Today I feel I’ve reached rock bottom in PA. It’s so clear to me what my procrastination has cost and is costing me. Today I had a letter regarding a legal case. It is possible I have left it to late to take action. I do not know if I have as it is a legal matter but I can find out. I do not know if I would have won settled or lost the case but that does not matter either. What I do know is that I have had almost six years to take action and have delayed for whatever reason and I really can’t say why. I can afford to lose the case but that is not the point either.
It is procrastination. I am responsible. I am powerless over my procrastination.
Today I have felt miserable, depressed, guilty and very fed up. I have taken care not to eat or drink too much but I’m still, in the evening, in yesterday’s clothes which I flung on to catch the postman when he delivered the letters this morning.
Strangely or perhaps motivated by guilt or desperation I’ve done some constructive things today. I finished my accounts but this I do almost without effort after many years in DA. I’ve replied to a letter from my landlord which I received yesterday and could have put off for another month or so. I’ve emailed a friend who I am not in harmony with. I’ve checked the accounts of my mother’s estate, it is not fair, and forgiven her and decided not to argue with my brother over the money. I’ve sent emails confirming this. It is all over.
I did not see a psychologist for years and yet I believed that I would benefit and also that it might be painful. When I did three months ago I found that if I faced some things my fear changed to anger then to resentment and then to boredom. I was left with simple procrastination. I started doing things again.
I learned a lot while working with the psychologist. He was not dealing with the origins of my behaviour but with the present reality. This helped me greatly as I often explain and attempt to excuse my behaviour by reference to past events. This is know as ‘a thousand reasons and not one excuse.’
This legal case is a messup from the past. I’m glad I’m dealing with it even if I don’t get the result I want. At least I will have done my best and acted in a way to support my recovery. I need the courage to accept that there are things in my past that when I try to resolve them will cause me pain and this I need to accept as part of the price of recovery.
My aim is to live one day at a time, to deal with day to day things as they arise when they arise and to work to resolve my messups from the past. I know that some are not resolvable and this truth I need to accept.
So that is my sharing for today. Thanks for being here.
Yours in recovery Rexroth