Hi Pro Buddies & Sunshine! :)
Thanks for the bright threadstarter, Journey! :)
Today: bike ride, selected wall paint at store, bought provisions, bought paint & painting supplies for a sample project. Painted first coat on room divider. The goal is using the room divider in the future, but it's current purpose is a sample test of a faux finishing technique that I am thinking about using in my new condo during the next month. I want to make sure that: (1) the color is right, (2) the technique isn't too hard, and (3) that the texture of the paint is on the minimal side (drying flat rather than lumpy ;) I've painted the first coat today, and will try the faux finish coat either later today or tomorrow ;) Partly during the last few weekends I've been out of town or haven't felt well, but there has also been an element of procrastination too, so here's official Thanks to my Higher Power for helping me have enough emotional & physical energy to make this amount of progress! Yay! :) Thank you, HP! :)
Talk to you later, Pro Buddies! :)
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
Hi everyone. Going to rain here, and there are some outside things to do. Also some errands to do before some places close. Well, my client who's not been paying made a partial payment yesterday. I've been pissin' and moanin' about that for some time, and the amount was just enough to keep me from whining for a little while. You'll be the first to know if he lags behind. Seems like we procrastinators don't like it when someone procrastinates "at" us, huh?
(X)cover stuff I want to stay dry
(X)go to store
(X)pickup dry cleaning (after 3 weeks)
work project a
work project b
major sort and clean spree
Thanks, and be well folks.
the prospect of the whole day free has filled me with an exaggerated sense of freedom. I know from umpteen past experiences that this mindset leads me to be uber free with my choice of activities, and then it's 9pm and i've gotten "nothing" done.
so, today, i post to alert myself to what i have learned. And i feel happy about doing so, because i already re-gave myself to god this morning, so i have nothing to lose. At this moment, at least, i feel happy about just following HP's lead all day.
10 min later and the waste has started to happen. Despite my good intentions. i'll make a list of what i have to do today, and check back in.
1 min: i found an important MIT that has to be done today, so i'll do that.
um... it's now 3 hrs later and i have become distracted. Sigh. Well, going to try again, since that's my lot.
There. another 30 min and i COMPLETED my first MIT. Now to figure out the second.
i completed a task today that has been overdue for 3.5 months. I have been getting reminders about it from the organization and my church. It has been little stresser in the back of my mind all these months.
I'd like to say i'm relieved and satisfied, but i feel awful. Mabye 10% of me is happy that i finally got this done, having a sense of accomplishment. But the other 90%, the part that's capturing my attention, is feeling awful.
First of all, i STILL feel guilty for putting this off. I've been experiencing recovery in other parts of my life to varying degrees, but this is a left over p'cras behavior in full. The guilt and disgust i have for myself is, of course, part of the reason i p'cras in the first place. I had that feeling of myself when i started, and during the whole thing. consequently, it took 4hrs, when it could have taken just 1, because i had to cut thru that thick soup of unpleasantness.
Also, i lost track of a very valuable item that was necessary. I found it after an hour of looking. Again, disgusted w/ myself for having lost it, when i knew it was valuable. (actually i didnt lose it; it was where i had thot it was, but the first time i looked thru that pile, i didnt find it, so i looked elsewhere, and eventually looked in the first place again, and found it. But, having to look around my cluttered house thru all my piles did nothing (positiive, plenty negative) for my self image.
So the disgust i felt for myself is still hanging around me. so i dont feel that well at all.
Even tho i dont FEEL well, i KNOW that i did the right thing. I know i obeyed god. I did step 3 and/or step 11. It doesnt make me FEEL any better, i just know it's true.
And, btw, this is why i believe so much in step 1. i dont think clement, himself, could EVER have done what i did today. It's just too darn painful with no payoff. It's only because i have given up all things clement, and so have nothing to lose, that i can tolerate this miserable experience.
lol that sounds bad doesnt it? But, paradoxically, it's a good thing, because it enabled me to do what i knew was right, no matter the cost. Today i lived the "power greater than myself" restoring me to...perhaps not sanity...but at least minimal success at basic performance. And, for me, that's saying something.
Procrastination for me is something that I am trying to unlearn and repleace with more helpful behaviour. I have spent a lot of time in therapy unlearning other destuctive behaviurs and replacing them with better stategies and actions...
What brought me to therapy in the first place were the problems that I was having in parenting my children. I had read all the books and knew all the stategies but my kids were out of control and going down the gurgler fast. I had to learn how to draw boundaries around my self, model appropriatre behaviour myself, encourage any positvie behaviours in the boys through praise stop fighting with them to be what I wanted them to be. At first this seemed strange. The conflict was eliminated but somehow I did not feel that I was parenting them. It all felt artificial and the previous chaos and conflict seemed to be the real deal! There was a lack of congruence between the right action and the emotion..
