Sunday, April 12, 2009

Sometimes in order to inspire myself I do something I a little bit different in order to feel differently.  Sometime a change as simple as drinking Irish black tea instead of Earl Grey has been the change I needed to feel inspired.  Of course, going about thinking to oneself, "if I only.....had this or that, then I would" is not purposeful.  But sometimes a little change now and then is what I need.  So since I'm feeling slumpy.  The next time I have the opportunity to get something new, I'm going to try a different brand or a different kind of thing instead.  Just to jazz up my life a little and make it exciting. 

I know now since I drift into fantasy often that maybe I feel my life is not exciting enough or not pleasant enough.  These little changes and adjustments are something that help me to think differently.  Areas where I may want to diversify:

*different hand soap

*different body soap

*different toothpaste or a different kind of toothbrush sometimes inspires me to brush my teeth more often

*different laundry detergent

*running or jogging to the gym instead of walking there with everything

*taking the stairs

*a new jobbing site

*different lotion

*different toning lotion

*different floss

*different pens

*different meals, or trying out a different item on the menu at a local restaurant

*going to a different restaurant than usual

*talking to a different person from 12 step on the phone

*attending a new or different 12 step meeting

*dating someone totally different or seeking someone out, who is totally different

*seeing a different massage therapist

*seeing a different chiropractor

*reacting in a different way to how people act to me

*trying out a different sport than usual

*trying out a different hobby

*going to a new meetup on meetup.com

Before I hit the sack, must:

- Finish writing an initial brochure draft
- Wash up

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action - Walter Anderson

Most important thing: spend quality time with my extended family today.

2nd M i t: easter eggs, cooking, the whole domestic bit, contributing my part

3rd most important thing papers

4th grades

Hi pro buddies,

Happy Easter!  Spring is underway!  Where I am, it's chilly out but the sun is shining and plants are starting to bloom.

I'm feeling a little out-of-it.  For some reason, my sleep cycles have been off, and I'm either not sleeping at night or sleeping way longer in the morning than I mean to.  We'll see if it evens out once I'm back on a regular work schedule this week.

Today I need to:

• Make chocolate bunnies
• Exercise - DONE
• Finish taxes
• Get groceries

There are lots of other things that it would also be good to get done today, but I think I'll be more productive if I just focus on the few things that really need to be done.

I guess it makes sense to do the bunnies first.  Then if I run out of frosting for them, I can pick up more when I get the groceries.  Before I do that, I need to get dressed; lounging around in my pajamas is making me want to just head back to bed.

Falcon

Changed the order of things -- decided I'd better exercise first to perk myself up, and so I could shower & change for the day.  Going to go shower now.

I am going to sleep now.  List of things I don't like about my life:

1. *I don't brush my teeth before I sleep.
2. *I don't get enough sleep.I stay up wayyy too late.
3.  *I overdue things...even having fun.  Whatever I do, I tend to binge.   It's either three hours of karaoke, five hours of homework, six hours of talking to my significant other (when we were together) or seven hours of watching Murder She Wrote, three hours of working out(it's not enough just to swim or run or do yoga or walk, I have to do all of them), with no cessation from any of these.  I just need a LITTLE bit from these things.  Right now I need more of work, though, evidently.  But I'm willing to keep things realistic, since I know I'm running away from, dreading...and I don't need to overwhelm myself or freak myself out.  "Just do it" is a phrase for normal people.  "We'll give you less to do," is a phrase for ME.
4. *I watched between six and seven hours of Murder She Wrote in one night, which is nothing.
5. *My eyes are bothering me.  My skin still feels oddly burned, despite the use of moisturizing soap.  I can only presume that *I* am allergic to the light perfumes in the soap, since it keeps making my skin red and my eyes itchy.  Now, I finally get it.  I will have to invest in some hypoallergenic moisturizer soap.  Perhaps something natural.  I will have to experiment.  I cannot believe this.
6. *I need to get a job.
7.  * I feel like I am not attractive to those to whom I'm attracted.
8. I have yet to finish my course work for this last quarter.
9. I haven't taken a shower in two and a half days.
10. I don't get enough sleep. 
11. I am sick of being late most of the time.  I know I've made a concerted effort in this area, but I am fed up with bailing on myself. 
12. I'm tired of making plans, only not to follow through with them.  I'm tired of being such an agorophobic that I have to get everything ready to go, whenever I leave the house so that I have absolutely no excuse to go back.  I hate knowing that if I go back then I will never leave the house again.  I don't want to be this way.
13. I lack self-esteem, and that is the reason I don't follow through on projects.  I literally do not value myself, and my time as much as getting a hit or my depression, but beyond that--  I do not esteem myself highly enough to take action on my own behalf.  I am literally afraid of helping myself.  I have done something great on Friday on my own behalf, but I still lack esteem for myself.
14. I have trouble letting go.  MY problems with third step are the same problems I have with my writing.  Writing is the act of letting go, and that activity is VERY hard.  Accepting imperfection.  Accepting where I'm at.
15.  I feel incapable of self-acceptance.  People in program talk to me about acceptance, and I never, ever got it; I just found it annoying that they should trouble me that I'm not accepting so and so.  I never got it that *I* am the one that I don't accept.  The acceptance that I lack is for myself.
16. I feel socially isolated.  Sometimes I run away from people, even though I feel that the situation is involuntary.  Today I saw a professor.  I felt so ashamed I darted away.  Before I saw a person I felt affection for and I also darted away, because I didn't want the person to think that I were stalking them.

Later, I will address these topics and write down one thing for each item that I can do to turn it around.  One concrete, small thing, I can do in one day.
Tomorrow