synthetic data
2)Email MC, SM, deacons, RH
3)Grocery shopping (inc. shopping for church potluck)
4)Decorations for Apprec. Sun.
5)Notes from Harambee and from mtg w/ DP

Other tasks:
1)Raw data proc. for DG's project
2)Prep presentation for Apprec. Sun.
3)Budgeting
4)Tutoring prep

Breaks:
1)Lunch with classmates
2)Dinner with Gerrie

OK, right now I'll do steps a-c on the lab, then I'll head to class and have lunch with my classmates after. Heading to chatbox now.

I love the message above. So much truth and hope.

Every small step counts. That is a hard one. My tendency is to think if something was a small step, "WHY BOTHER"? That all or nothing thinking. I think my cat even understood this concept better than me.

I had to try to think differently and lower my expectations- a small step is better than no step, and eventually things get done with my HP's help.

 Yesterday I had 2 items I wanted to complete (bank and sears). I went into that crazy twilight zone and was going in circles (one more thing upstairs, forgot one paper, should do this ,etc. I was literally going in circles- I know I did not want to face either task, and the more I went in circles the more I procrastinated. I was even too ashamed to go to this site.

Then I got the idea- just go to the bank - (because I had it written here) and out of the house- and I did. By the time I got out of the house, it was after 1 pm. I paid my visa bill and got to the gym.

At the bank, I made an appt with the only person who "understands" . It's not that I don't have the money, but this is not our main account with my husband. This is mostly a household account and it is sooooooo messed up because of my record keeping and procrastination.  In the past, when things got so messed up, I would just close the account- and start fresh at another bank-I may have to do it again.

So, I need to find the papers- it is 7:30, I told her I would be there at 9:30. She is very nice but I feel so ashamed- not for the mistakes but the procrastination. The last time I went to see her, they said "This happened 3 months ago, why didn't you call us then?" I felt like I wanted to die. I don't know, I gave the usual "excuses", and here I go again...I feel so small and worthless.

I never got it together to go to sears, so I hope I do today, or it will be to late to return the items I bought and I will be stuck withg $100 of something I don't want/need.

Got home late and then had to help son cram for 3 tests (guess he takes after me).

ok, ok- I will get more done if I let go of the guilt and stay in the present moment. I really needed to see that. I will try,

So my list is:

1. basics, (meditations, etc)

2. bank stuff

3 sears stuff

4. check in later

Thanks it helps to check in.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you are all having a lovely spring morning.  Here, the sun is shining. 

Had to get up at 5am to deal with a delivery.  Slept very little last nite.  So, I went back to bed and feel much better and more ready to tackle the day.

I have a scary number of glasses and dishes to tend to from last nite's party...

To Do List:

morning coffee (done), read spiritual literature, write, wash dishes (done), 12 step meeting (done), practice 3 hours.

I'm going to try and be more specific w/practice.  Work on corrections from yesterday's coachings first.  Then, B, some Bl and read through a Sc. 

Will also try to bookend practice.  After every hour I will type in what I was able to do...

Also, I'm going to keep reciting the simplify, simplify, simplify mantra.   

Today, my head wants to go into many negative places: regret, resentment, guilt and loss. 

Instead, I will choose to reflect on gratitude, abundance, fellowship and support.

Cheers everyone,

Sarito