Your post brought back that time,
You have completed a task. You know that you need to give yourself a pat on the back, The old emotions are stirring and you are giving your self a hard time.
I think that in my case it took practice and some self given rewards to emotionally accept what I intellectually knew what was the truth. Over time the effect of the changed practices helped to cement my new parenting skills.
I hope that I have made some sense. I find the idea of baby steps, microbursts and all the other tools that I find here useful, but it is difficult to acknowledge our achievements in over coming our disease.....It is much easier to feel inadequate and incompetent.....even when we have moved forward.
You could have gone on putting off that task. You could have left it so that it just never got done, or someone else had to take over and do it. You could have given up an hour into working on it, when things felt rough. You could have given up when you couldn't find the missing item. You could have refused to face the piles. You could have ignored or drowned out the inner voice that got you through it.
But you didn't. You stayed with the task, kept going through the painful feelings, hunted down the missing item, and kept listening to that better, stronger voice. You're right -- you did do the right thing, and kept on doing it even when it was hard.
Procrastination does have consequences, and there's nothing wrong with feeling the "clean pain" that goes with that -- some sadness or regret, sorrow at disappointing people you care about, the desire to be more true to your best self, etc.
But it sounds like you are adding on a lot of "dirty pain" -- the kind that comes from spending your energy kicking yourself and focusing on how bad a person you think you are.
From what you've said, your faith is tremendously helpful in helping you let go of ego to do what you need to do. I'm wondering if faith/prayer might also help you refocus away from yourself and your self-judgement. The extra pain isn't helping you (it just makes you want to procrastinate further) so if you can find a way to let go of it I hope you will.
You deserve a major pat on the back for everything you did today. Hang in there!
The past week or so, I've noticed myself sliding into old mental patterns of depression & emotional shutting down. I am SO not going there, dammit! Over the summer I had a taste of what I am really like when I am present, energetic and in a joyous state of mind, and there's no way I'm going back to being shut down.
Engaging in the activities of my life & not slipping into time-wasting activities will help me stay open. To do this morning:
Hope everyone's weekend is off to a good start!
Well, my event for this evening was cancelled due to expected torrential rainstorms. And it's not a good evening to go out and do anything due to aforementioned expected torrential rainstorms. So, I have some unexpected free time today.
I'm really (really) tempted to sit here surfing the net or do something equally unuseful, which would just slide me farther along the road to depression (and did I mention that I'm NOT GOING THERE, dammit?)
So, next up:
Lark: Thanks for the encouragement! I agree that depression is just kinda useless. It would be nice if our brains would come up with something a bit more adaptive!
Bleah, this rainy weather is a bummer. But I'm very fortunate that all I have to deal with is dampness and some water in the basement -- nothing like the evacuation and danger and damage that other folks are having to go through.
Things to do:
Well, that was dumb. . . I just spent a couple of hours surfing the net, and it's now midnight -- later than I meant to get to bed. And I have stuff to do tomorrow morning. Gotta catch myself earlier next time!
Let us know how thte rest of your day goes :) Hugs! :)
Talk to you later! :)
Thanks, recycler! How did your paint turn out?
Thanks for the note :)
Late in the afternoon I did another application of paint. The base coat + 1 layer of faux finish looks ok. It is kind of a suede/honey butter/natural chamois color/look. Since what I'm painting is a sample board, in the morning I will do a 2nd layer of the faux finish and see how that looks. Fortunately the technique has turned out to be [comparatively] easy. Other than having to do the actual work/painting ;)
Have a great night! :)
Yep, you've summed it up pretty well. Sometimes life seems like you've just been given a spoon for unloading a truck, so it gets put off. Sometimes a spoon is the right tool for that job, and everything turns out okay. I still get areas of depression, and I can't for the life of me what's gained from that. Just because I feel bad that doesn't mean someone, somewhere is feeling better. Yet, it still creeps in. Just making an effort to overcome it seems to be the key. Laughing at it helps, too, but make sure nobody's around when you do. Hmm... When I don't meet all the things I post on this site it's not the end of the world. The little hugs, nudges, and other feedback I get helps me deal with it. A few times the folks here have convinced me not to plan some things, and that really took a load off. Take care, and keep coming back.
Day starter done, setting timer for 10-min break, then bathing the giant stinky dog.
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
oops 10 min break turned into an hour. Better get moving. NOW I'm going to bathe the giant stinky dog. Daisy! Here, Daisy!
10:50 Dog bathed, bathroom clean. 10 min break, then clean up and head out. I'll make my grocery list at starbuck's, if I stay here any longer I'll end up goofing off and not getting to the grocery store until after lunch!
This time I will not ignore the timer when it goes off. 10 min. starts now.
Congrats on getting the dog bathed :)
What a job! :)
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